"i just got out of a relationship"

[bigbuck]

So here's my scenario...
A girl I've been friends with for awhile finally broke up with her longtime bf like 6 months ago. I've always kind of liked her, but was just more supportive of her (probably putting myself in the "friend" ladder). She has been long joking with her friends since then about looking for a rebound, and sometimes I would get the feeling that she liked another one of my friends. Anyway, we were out drinking the other night and holding hands, and when we got back to a friend's house I kissed her (we were alone). At that point, she dropped the line "I just got out of a relationship, I'm still getting over another guy..."

I'm wondering if she was saying she's 100% not interested and was watching out for my feelings, or if she could actually want to pursue things with me and was actually being honest (which I know is crazy!). how should i proceed?

gracias

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. Please begin by reading the Posting Guidelines and the Index found at the top of the main screen. In addition to the Forums, please look around the site's Home Page.

> I'm wondering if she was saying she's 100% not interested and was watching out for my feelings, or if she could actually want to pursue things with me and was actually being honest (which I know is crazy!). how should i proceed?

Your friend is telling you that she is just out of one relationship and not emotionally ready to become seriously involved with someone new--just yet. If you like her why not be her friend. Friends can do things together and keep the friendship just that--light. In the meantime while she is getting over the previous involvement you can be building the foundation for what could be a really great relationship. You need this as the basis for a relationship anyway. As the months progress and as she becomes open to being more involved with you, and, if you feel this friendship can lead to a deeper relationship, then make the transition.

Here is a copy of a reply made yesterday regarding a similar concern:

Rebound relationships rarely work out and rarely are completely satisfying. It takes a good year to get over the past one and what happens more often than not with rebounds is that the the person on the rebound still thinks about the past and does not give his/her all to the new person and the new "connection".

Because rebounds are usually not successful, not only does the new person end up feeling let down because of what could have been didn't happen, the rebound person is left with a feeling of emptiness. It is better to not date at all than to give a new person only part of your attention. If you want to date during this year of recuperation and regrouping, do so, only keep it light and give yourself time to heal.

[NizeGie]

You have -- correctly, I think -- recognized that that line is a fairly standard "nice" way of delivering a message that would more honestly be phrased, "I'm not interested in you."

Here, however, you apparently know that she really did just break up with a boyfriend of some standing. So ... I suppose the likelihood that she meant "I'm just not interested" maybe drops from 98% to something lower.

In any event, the real practical (as opposed to emotional) issue is, as you say, "how should I proceed?" I don't think the answer actually changes all that much. The only difference is there's a little higher likelihood that if you wait around for a while, she might become interested in you. But that's a long way from a lock, and you don't know how long you'll have to wait, and there are all sorts of situations, feelings, haircuts and facts that might not have much to do with you that could change in the meantime.

So, if you ask me anyway, I think you should go on with your life as if she's not in the picture, except maybe make a little more effort than you otherwise would've to keep in touch with her.

[AussieBloke]

Let it go mate. If she was interested, she would have gone for it.

So be happy you've still got her for a mate, but just know that at the moment she doesn't really seem to interested in anything else.

It might be a little awkward the first few times you are alone and all that, but you'll both be get over it pretty quick and if you are both mature will get back to normal without too many dramas.

[bigbuck]

That's about what I figured. So it goes. Plenty of other fish out there.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Move on and don't look back. This is the sort of excessively romantic/being nice nonsense a person should avoid like the plague. She's not feeling attracted to you and cannot say "just no chemistry".