Online Relationship in Trouble - Need Advice

[Kaliuga]

Ok, I just went through a serious fight with my "E-GF" I met 2 years ago. Here's our history.

We met in a chatroom about 2 years ago. We only talked for a few hours, once a week. As time went on, we started to get to know each other, our likes, our dislikes, and soon we were talking more and more often. Then the day came where she told me she was falling for me. I shared the same embrace by telling her I had the same feelings. She lives in California. I live in Canada. We started to talk everyday for 5+ hours a night, talked over the phone, sent pictures to each other and talked over MSN mostly. Then we started to have fun by performing sex over the internet. (Me on a webcam, she would be on her mic).

Time went on and she suspects that I've been going on the webcam for someone other than her. Shes always asking if I'm on the webcam doing things I shouldn't be doing with other girls, and time and time again I've told her that she is the only one I do those things with. And I'd have my own suspicions of her, I would think that at time's she would block me on MSN to talk to other guys. And in the past, I have found out she has blocked me, but she says it was because I'd change my Display name alot that she wouldn't recognize it was me. So I just stuck to having my name as my MSN display.

Now, the thing that gets her mad the most, is my emotional behavior. She believes that I get moody and act weird when I do something bad, and I react to it. (She thinks I do things for other girls, and panic) But I am a very sensitive person and I tend to take things seriously and myself too seriously, and at times there will be somethings she says that will affect me emotionally (Like tonight, she said that I should be more romantic like my brother, whom she only gets that impression because I talk about him and his GF). She said that jokingly but I took it personally and felt hurt, and that's when I slowed down responding to her, and when I do that, she thinks I'm talking to some other girl while talking to her, and that's what sparked her anger.

We had a long fight about it, she said she's sick of me accusing her of doing things she shouldn't, and she's tired of my excuses I tell her, and she's tired of me acting like this emotional baby all the time, it almost sounded like she wanted to break up with me, but she said that she didn't say that, but it sure sounded like she was going in that direction.

What is the problem here? Am I this paranoid fool who keeps ruining things by questioning her faithfulness and being too emotional to everything she says? Its now or never it looks like, I need to figure out whats wrong.

[Genno]

Well, this is the pitfall end of your relationship. If you can't learn to trust each other then where is the love?

[sera300]

And this is a person you never spend real time with? Just the internet? Shut the computer off and go out on a date. When do you plan on being together in the real world?

[lnt1103]

OK speaking as someone who met a guy a year and a half ago in a chat room, talked to him for five months via internet and phone before meeting a year ago face to face, and is about to move 180 miles to move in with him....

Have you been in the same PHYSICAL LOCATION with this girl?
Face to face?
In person so you can touch and truly look into each other's eyes?

EVER????

My guess from the sound if it is no, and therein lies part of the trust issue. I think she's coming to the realization, as are you whether you want to admit it or not, that you can only trust or become emotionally attached to a computer screen or a voice on the phone to a certain extent. The face to face MUST happen...you MUST interact in real life and in person to truly explore this relationship. How can you honestly tell her you love her if you've never held her? Looked in her eyes without a computer in the way? Heard her voice without it being transmitted electronically?

Could it be that one of you, if not both of you, is suspicious of the fact that this has not happened in two years? What's the reason for that? Either meet this girl and get on with it, or cut her loose and get on with your own life....which should include interacting with people IN PERSON.

[Brandye]

It is an imaginary relationship. Ergo, cheating is only imaginary. Get your butt away from the puter screen and find a real woman.

[smallestoftheclan]

Wow, and I thought Goof and I had a strange relationship. It sounds like your whole history has been one long fight. Look at it this way, you didn't meet 2 years ago, you became acquainted with this person 2 years ago.
Why have you not met? California is a great place to visit, even for a weekend. And I'm not sure where you are in Canada but there are great places there to see as well, why have you not invited her there to visit.
You don't mention your ages, maybe that is the reason why. Are you both young? And you were on a web cam and she only on a mic, do you really know what she looks like? How old she really is? What you had was not sex, it was getting each other off via the phone or internet.
Why were you changing your display name so often? And having just your name as your display name is not the smartest thing to do. Especially if your going on line via your web cam and performing a sex act. I do have to wonder if you ever thought that people other than this girl in California is logging onto this site and watching you and listening to her.
A long distance relationship is hard, I've been in several. And trust is a big factor. Sometimes less is more, not being able to be a physical part of each others daily's life is usually what I found to be the hardest part. To hear that he did this and this, with this person and that person, many of who I never met even though I went to visit as often as we could afford me to do so. And if you've never visited her and she's never visited you you've not only not met each other you've also not met friends and families. When speaking of your brother and his girlfriend, I'm gonna take a guess here and say they have a local vs long distance relationship, try saying that you wish she was close so that you could do whatever for her. Example would be "my brother surprised his gf by dropping off her favorite lunch at her work today, I wish I could do that for you, this long distance is hard." Does she get it that what one gets in a long distance relationship is not what one gets when you live together or around the corner from each other? She knows how to push your buttons and that is what she does, maybe it's not all you but just the fact she had a lousy day so she takes it out on you. Your the one she is talking to at the end of the day so you get the brunt of it.
What are your relationship guidelines. Do neither of you date others, even in a group setting? The guy I dated in California loved to go to Vegas with his friends every now and then. I was in Michigan and well I didn't want to know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. And if a bunch of my friends did something he didn't want to know either, living 2300 miles apart made it what it was. If I was in California, or he here in Michigan, the rules changed, we were the total focus of each other. Not that we forgot each other when we were apart, but we both love to have fun so just because we were not going to curl up just because one of us was in California and one of us in Michigan. It was hard, lots of wanting to be where he was and he wanting to be where I was yet it was what it was and we had to learn what we could and what we couldn't fight or argue about. We dated for over 3 years, and saw each other as often as we could, usually 5 times a year. The week of my birthday I went there, he came here for his, one or two more weekends I went there and 2 maybe 3 more days met somewhere in the middle. It was hard to break up with him, we both cried yet I wanted more. If he had proposed and asked me to move to California I would of. I didn't break up with him cause I hated him, but because I wanted him without the 2300 miles between us and that wasn't going to happen. He and I still speak, his best friend and his niece HATE me for breaking his heart but I did what I had to do for me. He may of gotten married last month, it would of been his 3rd and her 1st. He's in his 40's and she's 20, his niece set them up??? He says she hounded him about getting married til he said yes just to shut her up. whatever...
Now you also have another issue, you live in Canada and she lives in the US. If this relationship were to continue where would you two live? It's not the easiest thing for either of you to relocate. I dated a guy who lived north of Toronto, and he brought up relocating to the States often. Did he love me or did he want a ticket to the States? My parents were, they've past away, Canadians, I was born here in the States and I have the ability to apply for dual citizenship. He's still in Canada and I am well done with him, that relationship lasted what a whole 3 months, maybe.
I won't even touch the differences between an American and a Canadian, and yes there is a difference. Probably larger than what most people even realize. Having always lived here in the States and having most of my family living in Canada, it was just my mom, dad, my two brothers and me here in States and the rest of the family in Canada. They may of been 4 hours away, near Toronto, but the border was only an hour away and there were lots of places that my friends and I loved to go hang out at on weekends just across the border.
So you have exchanged photos, she has seen you on webcam, why have you not seen her the same way? My gut tells me to tell you to run but this is your decision. Having posted here you are looking for opinions, this is mine. Good Luck....

[Kaliuga]

Im 20 and she is 18. We planned to meet once we both moved out of our houses for college. The only reason we havn't met in person yet is because of our parents. She goes to church alot and her parents are very strict and wouldn't approve of this, same with mine.

She is extremely smart and witty and very funny, we make each other laugh and, she is the only girl i've had feelings for in my life, i have an extremely shy personality and in high school never had a girlfriend.

While this relationship is indeed hard, i have tried on numerous occasions to try and mail her things of affection, things for valentines day, her birthday, but she hasnt be able to let me do those things because of her parents, or shes afraid they will find out.

[xkatex]

You are too young to be resorting to the internent for a realtionship. As hard as it might be GET OUT THERE. Go hang out with buddies, go party go HAVE FUN. Maybe its just me, and maybe ill get my head bitten off about it but seriously I think "over the net" relationships are bogus. They are just ego boosters and are all imaginary. How do you know she doesnt have a real boyfriend? In reality, you really just dont know.

[lnt1103]

Kate has a point, to an extent. My relationship with T kind of defies it, but then, we're not solely over the net. We've been face to face every other weekend or so, plus one full week in there somewhere, for a year. So we're more like long distance instead of net only

You need to work on your in person skills. The only way to get over your shyness and get to know people is to do it. You have to be able to relate to people in order to make relationships work. It's not possible for a relationship to be come real and meaningful if it stays cyber.

You've GOT to get off the computer and truly interact with people.

[smallestoftheclan]

Originally Posted by Kaliuga

Im 20 and she is 18. We planned to meet once we both moved out of our houses for college. The only reason we havn't met in person yet is because of our parents. She goes to church alot and her parents are very strict and wouldn't approve of this, same with mine.

She is extremely smart and witty and very funny, we make each other laugh and, she is the only girl i've had feelings for in my life, i have an extremely shy personality and in high school never had a girlfriend.

While this relationship is indeed hard, i have tried on numerous occasions to try and mail her things of affection, things for valentines day, her birthday, but she hasnt be able to let me do those things because of her parents, or shes afraid they will find out.

Kaliuga you need to just move on. If she didn't want even a valentines day card, you didn't have to sign with xx's and oo's on the card it's just a card. Same with her bday. And then to complain to you that you are not romantic is nonsense. Does she mail you, or offer to mail you a card? Would your parents freak if you got a card in the mail? What goes around comes around.
Look at it this way, this was a good first relationship. You've learned to talk to a girl, now get out there and do it. Can your brother and his girlfriend set you up. Include you and maybe one of her girlfriends on a double date. Invite you to a party where there will be some single girls for you to meet and for them to meet you.
You need to put this behind you, never blame a new girlfriend for acting like your last one. We really don't like that. Start talking to girls, join a group in college, a study group or such, where there are boys and girls. Watch how they interact.
On a date, open doors, hold her chair, let her order first, and pay. We do notice what is left for a tip, so be on the generous side. Unless the soup landed on her lap 20% is good. First two numbers of the total bill x's 2 divided by 10.
So a meal that is 27.00, 27 x 2 is 54, divided by 10 is 5.4, leave 6. and remember it's easy after you multiply by 2 put a decimal point before the last number and thats divided by 10. 54.00 x 2 is 108, 10.8 is divided by 10 so leave 11.
If you see someone that you think you might like to date, ask them out for a coffee first. This so makes me miss Tim's, the closest one to my house is a good 20 minutes away. This gives you a chance to chat. Get a coffee, a donut, and take a seat. Think about several topics that you may be able to talk about. Stories in the news, classes you are taking, sports or activities you like, and don't forget to ask her. You're in this chemisty class has she ever taken it? You have this professor has she ever had them? Obviously if you met her in chemisty or in this professors class you don't want to ask her those questions. You're not stupid.
If you're in the cafeteria alone, and you see a group of people and you know one or two ask if you can join them. Broaden your horizon's. Widen the base of your friends. Go to the parties you hear about, obviously if you don't want to be around drugs then you don't go to those parties. Take with you what you want to drink, and drink nothing else.
The members of this board are here for advice and support. I know it hurts to hear move on, but with what I have read from you that is the only way. Let's say you go visit her or she visits you in the next few months, I kept my first relationship a secret from my parents for 4 years. Met him when I was 13 and we broke up when I was 18. I lived in Michigan and he in New York, what my parents knew was partially the truth. At 20 if I told my parents I was going away for the weekend I went away. You get on a plane, you check into a hotel she comes to see you for dinner or the day. She doesn't have to stay with you and you don't have to stay with her and her parents. Now with the need of passports coming into effect yes the travel will be harder. I just see this relationship becoming harder before it even has a chance.