New to dating...and stuff

[MIGHTY BOOSH]

I've always been really shy but i'm getting more and more confident, there's a girl i kinda like, i think i've seen her looking at me but i'm not sure whether she likes me or not, and I'm not too sure whether i should go out with her or not
The last time i tried to ask a girl out it was a total disaster, i just don't know how to do it, what do i say, what do i do

I'm a total Novice here I just don't know how its done, does anyone have any advice

[sera300]

Do you look at her & smile? What happens?


If you can strike up a conversation & get her to chat...ask her out. Or get her number and phone her. Don't base on date "nightmare" on all others. We all have had "the date from hell".

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating.

> I've always been really shy but i'm getting more and more confident

You are doing great. Here is my tip of the day: Act and so shall ye become. The more little successes you have, the more solid your confidence will become and the better your self esteem.

> there's a girl i kinda like, i think i've seen her looking at me but i'm not sure whether she likes me or not

#1. Pay closer attention next time you see her. Take note of her gaze and if she looks at you, does she have a smile or is her look more of disdain or is it just a passing glance with no emotion behind the eye contact. The chances are very much in your favor because if she has looked at you once, twice, ...and not this next time, either something about you is an oddity or she is interested. My bet is on the latter.

#2. You won't know if she likes you unless someone she has talked to tells you so, OR, you strike up a casual conversation with her and she does not try to brush you off or end it prematurely.

Have you seen or looked through the Index yet? Its link is at the top of the main screen. It lists many informative articles on a variety of topics. One or more mentions that relationships work on the principle of "Implied Consent". This means that the woman gives her consent to do this or that without specifically voicing it. The man proceeds until she says or otherwise indicates that he has gone far enough. She is also free to extend the boundary at any time. This is how it works with making love, it is how it works with relationships in general, it is how it works when wanting to begin a relationship. Presume she wants it and test.

> The last time i tried to ask a girl out it was a total disaster, i just don't know how to do it, what do i say, what do i do

Dating is all about asking many different women out and then narrowing the field over time as Mr./Ms. Right enters the picture. So you experienced some difficulty in asking a person out. "Try, try, again"; or, "practice, practice, practice". In addition, do not take a "no" personally. This does not mean you have been rejected. There is a difference. If you ask three girls out and one or more of them says "no", thank each one very much. The point is, you date as many women as you can knowing not all will be interested for whatever reason. Whether you ask two or ten, it only takes one "yes".

As to what to say, practice various statements several times. I agree that you should begin with a conversation and while talking to her just tell her that you would like to ask her out, and then ask her directly. If she replies with a "yes", thank her and inform her that you will call on .... (later in the week) to confirm and make sure there are no changes. Tell her you really look forward to doing .... with her.

It helps if you can find out something about her, directly or from friends who know her. If you can learn what her interests are, then make that the activity to do on a date. If you haven't a clue, ask if she would be interested in doing A, B, or, C, this Saturday (or whatever day). If she replies in the affirmative, ask if 7:00 is good or would 7:30 (fill in the appropriate time and give her an option of one or the other as she could be busy during the first one.)

You can always ask her what she would like to do on a date, although, I'd use this as a last resort the first time or two. After you have gone on a few dates, of course ask what sorts of activities she would like to do with you. The chances are very good that you won't have to ask. Women are chatty creatures and if you are an astute listener, she should feed you all sorts of ideas and information over time. As for foods and restaurants, ask what restaurants she enjoys and what types of foods appeal to her. The same goes for fast food, although, save fast food restaurants for later, being in a hurry and up against the clock--or if your budget does not include spending up to $30 depending upon whether your meal will be lunch or dinner.

Lastly, when asking her on a date, inform her that you would really like to go on a date (do not say you would like to date her because this implies more than one and you do not know yet whether either of you would want a second or a third.) Another way of stating this is to tell her you are interested in doing thus and such with her on a certain date, and then ask for the date straight away. Look at her, not at your feet, over her head, or off to the side. SMILE! Look enthusiastic.

If your first time or two at asking a girl out seems awkward, make a mental note, practice later, and do better the next time. Ask confidently even if you are shaking in your boots. You will do better as you do this more and more which you should. Dating does not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Begin meeting people ask others to network on your behalf, and ask, ask, ask. Use the first contact more as just having fun with a new friend, and determining whether or not to ask for a second date--nothing more. If it doesn't work out, well, you saw a good movie, had a nice meal and were not home alone. Now, go from there.

[MIGHTY BOOSH]

Thanks guys

But I'm still worried because me and this girl are the two quitest in the class, so it's me the quitest trying to talk to the second most quite so conversation might not flow that well.
Also we're in a class room situation and i don't think i've seen her alone once

[sera300]

Have you ever thought of asking her for help with a class? Where you could meet after school or at a spot to work on a specific subject? Open talking on the class topic and add...what does she like, dislike to do? Hobbies, friends, etc.

[dancingdoc2]

Those are two excellent suggestions, Sera!

Time your entrance and/or exit into or out of the classroom in order to have a brief chat with her, even if it is only to say "hi" and/or to state that you would like to talk to her later--like after class or during lunch or after school.

Whether you actually need help with a subject or not does not matter, use it as a reason to contact her so you can talk to her. Find a question to ask or an opinion. She may be a very quiet person yet if you ask an open ended question and listen, most women will provide volumes of information if they feel comfortable in your company. Use the information they provide to interject questions and before you know it, you have a conversation--and information about her that you can call upon, later. Incorporate one or more of the questions Sera mentioned, and comment on her replies. You can very briefly tell her what you enjoy, either as a hobby, or a sport, or of general interest. This gives both of you the stuff for further comment and conversation.

As an aside, let me ask why you are so quiet? Do you know the subject matter or answers to questions asked in class? If not, why? If yes, why not raise your hand and answer? Are you afraid of public speaking? Do you have a speech or hearing impediment that might be embarrassing? If you are nervous about talking in public then let me tell you about one of the two most valuable classes I had and the most valuable lesson learned in high school. This was a public speaking class and the lesson learned was how not to be nervous when speaking before a crowd--even if the audience was one or two people. Instead of looking at the entire room, pick out one person in the audience and look at him/her and talk directly to that person for a few seconds and then move on to another person and another person in turn. From their vantage point they cannot tell from a distance that you are looking directly at them, it appears to them that you are looking only in their general direction. The benefit for you is that you effectively only focus on and therefore see one person, not a room full. This technique really will prevent nervousness and uncertainty.

Another technique is to simply stand up, admit to the audience that you are nervous and then begin speaking as above. Admitting that you are nervous squelches it right then and there.

What about asking her to meet in the library?
What about asking her if she can go with you or meet you at a cafe or restaurant for a coke or ice cream either today after school or tomorrow (in case she has previous plans)?

Questions?

[MIGHTY BOOSH]

I don't know why i'm quite, guess its cause when i was younger my lil sis did all the talking and got all the attention.
I didn't put my hand up in highschool, now that I'm in college and taking a performing arts i'm getting more confident but its not a hand up sort of thing.

My concern is that all the methods you suggested is going to make it obvious that i'm trying to ask her out, is that a good thing.
I doubt it will appear natural, espeacially from the quite guy she doesn't really hang out with, won't she think somethings up.

Also I'm starting to get worried that we might break up (ok i'm getting ahead of myself) and that might make things awkward, and in my class we may still have to work together, we may even have to play the part of a couple or something for acting

[dancingdoc2]

If this girl is interested in you at all, she is expecting an invitation and wondering when if ever it will be extended. If for all your fumbling it looks to her like she is going to be asked on a date, my guess is all the better!

Breaking up is the other end of beginning to date. You may very well ask several women out on dates over the next few years and all but one will end somehow. Breakups should be a cordial as possible. They are often difficult, sad, disappointing, and sometimes even traumatic. Your objective when a breakup is going to happen is to help make it as easy on both of you as possible. This is not always possible, yet do what you can. If you are particularly hurt or mad over the reason and cannot do this, at least break the relationship off as positively as possible.

Do not worry about breaking up. The idea of dating as I said before is to date lots of people and learn what unique and special qualities and quirks each has. Some you'll date more than once, most will come and go. You only need to find "the one" from among the many. Dating should not begin and end with just one person. Your job is to learn as much about each person over time, enjoy their company, and find out who is a good match for you. It might take months or years. Just enjoy each "ride".

[sera300]

Mighty...

Yes, it works & she is probably wondering WHY you have not asked her out & is beginning to assume you are NOT interested.

What I suggested is neutral & you can see her interest levels.

[EvilEvilKitten]

OMG - will you PLEASE go up to her and say "Hello, my name is Lameduck" and offer her your hand to shake??? and it is Q-u-i-e-t-e-s-t; you're welcome.

Something you'd do easily any day of the week if it were a guy - introduce yourself to her. Come on, she won't bite. I promise.

Then you ask her something intelligent about the class such as "what do you think of our professor?" or "how are you coming along with the assignment?"

then all you have to do is to listen, remember what she said, and talk about what she just said to you - the one follows the other.

This is NOT rocket science here.