When to have sex while dating

[sweetnothings]

Hi, I have been reading the forums for a while but decided to join. Very informative by the way!

I am a 23 year old female, recent college graduate, who has only been in (3) exclusive long-term relationships . After reading the advice and getting hurt once again by engaging in an exclusive relationship when not ready to settle or marry, I have decided to date many people as has been advised.

I've noticed that you say dating does not necessarily mean sex. I am not really sure how to go about "just" dating. I have never done casual dating, in the past I have always looked for more. I really enjoy the companionship and affection from men and definitely enjoy sex but do not know how comfortable I will be having sex with someone I am not in a relationship with. Is it just inexperience? Or do other people have problems being intimate with someone who they do not really care about? I have done a FWB with an ex but it didn't work out because he wanted more, and I decided it wasn't going to work for me because of the emotional baggage. Just looking for some other input! Thanks

[Brandye]

You have crammed three "long-term, exclusive" relationships in and had a friends with benefits relationship with one of those. Not exactly inexperienced at 23 if I may say so.

In my past have been relationships of meeting and jumping one another and others that take several dates. There is no time limit nor number-of-dates limit. You have proceeded when comfortable in the past. Sounds like you are comfortable with that. Proceed with caution and do what seems natural. And, whatever else you are using, condoms every time.

[sweetnothings]

I understand it will be different with each person and no time formula. I guess I wonder how other people get over separating love from sex? In the past I have waited until I cared about the other (1.5 months was the shortest wait) and that was while not dating anybody else at the same time. Now that I think about it, it wasn't necessarily "love" at 1.5 months but did progress to that over time. I'm just not sure that I could get intimate with someone I was only casually dating? Anybody else with similar or different opinions?

[TnL329]

ummmmmmmmm, if you are not comfortable getting intimate with someone that you are only casually dating, THEN DON'T!!!!!! I mean it is your decision who you do it with. And if you are only having sex because they want/demand it, then they are not worth keeping around. Sems to me like you have answered your own question.

[lnt1103]

Personally, I can't separate sex and love. The former doesn't happen without the latter, and therefore eventually becomes an expression thereof. The trust that is a part of the loving relationship is vital.

I've also never been one to date non-exclusively. I just can't get my brain wrapped around having more than one love interest on my radar screen at a time.

More power to those who can separate the two, don't get me wrong. To each their own. Just not my style.

[pancake]

To your question, "people having problems bring intimate with someone they don't care about".

I have to say I agree with you. I am just not interested in having sex with someone I don't care about. And to add, Have never had a one night stand.

Pancake1

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by sweetnothings

I've noticed that you say dating does not necessarily mean sex. I am not really sure how to go about "just" dating. I have never done casual dating, in the past I have always looked for more. I really enjoy the companionship and affection from men and definitely enjoy sex but do not know how comfortable I will be having sex with someone I am not in a relationship with. Is it just inexperience? Or do other people have problems being intimate with someone who they do not really care about? I have done a FWB with an ex but it didn't work out because he wanted more, and I decided it wasn't going to work for me because of the emotional baggage. Just looking for some other input!

Traditionally, it has been a woman's responsibility to set limits or boundaries for how far to go in a relationship. This pertains to the couple's socialization as well as the romantic and the sexual aspect. She can extend the limits as she sees fit whenever she sees fit.

"Love" and "in love" are two different circumstances. Each of us can "love" one or more other people and this connotes a deeper connection than does being a "best friend", "casual friends", or, "acquaintances". What it does not (yet) mean is having a romantic involvement. Being "in love" takes friendship and love to a much higher degree of involvement and commitment; and yes, usually a romantic involvement wherein the couple desires to demonstrate their love.

Sex vs. Involvement:

Originally Posted by int1103

Personally, I can't separate sex and love. The former doesn't happen without the latter, and therefore eventually becomes an expression thereof. The trust that is a part of the loving relationship is vital.

I've also never been one to date non-exclusively. I just can't get my brain wrapped around having more than one love interest on my radar screen at a time.

More power to those who can separate the two, don't get me wrong. To each their own. Just not my style.

As a general rule men have a much easier time of separating love and romance from raw sex than do women. Women want an emotional or a connection between the two psyches reinforced with romance and perhaps sex. While possible to have sex without an emotional bond, it is difficult to impossible much more so for women than men. Having said that, many guys find it difficult to have satisfying sex with someone they are not emotionally connected to. Lust? Pure unadulterated raw sex? Sure, there can be a time and a place.

Dating two or more people non-exclusively is a social practice in which we get to know others much better than if we were simply friends. A second benefit is that we are better able to sample what humanity has to offer in order to be better able to recognize when Mr./Ms. Right comes into view.

Non-exclusive dating precedes exclusivity that comes into play after narrowing the field. At this stage, we should be dating one person and taking the relationship from "love" to being "in love". You won't be dating more than one love interest. It's all about semantics and definitions.

[smallestoftheclan]

I personally don't choose to be in a sexual relationship with more than one man at a time. That doesn't mean that I haven't dated more than one guy at a time. Dating is dating, dinner, bowling, a party, day at the beach ect. If a guy asks me to go to dinner on Wednesday night and another asks me to go for a bike ride on Saturday afternoon, then I say yes until I decide that I want to take a relationship to a sexual level. Once I do that I consider myself in a committed relationship, I date only you and you date only me, and I expect the same from him.
Depending on where I am in my life, I may date one, two or even three guys. These aren't my guy friends, these are guys that want to take me out, or I want to take out. Dating is the time you use to get to know somebody. Do you have enough in common with someone that a long term relationship may come of it? Are there shared interests? Is there something that makes your blood boil, so to speak. If yes you continue to date, if not stop seeing that person and find someone new.
Everyone has their own guideline, if you will, about when it goes from dating to a sexual relationship. Sometimes that depends on the person. You may wait a couple of dates with one person, you may wait a month with someone else. It depends I think on each person, don't jump into anything until you are ready.

[lnt1103]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

Dating two or more people non-exclusively is a social practice in which we get to know others much better than if we were simply friends. A second benefit is that we are better able to sample what humanity has to offer in order to be better able to recognize when Mr./Ms. Right comes into view.

Non-exclusive dating precedes exclusivity that comes into play after narrowing the field. At this stage, we should be dating one person and taking the relationship from "love" to being "in love". You won't be dating more than one love interest. It's all about semantics and definitions.

It's also about personal choice. I personally have never had any trouble narrowing the field one man at a time. It's been narrowed by the time I begin to date him. In fact I find the field easier to narrow one man at a time, because the waters are less muddied than if there are several blips on my radar. Instead of 'Do I say yes to Man X or Man Y?' the question becomes 'Do I say yes to Man X or do I say no to Man X?'. And given my current relationship status, what I call 'serial monogamy' has worked for me very well. Again, not to discount the other way....it's just not who I am.

[TnL329]

I am with Lnt. Narrowing the field then dating has worked pretty well for me too. I am NOT a big fan of the dating several at once method. I mean all that is, is a free ticket to lead people on. And personally, I know very few people who could go out with person A tonight, person B tomorrow night, person C Monday night, person B Wednesday night, and person A again next Friday. I would be insulted, if it happened to me. I am not here for maybe maybe not. If you are not sure after one date and a couple of days. Then well, your loss. Plus, I am not going to begin dating someone casually only to find myself in a competition.