Making Out--Knowing How Far To Go

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by fa5135

Hey ladies I have a question Id like to ask.

Usually when Im making out with a girl I advance the situation by trying to pleasure her with my fingers (fingering). This involves me unbuttoning her pants and slipping my fingers in to do their magic.

Sometimes when I make my move, the girl resists and doesnt want me to finger her. I was wondering what exactly to do in a situation like this (with a girl that I plan to hook up with again).

It is important for a guy to know three things;
first, that women set the limits or boundaries for how far to go;
second, that she can extend her previous boundary at anytime;
third, guys should manage the relationship by "Implied Consent".
This means that we presume to have her consent. This keeps us
from asking questions like: "can I....", "do you....", "should I...."
If she does not then she will inform you verbally, or non-verbally.

To answer your question, above, by attempting to finger her, you reached a boundary. BACK OFF, and continue making out up to this point.** Now, having said that, how are you to know when she decided to extend the boundary sometime in the future? Simple, by trying ever so briefly to go past the previous boundary. If she does not stop you, then continue as if having consent implied until reaching her new limit. And, so it goes.

INTERCOURSE / ORGASMS/ and the gentle art of Making Out, FIRST
(Scroll down the thread to Chapter Three.)

Should I try to convince her to let me? I feel like this can make me feel too needy (def not something that girls like) but I also feel like it can work.

No. Just work within her boundary and when she is more comfortable with you, the relationship, herself, she will likely extend the boundary to include something more intimate. Just hang in there and periodically test the boundary--but not every time or this will make her mad, as well as you seeming to be both needy and demanding.

Or should I just wait till next time?

How about two or three times after next time.

Will a girl think im playing it cool by giving up as soon as she resists or will she think im being a wussy?

She will think more highly of you and respect you, both of which will help build her confidence in you.

Please note: When I say "try to convince her" I mean by doing it in a light and non forceful (even humorous) manner. I am not a neanderthal.

Your concern shows this. Just play it cool and if there is to be more intimacy, it will come in due course and within a time frame that is comfortable for her.

I just want to know what's an effective strategy to use to progress from making out to more serious sexual contact.

Read up on IC and use it for all aspects of your relationship. In additon to the link, above, please do an Advanced Search of the forums using my name and the term "Implied Consent" for discussions on how this method operates. It can be implemented for all aspects of a relationship, not just the romance department. Please do not misunderstand. Of course you should ask questions when it comes to choices or preferences that are important to her and the two of you. You need information in order to guide a relationship and to decide what activities to pursue, etc. Once you have her input on a particular matter, then IC is used primarily as described.

I also recommend reading some of the dating articles listed in the Index.

** As discussed in one or more of the how-to articles on making out, the best method is to kiss and caress in a progressive manner. Doing so instills comfort and builds her confidence in you and what you are doing. Furthermore, a progressive all inclusive approach builds each person's level of arousal, excitement, expectation, and, sexual tension.

Using your description of events, if you attempted to finger her before working up to this level of intimacy by first grazing over the area with your fingers on the outside of her clothing, then slipping inside the waistband, then unfastening her pants and tentatively grazing over the outside of her panties beginning near a perimeter and ever so slowly advancing closer to her Pubic Mound and upper Vulva, then you are not building her comfort level systematically. Make your moves slowly as well as in small progressive increments.

This method is also important when it comes time for breast play and transitioning from "Petting" to "Heavy Petting" in which the breasts are incrementally and progressively exposed, fondled, and, stimulated.

For Men and Women Only- Breasts and Play

When you stated that you "slip your fingers in to do their magic", did you mean inside her pants, shorts, or skirt; or, inside her under ware? If the latter, then back up, slip your hand out from the inside to caressing this area on the outside of her panties and consider this her present boundary.

When I said to "back off", you need only back up a little bit. Give her time to become accustomed to this level of intimacy and to become comfortable with what you are doing and the feelings and sensations she is experiencing.

KISSING & CARESSING--a young person's guide to EXPLORATION

[Brandye]

No means No. Any questions?

You do not know whether she is having her period, does not want to be pummeled or what.

There is little less comfortable than having a clitoris battered whilst wearing jeans.

[Brandye]

No means No. Any questions?

You do not know whether she is having her period, does not want to be pummeled or what.

There is little less comfortable than having a clitoris battered whilst wearing jeans.

[EvilEvilKitten]

A wise man waits for her because he knows that when a woman wants him, she will let him know - in no uncertain terms.
She touches you first. She unzips/unbuttons something first. She does whatever first.
Wait for her to send you a clear signal. Then you can cut loose.

Until then - keep your hands to yourself and your conversation off sex.
Hardly any woman likes a "pushy" man.

[EvilEvilKitten]

A wise man waits for her because he knows that when a woman wants him, she will let him know - in no uncertain terms.
She touches you first. She unzips/unbuttons something first. She does whatever first.
Wait for her to send you a clear signal. Then you can cut loose.

Until then - keep your hands to yourself and your conversation off sex.
Hardly any woman likes a "pushy" man.

[ghost lover]

I have dated and been dumped by girls who didn't like how slow I was taking things. Now I'm not saying jump first chance you get, but I feel that there is nothing wrong with trying to progress things a little from time to time. And yes NO definatly means NO!

[Rouge]

Perhaps he's focusing too much on the objective, and not the journey. Making out is a time to learn all about her non-sexual hotspots -- Those which turn her on without a hand down the pants, or whatnot.

Focusing solely on moving forward is the error. Progress is good, but only when it isn't put above other things, like her level of comfort, eg.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You STOP when your partner says STOP.

[raunchy gal]

Yes "NO MEANS NO NOT YES YOU CAN"I had this with my husband TOO MANY TIMES during our rocky marriage.If he got frisky and i said NO because i was tired,not in the mood or had my period he would imply that i meant YES and keep persisting (particularly by consistently putting his hands down my pants or up my bra)the more i resisted the worse it got till i'd eventually give in to make him leave me alone.I know i was probably making him think i was being a cock teaser,but really i hated what he was doing and felt like his sex toy not his wife.It was always just an "act" to me not an "act of love".He even raped me a couple of times resulting in a pregnancy.I tried to tell him how i felt many times,but he either didn't care or just didn't want to listen (another reason why i don't reside with him anymore)

[EvilEvilKitten]

OR you didn't just get up and walk away, or you didn't take a cast iron frying pan upside his head; or you didn't go and just dominate him "Down on your knees, boy, and lick my ankles while I consider whether you are worthy of my caresses!"

But mainly - the man was a self-centered lout.

Me? Either I'd yawn in his face and mutter "I could have had a V-8" and then get up and walk away saying "I've got to get some excitement in my life."

You could have begun humming the British national anthem of course and when he asks say you're "lying back and thinking of England". Tripped him while he was taking off his pants? Buy some CBT stuff and say "Hello, honey! I've got a present for you! Close your eyes."