Exclusivity vs. Dating Around

[EvilEvilKitten]

True love? OF course it exists but, once again, you have to go and find it - it does not - EVER - come to you. True love also does not hit you like lightning. It sneaks up on you from behind and when you finally see it - you realise it was always there, quietly waiting for you to catch up. True love is also found where you don't expect to find it, where you never dreamed you'd find it.
That's why it is from dating around that it comes.

'Settling for average' is what happens when you just do the one-at-a-time thing. You have spent so much time and invested so much effort in this one person that you are reluctant to let him/her go - so you end up marrying i.e. "settling". You find time and life passing you by, so you end up "settling" for what you think you can get from the person you happen to be dating at the time. This 'one-at-a-time" thing simply is not WISE.

odis - Please stop thinking that I do not know what I'm talking about. I am not just speaking from my own personal experience. I have seen it in others and have seen their relationships both good and bad. Inter-gender relationships is a fascinating study which I have been following, most comprehensively, for about 40 years now.

[AussieBloke]

Im far from exclusive.. but I also dont "date around". Im single.. i avoid relationships, and pretty much just have a couple of 'regulars' -- fuckbuddies. But, we dont date. And, if something else comes up, ill go for it if I want to -- I owe the girl nothing. And they know this from the start (but.. i think they think im joking when it comes up..)

Anyway, the reason is because I get really bored, really quicky. So, this way.. if things are starting to go stale, its fine if we take a breather from each other for a few weeks at a time. We dont have to constantly live in each others pockets. Or even to just say "look love, time to move on" and their is no emotional investment from me.. so, it suits me.

[odis85]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

odis - Please stop thinking that I do not know what I'm talking about. I am not just speaking from my own personal experience. I have seen it in others and have seen their relationships both good and bad. Inter-gender relationships is a fascinating study which I have been following, most comprehensively, for about 40 years now.

i am sorry i didn't mean to imply that and i did missread your post. but i have never thought you didn't know what you were talking about, i just have differences of opinion with you, no more than that.

[ExtraChrisB]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Do not mess it up. You do not want women to be your friends, you want them to be your lovers. You're not going to get that if you continue acting like a puppy. Believing in a 'soulmate' is to guarantee failure and will seal your status as a beta-male.

I don't really care what my status is, really. I don't even really care if I have women friends instead of women lovers. Just because I have women friends (whom I do "date", as in going out to dinner, but that's it) doesn't mean that I automatically won't find someone to be exclusive with. I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying that I disagree with that sentiment.

I do believe in a "soulmate", but not in a "high schoolish" sort of way. I believe there is somebody for everybody, but I certainly do not latch on to any random girl who walks by. If I'm in a relationship that doesn't seem to be working, I get out of it. Plain and simple. It's not like I have a goal for exclusivity, but that's what helps me find what I want/need in relationships. Random dating, etc. doesn't do anything for me, and I don't think that's childish.

[EvilEvilKitten]

We all want to be meaningful in someone else's life but that does not mean automatic exclusivity. If you're looking for one-in-a-million - your use a net, not a single hook on a fishing pole. I understand you think you have your whole life to find her. You don't - not really, because women's time frame for finding him is much shorter than a man's. She has a limited number of child-bearing years, you see. So she's hunting for him - now, during her 20's and maybe into her early 30's but not much longer than that. Generally speaking, of course. And for all you know - that 'random girl' you passed by may just have been the one for you. You will never know because you did not ask.

[ExtraChrisB]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

We all want to be meaningful in someone else's life but that does not mean automatic exclusivity. If you're looking for one-in-a-million - your use a net, not a single hook on a fishing pole. I understand you think you have your whole life to find her. You don't - not really, because women's time frame for finding him is much shorter than a man's. She has a limited number of child-bearing years, you see. So she's hunting for him - now, during her 20's and maybe into her early 30's but not much longer than that. Generally speaking, of course. And for all you know - that 'random girl' you passed by may just have been the one for you. You will never know because you did not ask.

What you say makes a lot of sense, EEK. I'm just more inclined to work on my current relationships than throw caution to the wind like that, you know? On one hand, isn't learning how to deal with problems in relationships a good practice for marriage? I'm certainly not saying that people, especially my age, should settle in relationships that just over-all suck, but does that rationale make sense too?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Not really - you learn how to deal with that specific person and problems. That person is unique and the problems may also be unique to that relationship. With diversity comes an increased level of knowledge and more opportunities to learn. By being exclusive you also cannot directly compare and contrast - seeing similarities and differences - in real time. You can also ask "why" more effectively - as in "why would a girl do this" to another girl and not seem threatening since it is not something she herself did.

Let us turn our attention now to issues known as "entitlement/ownership". If you are exclusive from the start - it is much more likely that you will come up against 'dates' who feel that you have to account for every minute of your time to her, be at her beck and call 24/7/365, and so on. You are also much more likely to confuse her jealousy with devotion when jealousy is only a need to control and to own - a cover for poor self-esteem. But in the heady days of infatuation - you, by being exclusive - are more likely to feed into this sort of situation than if you had NOT been exclusive from the outset.

[Sekcboi85]

I am a little confused by this topic to be honest. When I think of exclusive, I picture going on dates with several different people. After a while, you will probably feel a strong connection with some and end up having sex. Then eventually, you will find the one that you connect the most with and you establish a typical boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with them and you stop dating/sleeping with other people.

When you say dating around, do you mean that you just date and have sex with more than 1 person at a time even if one of those people would be considered to be your girlfriend/boyfriend? By this logic, you are free to have sex with anyone you choose until you are engaged and your girlfriend/boyfriend should be doing the same.

I just want some clarification here.

[EvilEvilKitten]

"When you say dating around, do you mean that you just date and have sex with more than 1 person at a time even if one of those people would be considered to be your girlfriend/boyfriend? By this logic, you are free to have sex with anyone you choose until you are engaged and your girlfriend/boyfriend should be doing the same."

YES!!!

You do not have 'to have deep feelings' for someone to enjoy sex with them. Sex is NOT love and love is NOT sex - do not be confused on that point. Liking him/her is enough. Sex = play while love = deep emotional bond.

You go exclusive when afianced and/or married, if that is what you BOTH desire. Not before then.

[Brennen]

I see the idea behind dating around and how it could work for some people but I myself could never do that being as I'm an extremely protective person when it comes to my girl.

Those who date around are basically seeing what they want out of a woman while simultaneously fulfilling their sexual desire. One of my most guilty moments is when I truly wanted someone else other than one of my x's. Mainly, at younger ages our urges are just too fluctuate to settle down with a single person. Under sexual desire dating around is a better idea. But psychologically it is better to be exclusive to at least lower feelings of jealousy or selfishness, I sure as hell couldn't stand the idea of another man touching my girl, at any age for that matter.

Like everything else this should be analyzed on a case by case basis, there is not one absolute for everyone.