how long is too long???

[~curious~]

we have been dating for a year and 5 months, and we were "friends" for at least another year before. he uses to be a wild kind of guy he had about 3 girls at once, it was an agreement with the girls and they didn't last and he was hurt very bad by one of them, he really fell for her and she dumped him after cheating on him. he was really crushed by it all so i know he will not cheat on me. but he had recently asked for a break, i don't think i can do it. i've seen him with other girls before we dated and towards the end i hated the girls. when he asked me for the break i told him no but was that wise?? he doesn't feel happy with his life so he asked if i was willing.

should i try it even though i hate the idea? is he trying to break up with me? is my unwillingness going to drive him away?

[dancingdoc2]

This is a classic example of why I urge people not to enter into an exclusive relationship until s/he is ready to settle down. Teens in particular because of their inability to handle emotional and behavioral issues well are particularly not well suited for exclusivity.

Dating should be all about going out with lots of people whether more than one person at a time or sequentially in order to sample what humanity has to offer. We expose ourselves to a variety of characters, characteristics, likes, dislikes, quirks, moral religious values, goals, etc. After dating lots of people we have a much clearer set of guidelines for what type of person is best for us. If dating begins and ends with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us then a person will never know if this is a best fit. In addition, exclusivity with teens sets them up for all sorts of drama and trauma that they have yet to develop coping skills for and are less able to handle than when older.

From your description of events it seems like your boyfriend is looking for a way out of this exclusiveness with a wish to broaden his horizons learn about the world and to find himself in it. In my opinion, both of you should date others casually. Continue to be friends if it suits the two of you. By dating others you will have all of the things you seek with an exclusive relationship albeit with others, and, you will be better able to recognize Mr. Right when he appears.

> i've seen him with other girls before we dated and towards the end i hated the girls.

Is this logical? This is misplaced anger. If anything you should be angry at him for asking these other people out, yet this is not logical either based upon what I said the purpose of dating is.

If he wants out for whatever reason, you cannot do much to prevent it. If you did put your foot down, then you are doing so for all the wrong reasons including being selfish. Are you relying upon him to complete you? If so then you are in a relationship for the wrong reason. Relationships should be partnerships in which each person comes to it in order to build something greater than the sum of its two parts. The people should be autonomous and able to live quite well by themselves, although preferring the company of the other in order to have an even better more complete life. There is a difference.

[lnt1103]

Personally I don't believe in 'taking a break' from exclusivity. Are we in this together or aren't we? Do you want me or not? There's no 'taking a break to decide if I still want you as much as I thought I did'. If two people agree to be exclusive and explore all that goes along with it, the trust gets broken when one decides to explore other avenues. And trust is like glass--very easy to break, and when it does, it more than likely shatters and it is very hard to repair, especially if you expect not to leave scars.

Sounds to me like what he's really wanting is out, and he's trying to make it a softer blow for you by suggesting taking a break. Give him what he's looking for and move forward with your own life.

[TnL329]

i think you are in a no win situation here

[sera300]

Agree to split & you move on with you life with no expectations of him returning. No breaks...why? Serious relationships do not get a break, especially when you are married.

[~curious~]

i agree

I don't believe in 'taking a break' from exclusivity. Are we in this together or aren't we? Do you want me or not?

so if he really wants a break then we're gonna, we're gonna have to break up, but he's gonna have to say that

his reason for the break made no sense

[dancingdoc2]

Live and learn. Have a "break" if you want to attempt to hold on, yet I believe that you will find all too soon that we are giving you the hard reality of truth. That said you are simply setting yourself up for more heartache down the line.

Why do you find our reasonings suspect? By attempting to wait for what will likely not continue, you are simply supplying your own needless drama and trauma to your wellbeing, peace of mind, and progress. Breaking up is hard to do at any age. The first time is very very difficult and it does not get easier over the years with others; what changes is our ability to cope with future breakups as we continue to develop and mature and acquire skills.

Grieve for the relationship and then move on, you will be healthier and happier sooner than later.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Int stop it! You are not some married woman of 38 with two kids to feed and a house to maintain! You're a kid who is for some "romantic" reason NOT having the fun she should be! You're CLINGING and there's nothing a man hates more!! They tend to regard girls who do that as putting a noose around their necks and begin gasping "I CAN'T BREATHE!!!"

If a guy wants to take a break - let him. How would you feel if you wanted out and he held on like grim death whining in your ear about how "lost" he feels without you, and how much he loves/needs/desires you, and on and on and on....get my point?

Yes it is not pleasant to hear "we should take a break" but that is one of the prices you pay for exclusivity. Time for you to pay up and grow up.

[lnt1103]

Pardon me, I'm 29 and doing nothing of the kind. I know precisely who I am and what I want from life, and am standing up and demanding it. With all due respect to your beliefs against monogamy, just because I happen to disagree doesn't make me incorrect in how I run MY life. You do it your way, and I'll do it mine.

[TnL329]

I really don't think int is clinging EEK with all due respect. I am a male and I personally believe that if you decide to be exclusive, then you should be just that. I mean truly "lets take a break"? What the hell does that mean? Oh I am sick of you for now, let me go out and screw a few other girls, then when they are sick of me and ready to move on I will come back to you when there is no one else! I mean give me a freaking break! If you are man enough to go exclusive, then go exclusive, if that is not working for you then be man enough to end it. All you are doing by taking a break is dragging things out, and hurting other peoples feelings. You say we should take a break is one of the prices you pay for exclusivity, how is that a price? A price is that you DON'T GET TO SCREW AROUND WITH OTHER PEOPLE! Exclusivity=one person exclusively.

EEK it is time for you to grow a brain and learn a lil something about life. Maybe you don't believe in that one true person for you, but many people do. It sounds too as if your definition of fun is sleeping around with any freak you can, well to me and many others that isn't exactly our idea of fun!