advice please

[don't_understand]

After a long term relationship ended the first guy I dated has me confused. I was married for 14 years when my ex-husband and I came to a mutual decision to end the marriage. I was offered a job here in the mid-west and he decided to stay in Wyoming. After about a month of dating this new guy and I talked about starting the intimate part of our relationship.
He said that he likes his women to be neat, and asked if I knew what he ment. I thought I did, or wasn't going to admit I did not. I don't go get waxed, but I can wear a bathing suit without embarrassment and it's not a bush.
He asked me to go with him on a business trip which I thought would be fun, it was a long 4 days. Now I don't know what his issue was. We were intimate several times yet he kept saying "it wasn't sexy"? Is "it" my personal area or is giving him a hug, while in bed it? He has a belly the size I was when I was 8 months pregnant, does he just hate that I put my hand on it? This is when he said it. Not once or even twice but three times?????
So he's from North Boston, divorced and a business owner. Is he just an idiot or do I need to go get waxed? I have a skin condition which makes this very painful and I know you have to keep up on it. I shave the edges and I do trim the center part so that it is what I would call neat. HELP! Please

[sera300]

Dump him. Expecting a woman to get waxed [if that is what he is implying] is a very personal choice. Tell him to have his groin waxed & you may consider it after he shares his experience with you. YES, there are real idiots out there; however, if he has not specified what his issue is are you supposed to guess? Perhaps he believes you should just clean your clothing closet better? Sort of difficult to guess what he is inferring when he is not talking.

Saying to you "IT was not sexy"; my reply would be sarcastically "neither were you"...why are you debating his personal issues? I would have kicked him to the curb.

[dancingdoc2]

> I don't know what his issue was. We were intimate several times yet he kept saying "it wasn't sexy"? Is "it" my personal area or is giving him a hug, while in bed it? He has a belly the size I was when I was 8 months pregnant, does he just hate that I put my hand on it? This is when he said it. Not once or even twice but three times?????
So he's from North Boston, divorced and a business owner. Is he just an idiot or do I need to go get waxed?

You are asking the wrong people. He is the one with the specific answers.

Why can't you talk to him? Communication is key to a successful relationship and without it, everything is a guess. I'm guessing he has issues with this and that is why he is being non-specific.

Sera offers sage advice. I hope this is also.

[don't_understand]

The business trip was a horrible idea. After 4 days both of us were happy to be rid of the other. He is also divorced and has two grown sons, who he has no or little contact with. This is their decision, they felt he abandoned them and their mother when he left. They still see his parents and sister but want as little to do with him as they can.
My son, he is 12, wanted to stay in Wyoming so he is there with his dad. My ex and I had been having marital issues for the last 6 or 7 years, we did love each other and our son so we kept trying. When this opportunity came, we talked and decided this would be the best time to seperate. We both work for different airlines so my, our, son visits me one weekend a month. I have been here about 7 months and miss him, and I miss my family.
When I met this new guy I thought he was cute. I could deal with his weight, all in his belly. It has been a long time since I have been in the dating scene, about a year since I seperated, fourteen years of marriage and three years prior to that of dating, 18 years. Much has changed, and I am not in Wyoming.
I no longer speak to this man, so I can't ask him. And I don't want to talk to him. I don't think he wants to talk to me. Let me explain the situation where he said this to me. It was not while we were intimate, it was while we were falling asleep or waking up, I would of been rolling over and put my arm around him. Touching his belly, not his privates.
I just wanted to know when a guy tells you he likes you to be neat does that mean shaved with no hair? Is that the terminology?

[arutha]

It really could mean different things to different people, there is no universal meaning of the term. In future, if someone makes a comment like that don't be afraid to admit you don't know what they mean and ask clarification, it will solve a lot of hassle and save time spent wondering.

And a month of dating gives him no right to start demanding or even strongly sugesting how oyu should groom yourself, take it as a red light if someone does that. They are only going to get more controlling as time goes on. Really, we all have our preferences, but we can't expect everyone to be perfect.

[lnt1103]

I'd say its good that you're not in communication with this guy anymore. He doesn't sound to me like he's worth your time, or as much as I hate to say it, like he cared about you all that much. There's a reason his children don't want anything to do with him, and from the sound of his behavior it's probably something more serious (ie more objectionable in the eyes of one's child) than feelings of abandonment. Not to diminish those feelings, but it sounds like he just doesn't know how to treat people. During the first few sessions with someone, you don't tell them 'it wasn't sexy'. You're careful and considerate and constructive with what you tell them about the experience. It's not 'it wasn't sexy', period, paragraph. It's 'you know what I bet we would find very sexy?' and then you offer up a supportive, constructive suggestion and discuss it. Catch that difference? The latter is considerate of the feelings the other person is having about their performance during the session.

I say good riddance.

[sera300]

ah, good riddance to bad trash. You are fortunate to not be with him. As I found post-divorce. Good lingerie shopping, tighter clothing, etc. Not that I did not care for all that usually; however, When work was awful &busy, some parts had to go to the wayside...If I was to see my spouse, I would take the time to tidy up & be appealing.

Dating? Well the expectations are out there. Men think we wear thongs daily, I do keep waxed because of ticks...but shaving and a trim is sufficient...ultra sexy undies on a whim & daily? No. For a date? Yes, I am into it. Letting loose is fine..but just find your inner sex appeal no matter what it is!

[smallestoftheclan]

Sera is right, move on. I'm sure that it is going to he difficult, having just left a relationship that sounds like you tried to save for the wrong reasons. Saving a marriage for a child is not the right road. They pick up on this as much as they pick up on other things parents think they should be hidden or protected from. The right guy will come along, and happiness is not only possible if you are in a relationship. Keep looking and have fun searching for the right guy.

[EvilEvilKitten]

To begin with - you have been married for a long time and your 'radar' is rusty. This you have proven by selecting this man with the results as we have seen.

The red flags were 1. the need for you to modify yourself to meet his expectations, and 2. taking you on a business trip - where he could be seen with you because no one would know him or you. Saying no to him at this point would have spared you the insult "it wasn't sexy". The last red flag is his poor relationship with his kids.

You're a single woman now and you have to learn how to look after yourself properly. Show your self-respect by NOT going out with lesser men. Show some regard for your personal safety by NOT ignoring red flags. If something does NOT seem right - something isn't right and you should walk away.

Good luck!

[dlb]

It sounds to me as though a relationship with this man will never work.
You are confused and unhappy. Why bother. Move on.