how to not seem needy

[lustygal]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

What to say is "Goodbye". If he doesn't take a "we are just friends" for his answer then you need to get rid of him.

Sounds simple enough Thanks.

[KMB]

I am a needy person and I'm a little too needy. I want to work on it.

[dancingdoc2]

Well, K, you are providing us or at least me with a challenging weekend. Good. I was hoping it would not be slow. Let's continue...now that your other thread has been replied to.

Again, I want to ask questions in order to learn where your heart and mind are.

* What do you need?
* How do you believe you are needy?
* What do you want from others?
* What do you want out of life?
* What is missing?
* Do you need someone to make you whole or complete?

Have you read any of my replies to others in which I tell the person that good and successful relationships are comprised of two people who are autonomous adults and who can live quite well on their own yet choose to join with a partner in order to have a life greater tha the sum of its two parts? It's true. Far fewer relationships work long term in which one person drains the partner of emotional support, or confidence in order to allow them to function.

If this is you, then what do you seek? Confidence? Trust? Emotional support? Ego boosting? Other?

Much of what you may lack for any of these can be acquired with some practice. Set short small term goals in which success is almost assured. As you successfully complete a goal or task, place the results in your "atta boy/girl" file. Next, repeat with something else, and so on and on. As you make progress, add to the level of difficulty.

That will help with confidence. Self esteem is often a result of acquiring confidence.
If you have too many failures and have not worked to turn them around as described, then I recommend making these changes a bit at a time over time.

When you date, find a partner who can and will be supportive and provide moral support. Do not waste time with someone who is not. Please keep in mind that a successful relationship (friendships or loveships) work as partnerships, and, in what we an do with and for someone. Relationships fail when one or both selfishly take resources from the other.

Please answer the questions so that those wishing to reply will have a more complete understanding of your "need". I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[KMB]

I need love, trust, respect

Well I feel like I'm needy because I say I need someone to tell me they love me

All I want is like I said before Love

I need someone to make me whole

yeah I read some of your articles

And my boyfriend is very supportive he's almost always there for me.

sorry i didn't explain myself right before

My mom thinks I'm needy as well and It worries me.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by KMB

I need love, trust, respect

Well I feel like I'm needy because I say I need someone to tell me they love me

Need or desire? Nearly everyone wants love or to be loved, however, needing this shows a lack of something within the person. Self esteem??

All I want is like I said before Love

OK, you have a boyfriend. You have friends. You should be receiving love and admiration from these people.

I need someone to make me whole

This is immature thinking. Go back to the days of old--really really old. Do you know that during the expansion of the West, there were more men in Nevada and California than women? Most women going west ended up as prostitutes, bar maids, or seamstresses and laundresses. Men outnumbered women hundreds and in some large cities thousands to one! "Complete", used to living and surviving on their own, each person was pretty much "whole". Of course each probably desired companionship and support yet it would be a long time in coming before the genders balanced out.

Making yourself whole, is something each of us must accomplish on our own. In time you should be able to accomplish this with age and maturity and having accomplishments under your belt. What of the man who has friends, is in his thirties, yet has never married? What of a woman? What about those who have have and are now divorced?

Being complete goes back to what I stated earlier. Relationships work best when two complete individuals opt to join forces for the betterment of both by giving to the relationship rather than taking from it. Put another way: "we give to receive", not "take to get".

yeah I read some of your articles

I am glad to hear this. Brandy, EEK, and I have devoted much of our time and talent to helping others coming up thru the ranks to have an easier time of it. The articles you have not read will be there when the need arises for their information.

And my boyfriend is very supportive he's almost always there for me.

Give the boy some kudos regularly.

sorry i didn't explain myself right before

My mom thinks I'm needy as well and It worries me.

Not a problem, I am just happy you added clarification because this does not happen all the time and limits what we can do for people.

Having lived longer, your mother benefits from having accumulated "life" and history and experiences that you have yet to acquire. Other than that, parents are no different than the people they are training to become adults.

You may be perceived as being needy, however, you have the insight and understanding, now, on how to become more independent. If and when you move out of your parents home, live in a dorm and later live on your own or with a roommate, you will be forced into becoming selfsufficient and relying upon your wits and experiences to see you through.

For now, take a look at your relationship and focus your time and attention on your boyfriend. Ask yourself each morning "what can I do today to make his life worthwhile or better"? Give of yourself in order to receive in turn from him. I bet you'll find that your relationship will change for the better after a few weeks. If he adopts the same philosophy of giving, you will then receive what you "need". You go girl!

[lnt1103]

Originally Posted by KMB

I need someone to make me whole

No, honey, I promise you, you DON'T. And you need to get yourself to a place where you believe that. Take it from someone who once didn't feel whole unless she was making someone else whole.

I went for a long time, with this need to be needed. I felt like, in order to prove that I was worth anything, I needed to have someone need me. I needed to be USEFUL to someone. Valuable to someone.

One problem with that is, it's very easy to get USED that way. The other problem is, they work on themselves, and eventually reach a personal place of being able to fix their own issues without me. They stop needing me, figure out how to fill themselves up, make themselves whole without my help. And when I was no longer filling their holes, my own holes became empty again.

That's no way to live. In a relationship between two people, the WANTING them in your life should be different from the NEEDING them in your life. It shouldn't be that you need them so badly that you want them. It should be that you want them so bad, you need them. That probably sounds like gibberish to some, but I hope it makes at least some sense.

[Rouge]

There is no person on earth who can help you if you aren't already whole except yourself.

What you SHOULD be doing right now is taking the time to know and understand who you are by doing different things. Learn what you like and dislike on your own, and make yourself the best you can so that when your partner feels free to let themselves love you out of sincerity, rather than feeling like they're babysitting and every move could set off a crying fit.

[KMB]

yeah, your both right. It doesn't sound quite right when you need someone to make you whole.

[lnt1103]

It's not about whether it sounds right. The thought process of "how it sounds" has more to do with others than it it has to do with you. You can't afford to hold yourself accountable to phantom 'others' and their opinions. It's not about other people, how things sound to them or what they think. It's about YOU, and who you are, what you want, need, deserve.

[EvilEvilKitten]

No one deserves more than common civility. All else must be earned.

But they are correct.

You have to be a whole person in your own right with a satisfying individual life before you can ask anyone else to join with you.