Inexperience with dating & sex, questions

[Anonyme]

Hello,

I'm almost 20, female, and still a virgin. Now, this didn't bother me that much until around 8 months ago, when I fell in love for the first time. I met a guy on the internet I developed an interest me over the past year that we've known each other, and he came from his country over to mine just to see me. So we met up, there was chemistry between us, we kissed, and eventually, I had to confess I'm still a virgin (it's something I had been lying about to him, and I'm not here to ask if that was a stupid thing of me to do cause I fully realise that myself).

So, yeah, I have some questions.

1) The guy I was seeing for... 4 days, is pretty sex-centered. He had sex with all his previous girlfriends, and they were all kind of... sluts. I'm just wondering if I wasted this opportunity with him by not having sex with him. (Even though, he offered me to take my virginity and I told him I'd rather not lose it to someone I might never see again, I gave him the green light, and he didn't do it. Even though I'm sure he would have if I was sure of my decision, cause I wasnt. I'm still not sure if I should regret that or not).

1.2) Is it possible for me to get him to be interested in me again?

2) Am I missing out? Whenever I hear my friends talk about sex its about how awesome it is (or, well, what weird things they've done or something). When I told my best friend(s) I'm still a virgin they all of a sudden changed their opinion about it and told me "its not thát great".

3) Is there a good reason not to be a slut?
Might seem like a stupid question, but lately I've seem to forgotten the answer. On internet fora (I havent asked my guy friends, frankly) I often hear that guys would rather have a girl with some "sexperience" below the belt than someone who doesn't.

4) Dating, how does it work? For me it just seems like such a forced process of getting to know people. So far I've only gotten to know guys "naturally" (for as much as through the internet is natural o_O) and grew friendships between them. There doesnt seem to be much more than just friendship though.

There were more questions, but I forgot. For now I just hope I didnt post it in the wrong forum >_>

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating.

Originally Posted by Anonyme

Hello,

I'm almost 20, female, and still a virgin. Now, this didn't bother me that much until around 8 months ago, when I fell in love for the first time. I met a guy on the internet I developed an interest me over the past year that we've known each other, and he came from his country over to mine just to see me. So we met up, there was chemistry between us, we kissed, and eventually, I had to confess I'm still a virgin (it's something I had been lying about to him, and I'm not here to ask if that was a stupid thing of me to do cause I fully realise that myself).

So, yeah, I have some questions.

1) The guy I was seeing for... 4 days, is pretty sex-centered. He had sex with all his previous girlfriends, and they were all kind of... sluts. I'm just wondering if I wasted this opportunity with him by not having sex with him. (Even though, he offered me to take my virginity and I told him I'd rather not lose it to someone I might never see again, I gave him the green light, and he didn't do it. Even though I'm sure he would have if I was sure of my decision, cause I wasnt. I'm still not sure if I should regret that or not).

Dear Desperate!
What is your hurry? Guys in the good ol' U.S. of A. typically do not think much of girls who sound desperate. I don't know about those from other parts of the world.

1.2) Is it possible for me to get him to be interested in me again?

It depends upon what he thinks of you. So far you are not being a shining example of womanhood. Does he plan to visit often, stay here, take you back? Whatever the answer, you have much soul searching to do and much dating live and in person to do (not over the internet or telephone). If you move, make certain you have a two-way ticket.

2) Am I missing out? Whenever I hear my friends talk about sex its about how awesome it is (or, well, what weird things they've done or something). When I told my best friend(s) I'm still a virgin they all of a sudden changed their opinion about it and told me "its not thát great".

You need better friends. You also need to know why you want sex. Right now you seem to be like guys who just want it to get their "rocks" off. Do you want it only to remove your hymen?

3) Is there a good reason not to be a slut? Might seem like a stupid question, but lately I've seem to forgotten the answer. On internet fora (I havent asked my guy friends, frankly) I often hear that guys would rather have a girl with some "sexperience" below the belt than someone who doesn't.

"Slut"? What do you think of yourself? How do you want others to see you?

Guys would much rather have a girl who is "into them" emotionally and as a person for the long haul.

4) Dating, how does it work? For me it just seems like such a forced process of getting to know people.

I urge you to look at the articles listed in the Index and to read most if not all of them. They will answer your questions. You need a lot more information and education before doing anything in or out of a relationship.

So far I've only gotten to know guys "naturally" (for as much as through the internet is natural o_O) and grew friendships between them. There doesnt seem to be much more than just friendship though.

This is not the best way to meet people. You just have to understand that the people you converse with over the internet can be anything to anybody and often are. Oh, sure, you may meet a nice honest person, but you won't always know until it may be too late and your safety is jeopardized. There have been many many stories including a recent one on the Dr. Phil TV program about meeting people who were not all what they presented themselves to be.

Not only that, when you meet people from other countries you have cultural differences, and, often religious differences.

I recommend you get out from in front of your computer and begin making friends, enlisting their help in finding suitable people to date, AND, joining in sports, sport clubs, social or hobby organizations, in which other people have mutual interests. It's called networking.

There were more questions, but I forgot. For now I just hope I didnt post it in the wrong forum >_>

Please post them as you recall them. In the meantime, please read the articles on being ready for dating, and then actually how to. They will keep you busy for awhile.
I'm Ready for SEX! (or am I?) I really want to do it.

[Anonyme]

Thanks for your reply, doc.

I know I might not seem emotionally as mature as I consider myself to be (and I've learned over the past 2 years that I'm emotionally far less developped than I considered myself to be earlier, ironically). I felt as if I skipped puberty when I was 16, and now I feel like I only just hit puberty. So in case I would make a fool of myself, I chose this user name. Also, the questions/urges I'm "dealing with" have their ups and downs, and right now they just have one of their ups, I guess.

Dear Desperate! What is your hurry? Guys in the good ol' U.S. of A. typically do not think much of girls who sound desperate. I don't know about those from other parts of the world.

It's the sensation I feel like I'm missing out on, I guess. :/
Also because I can't get rid of the feeling that I might've missed out on a great opportunity to get someone to like me because of my lack of experience (or maybe just me not being honest about it).
And btw, I don't have bad friends. They just tend to talk about sex a lot

It depends upon what he thinks of you. So far you are not being a shining example of womanhood. Does he plan to visit often, stay here, take you back? Whatever the answer, you have much soul searching to do and much dating live and in person to do (not over the internet or telephone). If you move, make certain you have a two-way ticket.

Not really, he met up with me just to see if there was some kind of chemistry between us. Later on he told me that him making his moves on me was more out of physical attraction and opportunity than anything else. And that me still being a virgin scared him off, in a way.

"Slut"? What do you think of yourself? How do you want others to see you?

Guys would much rather have a girl who is "into them" emotionally and as a person for the long haul.

I don't think of myself as a slut, at all. Neither am I this sex-obsessed on the outside ¬¬
But, being a slut doesn't mean you can't genuinely be "into" someone or be a monogamous person.

I recommend you get out from in front of your computer and begin making friends, enlisting their help in finding suitable people to date, AND, joining in sports, sport clubs, social or hobby organizations, in which other people have mutual interests. It's called networking.

I did meet guys outside of internet, I just havent fallen in love or developed an interest into them anything else than a casual friendship with any of them. Kinda gets me worried about my capability of falling in love people in the real world, as well -_-.
As for activities: I go to college, I try out different sports, and have a job.

[lnt1103]

[QUOTE=Anonyme;227831]Hello,

I'm almost 20, female, and still a virgin. Now, this didn't bother me that much until around 8 months ago, when I fell in love for the first time. I met a guy on the internet I developed an interest me over the past year that we've known each other, and he came from his country over to mine just to see me. So we met up, there was chemistry between us, we kissed, and eventually, I had to confess I'm still a virgin (it's something I had been lying about to him, and I'm not here to ask if that was a stupid thing of me to do cause I fully realise that myself).

So, yeah, I have some questions.

1) The guy I was seeing for... 4 days, is pretty sex-centered. He had sex with all his previous girlfriends, and they were all kind of... sluts. I'm just wondering if I wasted this opportunity with him by not having sex with him. (Even though, he offered me to take my virginity and I told him I'd rather not lose it to someone I might never see again, I gave him the green light, and he didn't do it. Even though I'm sure he would have if I was sure of my decision, cause I wasnt. I'm still not sure if I should regret that or not).

You 'were seeing' this guy for FOUR DAYS??? And you're wondering if it was a mistake not to sleep with him because you were unsure??? Honey when I was your age I wasn't sure about sex with the guy I'd been with for four YEARS. Well I take that back. I WAS sure--that it wasn't happening because I was waiting until marriage. I say wait until you're absolutely certain, then wait at least another month.

1.2) Is it possible for me to get him to be interested in me again?

Why?? He's God only knows how far away. You're incredibly likely never to see him again. Don't waste your time and energy. He's a computer screen that jumped out grew limbs for four days, then jumped back in the computer. There's nothing there. Move on.

2) Am I missing out? Whenever I hear my friends talk about sex its about how awesome it is (or, well, what weird things they've done or something). When I told my best friend(s) I'm still a virgin they all of a sudden changed their opinion about it and told me "its not thát great".

Think long and hard and figure out what you want and what you're ready for. At this point you're not missing out on anything, because you're not ready. If you were doing it even though you're not ready, you'd be missing out on a lot of personal growth and self-understanding.

3) Is there a good reason not to be a slut?
Might seem like a stupid question, but lately I've seem to forgotten the answer. On internet fora (I havent asked my guy friends, frankly) I often hear that guys would rather have a girl with some "sexperience" below the belt than someone who doesn't.

If a guy doesn't want you because you don't have "enough" experience, that's his problem and good riddance. YOU set the pace-Doc has said that before, and it's true. If you're not 1000% certain you're ready and want it, it doesn't happen, PERIOD. You have some self-searching to do. Come to believe that, no matter what anyone else says, you're worthy of being waited for. Have some self-worth and some confidence. You are valuable enough to have the right to stand up and demand that this happen the way YOU want it to.

4) Dating, how does it work? For me it just seems like such a forced process of getting to know people. So far I've only gotten to know guys "naturally" (for as much as through the internet is natural o_O) and grew friendships between them. There doesnt seem to be much more than just friendship though.

QUOTE]

This is the lion's share of the problem. Get out from behind that keyboard and have some REAL interactions with some REAL LIVE PEOPLE. The only way to learn how to do it, is to do it. I got news for ya, you're gonna have to learn to do it sometime, and sooner is much better than later. Cuz guess what, if you ever plan on having a husband, you're not going to be able to sit at a computer screen, on a web cammed IM conference, repeat vows through a computer mic, put a ring on your own finger, and call that a 'marriage'.

[lnt1103]

PS,

never

EVER

think you'll get someone to like you by sleeping with them. Does NOT happen.

[Anonyme]

Originally Posted by lnt1103

PS,

never

EVER

think you'll get someone to like you by sleeping with them. Does NOT happen.

It's something I heard of. That it's easy to get emotionally attached to someone after you've had sex with them ("so make sure that person is right for you"), just like apparently my best friend's boyfriend fell in love with her after they had sex. I'm also not sure if I would've crushed on this guy if he didn't make any moves on me, but that's something I can't be sure of.

We met up for 4 days, but we've known eachother before that for around one year. I know that the things I'm telling about him make him look like an incredible jerk, but he's not. These are just fragments of stuff we've talked about and experiences from my perspective (and maybe connections I've made that simply arent there). He's been very honest with me about this situation, didn't string me along, and didn't take advantage of me when he had the chance.

Thanks for your reply.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Your error has been to swallow all the trash you have been taught about sex. Sex does not mean love. Love does not mean sex. The two are separate until you choose to join them together. Love is the deep and abiding emotional bond between people. Sex is the physical expression of desire. Do NOT confuse the two. Sex does not make anyone fall in love with anyone. It is entirely possible to enjoy sex with someone you do not even like let alone love. You can have and enjoy sex with more than one person simultaneously - it is just adult playtime.

Slut is a term used to denigrate a woman who enjoys sex with whomever she pleases, when and where and how she pleases, by those who have issues about sex. They think she's debased. They think sex is debasing. Oddly enough, they do not apply the same disgust to men who do the same sexual thing so there is more than a little sexism involved. Stop using the term yourself.

The reason why sex is 'not so great' according to your friends, is that they and/or their lovers are so very BAD at it. Sorry, but you wuld be dismayed to find how bad most people are at sex. They spend so little time studying it, so little time exploring their partners, and so little time discussing ways, means, aspects, etc. Hence the very real need for this forum. Please also understand that everyone has his/her own sexual style. This is over and above their level of sex drive.

Virginity is something of a handicap, as you have found, but NEVER lie to anyone ever again about your sexual status. It is unfair to do so. MEn are perfectly aware thta women will hold any poor outcomes against not only them but also against any other subsequent man that woman may encounter because women do. They have heard it all before. Naturally, a man would hesitate to "deflower" you unless he was a complete uncaring lout.

What you need now is a "skilled practioner" who will treat you with the consideration that you require, teach you the ropes, and discuss with you all of those ways, means, and aspects I mentioned earlier. For this, forget men of your own age. They don't know enough yet. What you want is a nice male about 10 years older than you who has been divorced for about two years now. There are plenty of them about and you should be able to pick one up very easily. Run through approximately two of them, maybe three, and then go back to the men your own age for your husband-material.