Exclusivity vs. Dating Around

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by Brennen

I see the idea behind dating around and how it could work for some people but I myself could never do that being as I'm an extremely protective person when it comes to my girl.

"Protective" how? There is a fine line between watching out for the well being of our partner, and, controlling his/her every move or activity.

A relationship is a partnership in which two autonomous adults join together to make a life greater than their individual parts. People join together because they want to; therefore, there is no need for control and loss of freedom.

Those who date around are basically seeing what they want out of a woman while simultaneously fulfilling their sexual desire.

Not necessarily so. Dating is suppose to be a way for people to meet and learn about each other in a closer setting than is possible from casual friendship or circles of friends. Dating is designed to bring us into contact with others in order to learn about their characters, personalities, likes, dislikes, whims, moral values, etc. in non-exclusive non binding friendships. By sidestepping the "ownership" or exclusivity you do not have to deal with all the drama and trauma that often accompanies these relationships when things go wrong or the relationship ends.

I do not agree with you that it is all about sex. What it is about is learning what humanity has to offer us in potential partners/mates. It is also about learning what we like and value in others as a way to help us determine when Mr./Ms. Right comes along.

One of my most guilty moments is when I truly wanted someone else other than one of my x's. Mainly, at younger ages our urges are just too fluctuate to settle down with a single person. Under sexual desire dating around is a better idea. But psychologically it is better to be exclusive to at least lower feelings of jealousy or selfishness, I sure as hell couldn't stand the idea of another man touching my girl, at any age for that matter.

Like everything else this should be analyzed on a case by case basis, there is not one absolute for everyone.

This is precisely the point: There should not be any "ownership" of a relationship that is comprised of a partnership. A man does not own or control a woman, and vice versa. You do things together. So, while you may guide the direction your daily lives take, it is done with her cooperation.

You should not get to this level of belonging until you are ready to settle down and marry. Dating openly as used to be the case a couple can do all the things and have all of the things yet be free to date others if desired all in the hope of finding the ideal partner. When you restrict yourself to an exclusive relationship you limit your opportunities and your horizons and your experiences. Exclusivity should come later, not sooner.

As an example, let's say you date three women at the same time. You may be intimate with one, two, or all three. It just depends. Dating is not about getting laid and your rocks off. Dating is a venue for learning and this is what people nowadays fail to comprehend.

[EvilEvilKitten]

"But psychologically it is better to be exclusive to at least lower feelings of jealousy or selfishness, I sure as hell couldn't stand the idea of another man touching my girl, at any age for that matter."

Remember that song?

"You don't own me; I'm not one of your little toys.
You don't own me; don't say I can't go with other boys.
And don't tell me what do; don't tell me what to say.
And if I go out with you, don't put me on display."

She is NOT your psychological criutch. She is NOT responsible for you or your moods, emotions any more than she is responsible for your actions.

And this, all of the above, is precisely why dating around is BEST - for everyone.

[lotsatiarma]

Kind of bringing this topic from the grave but.. I can really relate to this kind of dilemma. First off, I entirely agree with the idea of dating around to learn about other people and yourself. I also strongly agree with healthy relationships being more like two people cooperating together to better each others' lives without compromising their own.

I am however, still on the wall about the morality of sleeping around while boyfriend/girlfriend status has already been established with someone.

I may have misunderstood what you all meant by "dating around", but wouldn't too many people get hurt by this? How would you guys still date around without hurting too many people? Especially those who try to only have exclusive relationships? It would be a shame to not get to know those people too ;(

[dancingdoc2]

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> Kind of bringing this topic from the grave but..

The thread is alive and well, actually. It is one of many articles listed in the Index.

> I can really relate to this kind of dilemma. First off, I entirely agree with the idea of dating around to learn about other people and yourself. I also strongly agree with healthy relationships being more like two people cooperating together to better each others' lives without compromising their own.

You get it!

> I am however, still on the wall about the morality of sleeping around while boyfriend/girlfriend status has already been established with someone.

The difference is that "exclusivity" has not been established and this is exactly the point. By not dating one person exclusively, couples eliminate the angst, drama, and, trauma, associated with these arrangements. This is particularly important for teens, both for what you reiterated, above, and, because they do not yet have the emotional storehouse and the skills to manage differences in points of view, wants, and opinions. Breaking up is much harder for people who have been exclusive.

> I may have misunderstood what you all meant by "dating around", but wouldn't too many people get hurt by this?

As explained, this is exactly why it is important to date many people and sometimes more than one at a time in open relationships. People have more opportunities to go on dates, and, the people can enjoy all the perks without all the disadvantages. "Exclusivity" if desired, can be implied without need of a verbal contract if it desired, later.

Hurt? No. This is how dating has been done for decades. It is why exclusivity is not recommended. Oh, sure, we might be disappointed that dating a particular individual did not last longer; however, this is to be expected and is part of the process and has far less emotional impact.

> How would you guys still date around without hurting too many people? Especially those who try to only have exclusive relationships? It would be a shame to not get to know those people too ;(

Let's flip this around and ask how you girls would date around without hurting too many guys? The key to understanding this is to get over the thought that "I need to belong". Read, again, what I said about perks.

You do get to know these people if the desire is there. As we age and mature, we change. Who we might be in love with at 15 is not the person we would choose at 18, or, 20, or 22, etc., and vice versa. If we date only one person for an extended period, we severely limit our options of determining whether s/he is going to be the right person for us overall and long term. This new trend of exclusivity in my guesstimation is one reason why there are so many separations and divorces. Mr./Ms. Right was never given an opportunity to enter a person's life. Another is that couple never learn coping, social, and negotiating skills.

[EvilEvilKitten]

They get hurt because by being exclusive you're implying marriage and eternal devotion. In effect, you're LYING. All that time and attention - it goes to your head and you get heavily involved and think its too complicated so you cannot just walk away and let it go because it has been so long and it is all good except for this one thing and really it was 'ment to be' and and and yadda yadda yadda.

Do you see?

That is precisely why you date around - so you don't end up trapped by your own weaknesses or theirs.

BTW get rid of your Galahad Complex, buddy. Certain women will use that against you.

[KittenLover]

Ok so I'm not sure if I've been "dating around" but I do have many guy friends. and no they're not just circle of friend's type friends I spend quality time with them just us two doing what ever it is that we like to do.

I have had two serious relationships, one ended horrabaly, probably bc he was leading me on instead of telling me hey this is how it is up front like i told him to do many of times if for what ever reason he wanted it to end... and the last one we were growing apart and wanted diffrent things so it wasn't to hard at all...

So I'm not sure if what I've been doing with my guy friends would be concidered dating around.

Also on a side note this thread really helped me out in that I now understand what's going on in this "relationship" that I'm in with this guy right now. No it is not a boyfriend girlfriend kind of relationship. We are friends who worry about all the desies out there so we only have sex with eachother, for the time being any way... It's easier, because we both can go and spend time with who ever of the opposiet sex and not feel that sex is the issue so we can get to know who ever for them not as a sex object. It works for us for now, may not in the future, may not for someone else.

So all in all I guess my point is:

1. Is what I'm doing with my guy friends (and yes that includes some random guy that I chat up in the line at Wal*Mart, that's just an example btw) concidered dating around?

2. The reason I do get into a more steady/serious/exclusive relationship is because I felt a big something for and with that guy. If it didn't work it didn't work, back to square one. But I never and probably will never loose touch with my guy friends, We always have spent time together, and probably always will, just and only because they each have something that attracts me even if it's not romantic in any way. Me and my most recent ex are a great example of that.

3. Thanks for putting into light what I once was confused about. I am talking about my current relationship with the guy I am having sex with.

4. If I got anything wrong or mixed up I would love for you to clarify

[EvilEvilKitten]

CONDOMS used correctly each and every time you enjoy sex will protect from diseases.

Some might consider you to be 'dating around' but I wouldn't since you are being sexually exclusive.