Boyfriend/Girlfriend Issues

[xkatex]

So last night I was on the phone with a friend of mine and this is how the story goes.

She was going through her boyfriends cell (he kinda knows she does but not when), and she found texts a) telling his best girl friend that his phone fell into the toliet and thats why he hasnt been texting her (never happened), and b) Telling a girl with whom in the past he had a "thing with" responding back saying "I love you too!"

Little things, yes, but she feels insulted that he would say I love you to a girl that he had romantic relations in the past with. As for what he told the best friend shes not too sure whether she should feel insulted or be happy (she HATES his best friend with a passion).

What are your opinions on the matter? If you need more details ask for them. The whole night and morning shes been giving him the cold shoulder so she says, she said when she got out of the car and he said "I Love you" she couldnt even say it back, it felt weird. So what do you all think?

[sera300]

Tell her to think nothing of it. Okay, he had a sexual relationship w/her at some point. It does not imply he loves her in the sense of "love like marriage".

I say to a male friend that I love him & he will say the same. In the past we were sexually involved; however, the love referred to is a love of a dear friend. When he or I say it there is no thoughts of a "romantic" love; it's the love of a friend who means so much to me and visa verse. He is married; would never say it around his now wife. He loves his wife in the most respectful way; I love him as a dear friend where we are merely platonic. He taught me to trust people at a critical time in life; I taught him all women are not evil. It's more out of respect which there is this bond.

The texting? He most likely did not respond to her since he was tied up & did not want her to feel put off. However, making up an excuse other than "I had other plans" is not good. If my friend of many years said he had "plans" or I said I did ; we both know the other HAD plans & could not get back or call...not that one did not wish to talk to the other.

I would just blow it off...it who he chooses to be with, not who he talks to. People are free and will stay where they want to be; if not they move on. Probably not a good idea to look...

Lesson learned; once my former fiance left me his cell. Told me to do whatever; he was waiting for a call from work. I looked & well, much could be misconstrued & taken out of context if I was probing/suspicious. I looked out of curiosity of how HIS phone worked. And he had many text messages from women; as I got to know them over time? They really meant nothing & if I just looked at beyond face value at the time; I would have thought he had something going on with them...as I became friends with them over time; I saw the interactions & there was NOT a thing wrong with what was written--much was also inner jokes. I needed to understand the dynamics in both's lives and where they stood. These were friends and co-workers who worked in groups for long periods of time. I also got to know the attached spouses of a few. As once said "believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see". Trust goes along way & over the years together; I know he was committed to me.

How's the Tonsils?

[xkatex]

I once remember a talk show talking about the issue about how things get put out of context. Like the littlest things that are said can be taken sexually or interpreted as sexual. I told her it is because she is expecting to find something and therefore EVERYTHING looks suspicious to her. She has also had alot of bad luck with the men in her past and I think her issues stem from there. She has lost men to "the other women who was just a friend" several times and therefore has insecurities about other women (as friends) being in the picture.

She just really feels insulted more than anything about the whole situation. He has called this girl "babe" and "sexy" before and it really got to her. Like to the point where she was bawling and considering a breakup. She is a very very jealous person not by natural but by past events and she has the tendancy to blow things out of porportion. But I do feel bad for her the situation she is in now is not exactly her ideal one. Her boyfrineds friends are ALL female and he is very close with most of them. It makes her "insides want to crawl out" so she says.

Is there anything I can tell her or suggest she do to help her with her insecurites and her jealousy issue. She "trusts" her boyfriend but its more like she doesnt trust the other girls. I guess you could say she doesnt trust him 100%, she feels like if a select few of the girls where put alone with him in a room something may happen.

Any tips?

And tonsils are dandy, pretty much eating any and all foods just everything taste spicy! Like i was eating those powdered sugar donuts and they were spicy like its ridiculous haha.

[sera300]

If a person wants to cheat; they can do it with you knowing or without, under your nose or far away.

Prime example was my previous spouse. Now, I had to look at my then fiance, see him for who he was. Trust? Yes, 100%. I found he was actually more comfortable being outgoing & would "flirt" with women he was not close to romantically. Flirt w/me? When we first met, yes. Later on? NO! Everything he said to me, even jokingly, was from his heart & serious. Therefore, I could not understand how he could be so open in appearance with other women yet so "reserved" with me. What he did open up about over time was his feelings which were beyond the surface.

The only thing I can say; if you love you must trust. Jealously will only push/drive him away. So what he has pictures of others; we all have a past. Some are comfortable with the pictures since they have no real value as the ones with the person you love. Others hide theirs due to the reaction of a jealous person or due to hurt. I would not concern myself with it. It's either 100% trust [no jealousy] or 100% lack of trust. Her past relationships are her problem & not his. I cannot scrutinize my former fiance for his actions based on a former cheating spouse [mine]! It's a fresh slate & if you look for "evidence" you will find something to be jealous over.

Regardless of his inferences to his friend; she is the one he is with not the other. We all choose to stay where we want to be...if she pushes him; he will walk & for no valid reason on her behalf. Sometimes it's our male friends who boost our ego when it's down.

You were fortunate w/your tonsils!

[xkatex]

I will be sure to let her know. She just feels like the things he says to her shouldnt be things he says to other women. Which i understand but I call some of my best guy friends sweetheart or dear which is something i call my boyfriend as well. I think shes just confused, she wants to trust him 100% just feels like once her trust is out there she has no way of protecting herself.

And yes very fortunate with the tonsil, but I would never wish that sort of pain on anyone in my entire life haha. For four days I couldnt even swallow water, now im more than happy to munch on a bag of Dortios!! lol

[sera300]

It comes down to knowing the person well & understanding the context of what they are saying...often I say "Okay Dear". I never say it condescendingly; I say it with different intents/meanings heard through my voice & tone. In a love; it's meaning "okay my dear love"...when just said or written it's meant in an endearing phrase to convey my comfort. However, if you really don't know me; it's often misconstrued by many. Other times; one will hear me say "Hi love" v. Hi "X"...again just a phrase to a person I am close to; one being personal & the other intended to be not. It's all in trusting another; I have told a male friend they are sexy or look hot...does not mean I shall bed them. If said sultry? Watch out.

Glad you are munching the Doritos! I could not eat anything hard for 3 WEEKS!

[xkatex]

I see what you mean. I think shes more worried about him day dreaming or going to sleep thinking about these women rather than him getting in bed with them. The girl in question lives in Quebec, basically shes fits the mold perfectly of the spoiled little daddys girl. She gets everything she wants. I think shes worried that since her boyfriend does have financial problems that hes attracted to the other girl cause she could offer him more? Like she feels threatened that this girl could buy him a whole new car where she would barely be able to help him replace a cheap part.

Its hard to explain exactly where shes coming from but with her if its not one thing its another. Like if hes not getting late night text messages from his best friend (female) than hes being flirtatious with one. Like there always seems to be something bothering her and shes well aware that no one is perfect just feels that sometimes like he just doesnt care about how she feels or that he just wont listen.

Like what she feels is a big deal he sees as a little bump in the road if not no bump at all.

And that really sucks! I was eating by the 5th day but like mashed potatoes and stuff. But i find that im still very sensitive to dusts and perfumes and hot and cold drinks.

[sera300]

Here is a point; a man [or woman] will not hand over or leave accessible something they try to conceal. He sees nothing happening here, only her.

If he is going to take off for finances? Good riddance to bad trash. If he wants to talk to her all night? Well, if he is with his g/f & this is an ongoing matter, the g/f really needs to evaluate is this the right guy for her? If I am out or with someone; unless you have an emergency, don't bother me since I give 100% of my time to the man I am with. If I am dating other people, I am focused on the person I am out with, not tomorrows date.

In an exclusive relationship? Call me during normal hours unless there is an emergency. Same with him. I don't wish to shoot the breeze with a friend at midnight when I have someone I am with; I am usually sort of "busy/occupied". And I don't expect him to jump up and grab the phone and shoot the breeze either when we are busy. If something came up, a call came in, I'll take care of it, answer it, and offer to call you in the morning.

If I am dating someone; my time is my own & don't question me. It's trust & if he cannot trust me, he does not belong with me.

Whatever her issues; she needs to re-think what she is doing & stop being the Monday morning quarterback or guessing at what may be happening/or not happening. If she is not trusting she needs to fix that herself, not look to him to do it for her or for you to! If she cannot trust him she should not be in an exclusive relationship.

[smallestoftheclan]

Is he any less attentive to her? Now if he had told her his phone fell in the toilet and she found out it hadn't then she has a reason to be upset. And what was the context of the email to the one he has a past relationship with. Is she going thru a hard time, or did something traggic happen, a death or serious illness, and part of his support is telling this person he loves her.
And this "he kinda knows she does but not when" about her going thru his cell how would she feel about him going thru hers? Or listening in on the conversation she was having with you? Is reading a text or an email all that different from listening in on someone elses conversation?
If you have questions come to me, don't go putting it all out there to someone else before talking to me first. And don't come to me, with specifics, until you've talked to your partner. Obviously this forum is a little different, we all are not friends. We come to care about each other, but we don't or at least I haven't had any face to face contact with another poster. (yet lol). Even talking to co-workers about this kind of thing can come back to you, or him.
She's looking to you for advice, tell her you don't want to hear about it. What if she goes to him and says "Well I had found these text messages in your phone, you know I go thru it so don't act all that surprised, and what's up with telling so and so your phone fell in the toilet and so and so you love them. I talked to (insert your name) and told her all this and she said to talk to you or dump you or to hire a private investigator to follow you for the next two weeks.
She needs to get over herself, get the fact that is she is not only worthy of him but is he worthy of her. Unless she changes her actions this relationship will never work. She is sabatoging it. They need to talk, who cares who or what he dreams about, dreams are not controlable because you are asleep. I like the saying that ends with "his slippers are under our/my bed." Boys will be boys and men will be boys, some are faithful and some are not but you can't say they all are just because one is.

[xkatex]

That you Sera, and SOTC.

SOTC, I see where you getting at. The toliet issue is what he said to his best girl friend as an excuse to why he wasnt texting her (though she never asked him why and the toilet issue NEVER happened). Also there is nothing wrong with the other girls life. They were talking about how he is supposidly buying something (which in reality hes not) and he was basically bragging to her, he cracked a joke she said I love you and he replied I love you too.

But thanks for all the clarification