is he a cheat? what shall i do??

[uncreativename]

I was dating my boyfriend for about 3yrs and we split because i wanted to go out with someone else. The whole episode really shook him because it was one of his friends that i dated (i know..i didn't know how friendly they were at the time and i wouldn't normally do something like that). ok, so all my mistake. Then i split up with the guy - i kept missing my ex so we decided to give it a go again and everything has been going so much better...we spend loads of time together and things just work now! The problem is he is really paranoid i'm going to run astray again..a valid worry...even though i have told him millions of times i'm just into him (which i am)

anyway the other day i found an email of him blatently flirting with this girl he knew and i just got really upset..i've done everything to make him trust me again and he's flirting with other girls!?

i confronted him and he said it was a protection mechanism as he can't fully give himself to me as he's afraid i'll destroy him again through another breakup..

he says he's in love with me and would never cheat (he's even mentioned marriage and kids)...

but, is this normal behaviour? he said he doesn't find the girl attractive and i think he just liked the attention..but i just can't help feeling really helpless...is he going to cheat? what can i do to make him trust me..i have done everything..is this a doomed relationship?

any advice would be appreciated as i'm really confused.

uncreativename

[sera300]

First both of you have to stop being insecure and have trust. Without that, no marriage.

So, you dated another other and perhaps he did as well. Marriage is discussed but you need a foundation and you are not engaged or married. Without a deep trust you are doomed and should put a thought of marriage away until you resolve and build trust mutually. If you do not commit to doing this you should part ways. Without trust and shared values & morals you will resent each other with time.

Flirting; yes, it happens and is not uncommon. What is it really? bantering back and forth which often shows a person they are noticed, attractive, or just fun. Is it cheating? Hardly. Furthermore, cheating only enters when married.

[smallestoftheclan]

I don't believe that cheating only enters a relationship after wedding vows. If I am in a committed relationship and he strays then he cheated, or if I stray I cheated. I've been cheated on but never cheated and I ave never been married. You have to define cheating. Cheating to me is physical contact of a physical nature. Going to lunch with someone of the opposite sex is one thing, touching them or having them touch you is so not cool.
If you broke up with him before dating this other guy then you didn't cheat, you went out with someone else and discovered that the guy for you was the one you already had. If this is the case then tell him. Yes I dated someone else, but it's you that I want. If he can't make that commitment to you then you need to move on.

[EvilEvilKitten]

STOP IT!! "If I'm in a committed relationship... yadda yadda yadda" Look, if you want "committment" then get married and be done with it. Until then, you're BOTH free agents. Until you two are completely ready to say "stand and deliver" and head immediately to the altar, you're just dating. Period.

Why? Because if you think/feel otherwise, you will continue to have this "oooh he cheated one me!" thing over every little item on the list. You'll run around looking and finding little issues here and there, you 'll continue to be insecure and drive eachother NUTS! And the relationship is doomed.

Sound familiar yet?

You, uncreative, need to drop this relationship right now. You need to get out there and build yourself your own complete individual life. You have to solve your insecurities on your own and become the best person you can be on your own time. Date as many men simultaneously as you can talk into it to keep yourself from getting into this situation again. Only then will you find the right man for you. He'll be the one saying "marry me or I'm gone."

[TnL329]

One lesson that is taught that most people forget is that if you go back it is never the same. This is a classic example of that. Uncreative you are learning what seems to be a very painful lesson. You thought the grass was greener, you went to the other side, and then well you found out otherwise. It is not the same as it was, nor will it ever be. I would say put yourself in his shoes? If he had broken up with you after 3 years, dated someone else, then came back, would you be able to totally trust him the way you had? Anyone who says they could is someone that doesn't totally ever trust anyone. I am not saying that you won't regain his trust, it is going to take a considerable amount of time. But I can't say you ever will totally regain his trust again either. I would say that you and most people should really think about these things before ending a 3 year relationship, or even taking a break for that matter. If you go back it is NEVER the same.

[Buck Naked]

When I was younger I had a GF that I would've done anything for. I really felt like it was meant to be and it was indeed the "fairytale" that we all strive for. Well...she cheated on me. After much talking and yelling I took her back. I forgave and tried to work through it. Our relationship was never quite the same. We still got along great, but the fairytale was gone. I really never got past the cheating and, ironically, I started cheating on her. Once you see a person in a different light, it is really hard to alter that image. It still really sucked when we broke up, but it was clearly for the best.

I guess my point is just confirming what TnL329 is saying. Don't get me wrong, I love how it all turned out because I am married to the perfect woman for me. I guess sometimes it's better to realize that you are in a no win situation early, rather then have it bite you in that ass later when some children may be involved.

If you move forward together, make sure BOTH of you can forgive and forget completely. Otherwise you may be in for a lifetime of problems.

[sera300]

When you are married you find ways to work through issues, cheating or not. Until you cannot strike a reasonable compromise, have exhausted all options, is when you divorce--decently and with respect.

Early on? Life is easier when you move beyond believing in the fairy tales and see the beauty in each moment. How each experience has affected a person is what makes each hopefully a better person.

I never realized how that "little piece of paper" changes the dynamics and what you are willing to do for a spouse--this is commitment. As you ride the years, it's finding happiness in the ordinary parts of life which makes it extraordinary! However, when a relationship is sour in the beginning [while dating] why try to make it into something it's not? People are who they are, and its best off to call it from day one; otherwise, one ends up settling, later resentment, & regret are ominous of the future.

[EvilEvilKitten]

That little piece of paper makes a HUGE difference!

Because now, you HAVE to.... whatever together FOREVER.

And that's the point about "cheating" - unmarried it does not count because it does not count. You don't even have to wave "bye bye".

Change your mindset, uncreative, and trust us on this one - let the guy go.
He is NOT the one for you.

Because if the bond between you two was strong and true - the past would not matter a damn!

[lnt1103]

Wait I'm confused. You were with this guy for 3 years and then *boom* you drop him to go to the 'greener grass on the other side' to quote TnL's metaphor, and you're telling me you honestly wonder why he can't trust you????? Um, DUH. This is not rocket science. Trust is incredibly hard to repair once broken.

Do yourselves a favor and let each other go.

[sera300]

She seems confused on many areas, should sort herself out, & figure out what she wants for her life. Being involved with another, well, is a delicate situation...marriage is not on the table here.