Exclusivity vs. Dating Around

[ExtraChrisB]

Okay, so on this site I have noticed two different opinions regarding dating. I know DancinDoc and EEK are both for dating around, but on the other hand I know a lot of people consider exclusivity to be a better idea. So I wanted to create a thread for both sides of the table to toss around pros and cons of the other.

I honestly do understand both sides of the argument, but perhaps the rest of you can present some facet that the rest of us haven't thought of yet.

Why is dating around the way to go at a young age? Or why stay exclusive?

Tell me what you all think.

[CrackBaby]

dating around is better if you are not particularly sure about who you are yet (you're too young and inexperienced and need to see, feel, and do new things so that you know what you really want). biggest negative with this is that you will never feel loved and will likely become cynical as you feel that other people are all pretty much the same (just wanting sex from a woman's point of view, just wanting someone to pay for stuff from a man's).

exclusivity is better if you know who you are and want to feel the support and love of really knowing someone and them knowing you. biggest negative about this is you can get bored, or you can invest a lot in someone and misjudge whether they feel the same way about you.

[ExtraChrisB]

Absolutely. It makes sense to me, but I was hoping Doc or EEK could give their 2 cents.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You set limits upon yourself unnecessarily when you go exclusive too quickly.
If during the course of dating many, you end up only dating the one - that's fine because then it is based upon experience and true compatibility and not just because ' you should'. Infatuated persons like to 'stick' right away which is not good. You cannot base a relationship upon infatuation. By waiting for that phase to pass before entering into an exclusive relationship, your chances of success are improved.

Relax and don't stick with the first person who asks.

[dancingdoc2]

Boys and girls are not "all grown up" having just gone thru puberty. The process begins before this and lasts a good decade! Puberty prepares the body for procreation; however, there is much more that must happen to complete a person's maturity.

One aspect of maturing is socialization.

* Preteens generally do not have an interest in the other sex.
* During early adolescence members of the same gender tend to flock together--girls with girls, boys with boys.
* Later on the friendship circles merge as girls and boys begin to do things in coed groups.
* As a person matures further, s/he continues the friendship group yet begins to seek out members of the opposite sex to date and pair up.
* The purpose of dating is to learn what humanity has to offer us in the way of personalities, characters, morals, religious values, likes, dislikes, quirks, desires, goals, etc.

The more individuals we date the better able we will be to recognize when Mr./Ms. Right comes along. Also, as we grow older, our personal tastes and desires change, therefore, the criteria we establish for a proposed significant other changes several times. If we only date one person we limit our options.

When we or the person we date wants to move on the relationship breaks up, usually painfully because we guys have all our emotional "eggs in one basket". Although painful for girls, also, it is less so because girls have more baskets with fewer eggs in each--in other words, more ways of handling the stress and drama and trauma. As young teens, we have few coping skills to handle the stress of this. In addition, we have yet to acquire and develop interpersonal skills necessary to interact with the other sex and this is where fighting enters its nastiness. Learning to negotiate differences, using "give and take" so each person feels their wishes and desires are being considered and met are skills that come along with much practice (with several people) and over time. An important strategy and life lesson is to "give in order to receive". Think about this and tell me what you think this means. All too often, relationships are all about "me" and what I want with little consideration for the partner.

Kids begin maturing at different ages, yet at fourteen you are probably not yet at the coed group level. Whether you are or are not, my point being you have not yet acquired all the emotional and social skills required to handle an exclusive relationship. Teens should date lots of people and sometimes more than one at a time. Keep these relationships open. Exclusivity comes years later and when you are ready to settle down. When we date non-exclusively, we eliminate the sense of "ownership". When a relationship ends, there will be far less drama and trauma to handle for which young people are less able to handle.

When we date more than one person at a time--
* there are more chances to date, and, more choices for where to go and what to do.
* By dating more than one person at a time, our circle of friends increases.
* By dating others, we expose ourselves to a variety of personalities as noted above.
* By dating openly and not exclusively, we are freer to move on when our interests and priorities change with maturity.

What people do not realize is that a couple can have the "togetherness" and the bonding and the sense of belonging without the entanglements. Therein lies one of the important purposes for dating and not just stopping with the first person who expresses an interest.

Date lots of people, learn about each, continue to mature, and as you do your skills, objectivity, and, insight will be much keener than if you do not. You will also have more opportunities for fun and building your circle of friends. You can do all the things you would do in an exclusive relationship, and, because both people want to be together, it flourishes, also. You just do not have the "ownership" that should not be a factor at any age or stage; thus no big problems to try and overcome when a relationship does end.

Teens should not have to deal with emotional problems they are not well equipped to handle. Furthermore, the need to be needed can still be satisfied whether dating one person or several openly. Remember, each relationship exists because both people want it to, so why burden yourselves needlessly by wanting to have a girl- boy-friend in which commitment is understood, not expected or demanded?

[ExtraChrisB]

Both really good points. Thanks EEK and Doc. But what if we already know what we're sort of looking for? I'm a 21 year old guy, and I've had a few "serious" relationships. I never really dated around, but I always had a lot of female friends. Most of my friends were, as a matter of fact. I've always been pretty self aware, and generally pretty conscious of what it is I like and don't like. I'm pretty stubborn as far as my moral principles go, etc. I feel that if some people my age (maybe even slightly younger) already know what it is they want from a relationship and are prepared to handle the emotional stress that can come from it, they may find an exclusive relationship to be more fulfilling. At least I did. That's just my side of it though.

Also, another point, if I may. My parents say the same thing about dating around. They insist it's the best thing to do, but in my generation (or at least with the people I've always enjoying being with), there seems to be an unspoken consensus about dating around. All the people I've spoken to about this seem to feel that it's immoral to do so, even if the other party knows about it. I gotta say, I'm inclined to agree with them. For some reason, and I don't really know why, it just doesn't seem right to date more than one person at a time.

One reason for this, I think, is a difference in definitions. My parents refer to "dating" as just going out to dinner with other female friends. People my age refer to "dating", as my parents would say, "going steady". I think that may be part of where the confusion lies, perhaps.

But, if both of your definitions are closer to the "going steady" version of dating, then I'm pretty certain I disagree with doing that with several women at one time. It just seems to me that I get more out of exclusive, close relationships. On the other hand, I've never dated around, so I can't really knock it, but at the same time, I still have dinners etc. with my female friends.

[EvilEvilKitten]

How to say this nicely? Can't be done. Okay.

GROW UP.

Stop clinging to your high-school playbook and get on with being an independent adult male. Now is your time for wild oats, sport-dating, and playing the field. Do not mess it up. You do not want women to be your friends, you want them to be your lovers. You're not going to get that if you continue acting like a puppy. Believing in a 'soulmate' is to guarantee failure and will seal your status as a beta-male.

In this context, dating around is not only 'moral' it is mandatory.

Your parents may be telling you more than you're actually hearing. I suggest you start listening to their hidden message and get your butt out there before all of the best women are married to other men. Do you really think the other men are having this same problem? Nope! They're just telling you that they are to keep you out of their way.

[odis85]

aparently kitten doesn't believe in true love... im not sure why (she doesn't or that i do) but i always will... i guess something about the idea that theres a crap ton of women who live in this area who are my are theres not a single one i couldn't fall in love with and stay that way for the rest of my life just doesn't sit right with me. granted i've had more bad luck dealing with this than good luck but i'd rather strive for whats greater and fail than settle for average.

[dancingdoc2]

So what are you going to do, sit in your living room window and watch who walks by in hopes that Ms. Perfect will someday? How will you know unless you begin sitting on the front porch where you can call out to her and try and engage in a bit of conversation?

You seem to want perfection and we are here to tell you that it is rare. People fall in love, hook line and sinker based upon what they see and hear and then spend the rest of their lives together making things near perfect.

If you want to find Ms. Right, best take our recommendation to actively seek your ideal mate and do it by dating lots of women and exposing yourself to as many as possible; otherwise, I'm afraid you are doomed to grow old in that rocking chair watching the seasons change, yet not interacting with anyone on the street.

Are you a perfectionist? Whether yes or no, there is nothing wrong with setting high standards, although, they should be realistic.

[odis85]

no im not and i am bedridden with mono lol so sitting here by the window will have to do for now... and no i can't actively go out looking for her because that kind of thing never works for me... i have to do what i like and ill meet her that way. hell i may never meet her or she may not exist like kitten says but one part of me is too smart to settle for less and the rest is too stubborn to change. then again i might just be stupid and stubborn but we will have to see what the future brings to truly find out!