Exclusivity vs. Dating Around

[FadedLove]

I was too lazy to read over everything everyone said, but here are my two cents: I like things to happen organically, so I don't spend time thinking about whether or not I'm going to be exclusive with a person. It is the way it is. If I should fall in love and, even if temporarily, become disinterested in seeing other people- Then that's the way it is. And if all we have is friendship and I continue to be interested in other guys in my life, then that's the way it is. I go by feel more than anything else. I think not being completely shut down to the idea of "dating around" IS beneficial. From the people that I know, it seems you put a lot of constraint on yourself when you have huge expectations out of everyone you go out for coffee with, and you insist on being only in exclusive relationships. I could list the pitfalls, but I don't want to drag on and on. But I will say that to me it seems boring and predictable to plan out your life in the guise of deciding you want to marry and then looking for someone to do that with. I'd rather just enjoy things for what they are in the moment, and enjoy life's surprises.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Valid and yet:
there's smelling the flowers and then there's eating the lotus.

[FadedLove]

lol. I don't know what that means, but OK.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Go look up and read The Lotus Eaters, then you'll understand it.

[FadedLove]

I searched the site using the Search up at the top and it just brought me right back here So I googled it, and first I found something about these Native peoples who ate the lotus flower and it made them sleep in "peaceful apathy". And then I found this other site with this cool Jim Dolan poem. Um, going with the Jim Dolan, does it mean taking things in more? Being more mindful? I'll try to see if I can't find anything else....

[EvilEvilKitten]

No, forget Dolan, it means "blissful apathy" and living an unexamed life without goals or direction.

[ExtraChrisB]

Honestly, my feeling these days is more akin to FadedLove's. Previous to meeting my current girlfriend, I dated around. I, by chance, met my girlfriend. And by no previous planning, simply began dating her exclusively. That's the way we both wanted it, because we wanted to take the step and make things more committed.

In short, I dated around for a while, but stumbled upon something that feels really special so far. And I certainly don't regret it

Btw, it's good to be back.

[shinji]

I never dated around before. I've only had two relationships.

First girlfriend, she asked me out, and I said yes. Went 11 months before I realized she was cheating on me.

Second girlfriend, asked me out after responding to an ad on craigslist I put up. We hung out for a week before she asked for a date. We lasted 4 months until she left me.

For the first time I am dating around, and it feels a little good, and bad. I miss a good, solid, exclusive relationship. I miss having someone to love and to love me. I'm not sure what I want anymore, or what is better.

Exclusive, or dating around, I don't know which.

[EvilEvilKitten]

If you had read the original post, you would have known that gradually becoming exclusive - not because someone demanded it - over time is GOOD.
What's BAD is when exclusivity is demanded right from the start before you two have had time to get to know each other.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by shinji

I never dated around before. I've only had two relationships.

Two is good; more can be better.

First girlfriend, she asked me out, and I said yes. Went 11 months before I realized she was cheating on me.

Truth be told, and I know what you mean, however, you can not cheat on someone nor they on you--unless there is a contract.

Dating should be about going out with one or more people at a time, having fun, learning about each other, learning what you like and dislike in others, so that when Mr./Ms. Right does come along you will be better able to recognize the person.

Second girlfriend, asked me out after responding to an ad on craigslist I put up. We hung out for a week before she asked for a date. We lasted 4 months until she left me.

The process of dating is transitory. Some dates will be one time events, others will last somewhat longer, others still will be long term; and eventually one will be a keeper.

For the first time I am dating around, and it feels a little good, and bad. I miss a good, solid, exclusive relationship. I miss having someone to love and to love me. I'm not sure what I want anymore, or what is better.

We do not need a solid, exclusive relationship, Sinji. What we need is to learn about others, and, to be available to others in order to someplace sometime to do something together. If you date one person, you can have exclusivity simply by the way you interact with each other--not by making a declaration and expecting both of you to hold to the agreement.

If you date two people at the same time, you are almost assured of a "yes" from one of them when you call and invite her out.

My point being, behave in the way you want your relationship to be, don't make it a "contract" of sorts by expecting exclusivity from each other. Behave like you are exclusive when the time is right.

Exclusive, or dating around, I don't know which.

Asked and answered. You can have the best of both.