Not sure what to think...?

[HereIgogogo_Gone]

It's been awhile since I have been here; last time was a doozey with what I had going on with the girl at the time. But I am back, and looking for some possible wisdom for whats going now?

Well here goes... I am 21, shes 17. It started out with her lieing about her age by 4 years, so she said she was 21. But found out that she was not... oh, a month or so later. I didn't care to be honest. All that I cared about was her and her personality. I guess maybe she lied about her age to be able to get older men? I don't fully know, but I looked past it nonetheless.

To skip past all the drama that has been going on with her and her life, I didn't confront her about her age until it was not to so stressful for her and the events that were going on in her life. When I finally did, it was in the middle of August. Silly of me to hold that kind of stuff for that long I know, but oh well.

Longer story short... in my past, I have been cheated on by a few of my now ex-girlfriends. With that, I am cautious on whom I wish to be with. I know anyone wishes to have some personal things kept to themselves. But I have learnt to be able to read through body-language that they are keeping something from me when I ask them something. When its just such a simple question that shouldn't matter if they just answered me straightforward.

Well, my current girlfriend, to whom I have been with for 6 months now. I strongly care for her, I have been with her while she had problems with family and everything. Just been the guy that any women would want, to their personal preference and with my own personal flare of course.

But it has come to my attention, not sure if I am over-reacting or thinking of the worst to come... but I feel as if she may be fooling around with other guys. Reason why is that I found an account of hers on a sex site that you make a profile and whatnot and you search for potential sex-mates. Only reason how I found that out was because of a friend wanted me to search for his girlfriend if she was cheating... ironic eh? I found though, that she was only really active for about 2 weeks after the activation of the account, and stopped shortly after we made it "known" that we were going together.

This may sound bad by how I put it, but since I am weary about being cheated on again, against the privacy of her phone texting conversations, while sitting next to me, I glanced over and saw a message(not going to get into great detail) but thought it sounded quite sneaky to be honest on how it was worded. A thing that's even going to sound bad on my part is that I took her phone, and attempted to read her messages, because it did get me worried a bit(scald me on that, I don't mind). But every last message was deleted, sent and in the inbox. So either she has something to hide with those and doesn't want me to see(if she thinks I'll look into her phone) or she was just clearing some space for more later on.

Now... I try to be objective about everything, try to give the benefit of the doubt towards her. And I am trying not to be quick to judge, since for one, I honestly don't know whats going on. But I do plan on confronting her with this soon, because it is a set of questions that I need to get answered; otherwise it'll just eat me up inside.

Sorry for the rant... but, I guess I just needed a release, and maybe have another perspective and wise thought on it all? I don't know. But yeah. Thanks though if you did actually read through all that mess that I wrote, hah.

[lnt1103]

First, stop checking up on her behind her back and TALK TO HER (And tell the guy that had you search for his girlfriend to do the same). Back-door sneaking around and checking up is immature and solves nothing. All it does is cause all the questions you're asking us. But the kicker is, WE can't answer them for you, only SHE can.

The first thing that hit me was, she lied about her age. For my money, automatic GONE. She was lying to you from the moment you met and you can't build a trusting relationship from there.

The next was, you're together 6 months and she seems either oblivious or to not care about your personal history and the trust issues that arise from it. Doesn't sound very considerate or understanding to me.

I think you know where I'm going with this so I'll stop here. But that's also just my own reaction. You have to talk to her and then make your own decision.

[smallestoftheclan]

You got it INT, first one lie then another then another. It wasn't like she had a fake id to get into a bar, she looked you in the eye and lied. How did you find out her real age?
And with the lie about her age there are questions in your mind about all her answers. Trust is something that is easily lost yet very hard to reearn.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You are an adult male messing around with an under-age female.
GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR #$$%.

Once you found out she was under-age you SHOULD and now MUST break off the relationship. PERIOD So it doesn't matter if she's seeing or not seeing anyone else. Stop being stupid. Stop investing your heart, timid as it is, in unsuitable females.

You're 21 and should be showing some sense - instead you show less.

In any relationship - nothing else matters EXCEPT the interation between her and you. Being jealous, suspicious, etc. - all hallmarks of an insecure male - rid yourself of them. Focus only upon you and her and what goes on between you. She lied - therefore she's out. End of story.

But messing around with an under-age female damns you. You want to be tagged as a sexual offender for the rest of your life?

End this foolishness now.

[Mr. Saint]

From what I have read, I’m not a lawyer; the age of consent is 16 in Canada. If that is the case you are not committing a crime. Now I am going to take the other side of this argument. I would side with your girl friend. As someone who has lied about my age, possibly for the purpose of sex with older people, I think you can look passed the fact that she lied about her age. There are a lot of reasons why she might have lied. I would talk to her about it. If you really care about her, than age should not matter as long as it is not going to land you in prison. Furthermore, it sounds to me as if you are a rather controlling person. You do not own her, she has a private life that you have no business in. if she decides to share it with you than fine, but in no way are you entitled to information about her personal life.

[lnt1103]

I totally disagree Saint. Well except one point.

1-She was lying to him from the very moment their eyes met. When you're lying from the get-go, how does one know when you're actually telling the truth? How do you trust someone when the very first thing they told you about him/herself was a lie?

2-None of his business? His gf is none of his business? If they're exclusive and contemplating life together, her personal life damn straight IS his business! He has every right to know and (if,together, they choose) be a part of what goes on in her world.

However:

I do agree that the checking on her has gone to an extreme, and that it can signal a controlling personality, which he does indeed need to watch out for. That said, in the face of her lying, I don't know that I'd blame him all that much for distrusting her. Provided it doesn't pervade into everyday life with every woman he encounters.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Where do you get the impression that SHE regards this relationship as exclusive? He might but it does NOT appear that he has told HER this.

Consult your lawyer about age of consent.

Also if you don't trust her then why are you with her? What's wrong with you that you'd consent to being with someone you cannot trust?

[TnL329]

I think there is not alot there. More stuff that here is putting in his own mind than anything. I think he needs to worry a lot less. But anyway since he is so paranoid now about this relationship, it is doomed now anyway. No chance to recover. Plus I will add, he better be very aware of the laws for wherever he is at. In my location it is 18 years of age.

[lnt1103]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Where do you get the impression that SHE regards this relationship as exclusive? He might but it does NOT appear that he has told HER this.

Hence the 'IF'

[Mr. Saint]

I think I was a little unclear about what I meant. When it comes to lying about her age, yes it is a lie and that is bad. But if you can forgive the lie and still trust the person then I think the relationship can continue. Nothing has actually changed about the person, if you still trust the person that is. About the right of knowing about your partner’s life, in a healthy relationship, your partner should tell you about what they are doing. But you don’t have a right to investigate the other person. You also don’t have to share everything with your partner; you are allowed to have a private life. Now you should not be lying or deceiving your partner. I just see a lot of guys around my age acting like they own there girl friend, like they have a right to know every little detail of there girl friends life.