Advice needed

[stlou87]

Hi, so heres the story:

I broke up with my ex a little while ago, but have recently have started thinking about her a lot lately and called her up. She was having similar feelings and while I have not seen her in about a month and a half we decided that we would meet later this week to see each other and discuss "us."

We were very much in love before the break up, and still are to a certain extent. We had been dating for about a year and a half before we broke up.

My problem is this: we are both relatively young. I'm 21, just ending college, and she graduated last year. We have talked somewhat about marriage but nothing serious. Bottom line is I can see myself with this girl for a long time. Regardless, we are both at that time in our lives where we aren't "settled." We both live in the northeast but I'm thinking grad school, most likely out west and she has had potential job offers from everywhere from Hawaii to Boston to D.C. However, none of these jobs have come through for her.

I would like to be with her but I'm really scared about the distance. We've always been able to drive to see each other and if we're cross country from each other I don't know if I could do it, knowing that I would only be seeing her very seldom - two or three times a year I'm guessing. Being a college student, I'm financially drained.

You could say I'm having commitment issues with the future. (Sort of, we aren't really together at the moment, just in the motions of possibly getting back together)

Have any of you done the long distance thing? Any advice or similar situations? Thanks for your help.

[dancingdoc2]

Stay in touch if it suits the two of you.

Your education is top on your to-do list and comes before relationships. Date if you want but do not settle into an exclusive relationship.

Get settled. According to your post, you would like to be with her, are discussing the possibility, yet, are not sure. My suggestion is to be sure before making any serious plans. If you are going to grad school across the country, this will take up just about all of your time, particularly if you have a job. I'd get this out of the way, get a job, get some money in the bank, and then begin working at dating.

[Brandye]

At this point in your life you each need flexibility, not settledness. Doc has a good idea. Stay in touch and let it pass normally as other interests develop for either or both.

[dancingdoc2]

> I broke up with my ex a little while ago, but have recently have started thinking about her a lot lately and called her up. She was having similar feelings and while I have not seen her in about a month and a half we decided that we would meet later this week to see each other and discuss "us."

Why did you break up?

> We were very much in love before the break up, and still are to a certain extent. We had been dating for about a year and a half before we broke up.

Did you attempt to negotiate and find a solution that the two of you could embrace and fix the problem as if you were married and divorce was not an option?

Here is a scenario that I'm just tossing out there for you and others reading over your shoulder to mull over not knowing any more than what you have presented. It seems to me from all the stories I've read from people saying that they have broken up that the reason(s) in a great many of the cases stems from a couple not having the tools to diagnose and repair matters. They "fight" without problem solving. Fights are bad; arguments are OK. Relationships are partnerships and not always about getting what you want. They are more about giving the other person the most of what they want without giving up the core of what you want.

If you want to discuss "us", you need to problem solve, understand what came between you and then negotiate a plan for moving forward that both of you can be happy about.

When you do marry someone, her or another woman, you are going to run into many challenges and differences of opinions and personal preferences for this that or the other that are important to one or the other. You can't run home to Mommy and you can't move out, so what are you going to do?

If you broke up without trying to find a fix for what ailed the relationship then you failed the test. That you want to work on repairs now is a good sign; however, before you do, you must go about it correctly and for the right reason(s) or nothing will change. So, between now and when you meet do what medical doctors do at the end of the day: Hold an M & M (Morbidity and Mortality) meeting where they attempt to figure out what went wrong, why a patient died unnecessarily and what could have been done differently in hindsight. Go to your meeting with her armed with some positives and some hindsight.

If you do not get back together and later find yourself in a relationship with another woman, you will want to do this anyway lest history repeat itself.

> she has had potential job offers from everywhere from Hawaii to Boston to D.C. However, none of these jobs have come through for her.

I would like to be with her but I'm really scared about the distance.

Please do not place the cart before the horse. First things first. Work on finding a level of functioning that the two of you can manage.

> We've always been able to drive to see each other and if we're cross country from each other I don't know if I could do it, knowing that I would only be seeing her very seldom - two or three times a year I'm guessing. Being a college student, I'm financially drained.

Look back on the last four years or the past eight. If you are like most of us, looking back at a span of time seems much shorter than looking ahead. Knowing this, spending a year or two or more earning your Masters may seem a long time yet when you have the degree, looking back it won't seem so long. Use this visualization to approach how you package and manage a relationship for the next few years. Both of you have too much on your plates for anything serious, yet this does not mean you cannot and should not be good friends, or if it works out--best friends.

Worry about where to move or where to live once you have to find employment. This is when negotiating comes in handy.

> Have any of you done the long distance thing? Any advice or similar situations?

Oh, I'm quite confident in saying a whole bunch of people have. I broke my mother's apron strings by moving half-way across the country to go to school. I kept in touch with a high school girlfriend and eventually the letters became more serious. We eventually married and I found employment with my uncle (Sam!) and was away from my bride for three years! Go figure.

[EvilEvilKitten]

No I have not done the long-distance thing because I require a lot of..ahem...'personal attention' from my lover(s). Out of sight often means out of mind when it is me.

Because long-distance = extra work.

Relationships take time, effort, and superb communication skills. Do you possess any of those? No, neither of you do. She has to become employed and settled in a home and a life. And you have mroe schooling in front of you then employment and finding a home and a life. Both of you are going to be very busy for the next couple of years.

My guess is that keeping in touch is about the best you two will be able to do for some time.