making the first move

[stlou87]

So over this past New Year's a few of my good friends and I got together at my friend Annie's apartment. There was quite a few of us plus some other people I didn't really know- invites from Annie's roommates. Annie, myself, and our four or five mutual friends all went to high school together. Annie and I had known each other for awhile and I always had a small crush on her but nothing ever came of it. This is mostly because we hadn't really spent time together one-on-one, it was mostly through social events or other people. There was also the fact that she always seemed to be with another guy.

Regardless, throughout the night we started flirting and verbally teasing each other sexually...it actually surprised me a lot and turned me on. So, things happened, and we ended up having some fantastic sex. We didn't go to sleep until five or six in the morning.

I didn't want to push anything, so I didn't pursue the issue of "what happens next" too much. I asked her in the morning after we woke up about it but she didn't really give me a straight answer.

I havn't talked to her since, I've been giving it a few days. I texted her last night to see if she wanted to get together to but she was working late.

I guess my problem is I'm not sure whats to come of this. I know I'm not interested in a serious relationship as of yet because I'm leaving the country for an extended period of time (four plus months). I've kind of done (meaning only a couple of times) the one night stand thing before but never felt like I wanted to pursue it until with this girl, Annie. I would just like to get to know her better, see how she is. I am of course not opposed to casual sex down the road. What's the recommendation to dealing with something like this? As good as the sex was, I almost wish we had held off until I got to know her better.

[AussieBloke]

By the sounds of it, Annie doesn't see much of a future for you two. In fact, Annie sounds like she doesn't even want to do the casual thing.

So, I would say.. don't chase her. In fact, forget about her. Dont msg or call or IM or whatever. Just move on. Definitely do not continue to msg or call, thats about the worst thing you can do in the situation where she is feeling like she is.

[sera300]

One- Did you both have fun? If yes, remember it and think of her.

Two-You waited so long why to call her why?

Three-Stay in contact with her as a friend as you did prior.

Four-Never chase.

Fifth-Don't make too much of this.

[stlou87]

Sera, you hit the nail on the head. The one thing I don't want to do is chase. I know we both had a good time, and I've waited to call her because I don't know where that "line" is. I don't want to seem too quick or needy.

I don't think I'm making too much of this...just trying to get through that first step of possibly connecting with her.

[dancingdoc2]

Whatever happens, or not, first, please begin using the telephone to talk to her one on one. Texting and E-mail are so impersonal. Neither of you hear vocal inflections and while these can be classified as communication, they certainly are not "talking".

Texting and E-mail are fine for brief messages, not for an ongoing dialog for establishing a relationship or wondering about the results of a date.

When you do pick up the telephone and call, tell her about what will be happening in your immediate future and that you would at least like to establish a friendship that might be continued upon your return. Once she understands your circumstances, she can then decide whether or not to proceed, now, later, or not at all.

[sera300]

I am w/doc...the last thing I would want is a text message and a prolonged period of chatting [regardless of the future and where I am going]. If a friend I would EXPECT A PHONE CALL; that day!

It's not needy, it's showing compassion/caring/understanding for a person you care about. it's being polite to a friend.

Repeated calls which are not wanted? Shows neediness. And how do you know which? She will discourage further frequent calls or she will curtail them.

Honestly, if I were her, I would say he has no real interest as a friend or a lover.

[EvilEvilKitten]

I can see you have not had your basic sexual etiquette course yet.

ALWAYS CALL AFTERWARDS - the following morning or immediately thereafter. During this phone call you say what a wonderful time you had and how much you enjoyed being with her and you mention one special thing about the interlude or about her that you especially liked. Do NOT say 'thank you'.

You then go on to chat about what's coming up in her life and in yours. If there is time, you ask her out on a date. If there isn't, you ask if you may call her again and keep in touch because you like her and enjoy her company.

Do whatever she says she wants you to do.

[arutha]

Yeah you really should have called her the day after... The whole leaving a few days gap so you don't seem to needy is fine in lots of cases, but when you have sex for the first time with a new person you need to call the next day. And don't text to set up dates. Just give her a call when you feel like it, make sure you have something specific in mind. You don't want to be sitting there wondering what to do and when after she has said yes. But have a couple of options in case she has other plans. If she flat out says no, assume she isn't interested. If she is interested but busy, she will say that and probably try to make a counter offer at another time. Or she will say yes.

[EvilEvilKitten]

This isn't rocket science, people.

[CrackBaby]

forget all that dude, this calling business etiquette etc doesn't apply in this case.

it was a new years thing, probably she was drunk and made a decision she wouldn't have otherwise. only thing not calling affected was maybe confirming in her mind that you considered it a mistake too.