how long is too long???

[EvilEvilKitten]

TnL - perhaps you should learn a bit about someone before you begin getting all "personal" as you just have.

"EEK it is time for you to grow a brain and learn a lil something about life. Maybe you don't believe in that one true person for you, but many people do. It sounds too as if your definition of fun is sleeping around with any freak you can, well to me and many others that isn't exactly our idea of fun!"

Dating many does not mean being sexual with them all. It means dating. Taking a break does not, of necessity, mean fucking other girls. The reason why you may feel that I do not believe in "one true person for you" is precisely because I do know an immense amount about life and have been studying, intimately and otherwise, human interactions of all kinds for more than 40 years. Contrary to your belief, I do not sleep around with any freak I can. I play with my chosen few according to the rules agreed with my adored and much beloved husband of 30 years and counting. We both agree that we have NOT been married to each other nearly long enough. And one "with all due respect" does not excuse your post.

Int, fine; but hanging onto someone who is not altogether certain they wish to be with you is never a good thing. If he's not ready, willing, and able to commit why would you want to force him to do so? Your beloved comes to you in his own time which may not necessarily be yours. Your BF wants some time and space on think about your relationship. Are you going to tell him that you're not generous or trust him enough to grant his request? Yes, I am challenging your beliefs. But I am also trying to decide who you love more, him or yourself.

[funinthesun]

Why is it that so many people make such extreme assumptions such as "he just wants to fuck other people" regarding a break? Is that what you fear will happen? Did someone simply say that to you because they wanted to be nice and you found out later? Such strong views come across as knee jerk reactions caused by previous hurt, not thoughtful insight.

When one deeply cares for another, one thinks about the other person often and does their best to make them happy. Especially true for younger relationships is the fact that even great ones can add pressure to life. How often do younger people know what they want out of life much less how to balance that with the real world practicalities of career stability, financial independence, location, and relative responsibilities? That's quite a lot to learn about life without adding a second party(exclusive serious relationship) that one cares deeply about when one doesn't understand what sacrifices they're willing to make to keep that person with them because they don't even know what those sacrifices will be. People often stay with another because they fear losing that person. They should stay because they're ready and comfortable with the sacrifices that doing so entails, because if they stay out of fear, it often leads to divorce much later in life when they become bitter having learned the things they should have taken time to learn way back then and want things the other can't provide or prevents them from pursuing.

Often it is best to learn and grow together. Other times it's necessary to grow by oneself. Relationships are partnerships, and no matter how close two people might be, they will never be each other's singular source of solutions in and for this world.

Whatever the reasons for his request, his request is what it is. He could simply mean that he cares about you dearly, but isn't comfortable with himself or position in life to be comfortable with a serious relationship. Either way, it is unfair for him to expect you to wait for him and the practical result of the "break" is that the relationship ends. Maybe he'll soon understand enough about himself and feel comfortable enough fully open up to you, yet you'll have moved on. Maybe he won't figure things out for years, yet when he does the two of you happen to run into each other at the grocery right after you've gotten over a different relationship and sparks reignite. Most success and failure in life is due simply to timing. There's never anyway to know, but you do know that the current situation, for whatever reason, isn't right for him.

[lnt1103]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

TnL - perhaps you should learn a bit about someone before you begin getting all "personal" as you just have.

Int, fine; but hanging onto someone who is not altogether certain they wish to be with you is never a good thing. If he's not ready, willing, and able to commit why would you want to force him to do so? Your beloved comes to you in his own time which may not necessarily be yours. Your BF wants some time and space on think about your relationship. Are you going to tell him that you're not generous or trust him enough to grant his request? Yes, I am challenging your beliefs. But I am also trying to decide who you love more, him or yourself.

Perhaps you should learn a little about people yourself before making that judgment. Trust me, communication is the cornerstone of our relationship, and I know exactly where he is at on the commitment scale. If there were complaints, I'd know that well before you.

Having spent 40 years studying human interaction does not educate you enough to teach me how to lead my own life. And given the number of personal hells through which I've crawled on my knees, rising from the ashes that appear only in most people's nightmares, I pray for your sake you never get that smart.

[~curious~]

OK now I'm not going to break up with him because i feel that a 30ish guy should be a man and be able to explain their emotions.

If he's not ready, willing, and able to commit why would you want to force him to do so?

i am not forcing him to do anything more than to be a man and if he wants out then he'll have to break up with me. i don't believe in a break or the reason he gave so i will not be generous

i am in my 20s and i feel i know what i want and i do see that what I'm doing is clingy but i don't see anything wrong with it. its a little unfair for him but its not fair that he will sit there and tell me how much he loves me then says he wants to see other people, it made me cry and that's i basically how i told him no

[TnL329]

EEK--"playing with a chosen few" is a lifestyle that is morally opposed by many, but I am not one to judge. I understand that everyone has a different lifestyle, and they have to find a life that works for them. I find it hard to believe that you would belittle me for making a personal attack on you without really knowing you, yet you felt it was appropriate to attack Lnt when you really do not know her. The original thought of this thread was about a girl who's bf has asked for a break. I don't believe that when things get tough, or you need time to figure things out, that a break is the way to go. If the gf is opposed to the break that is asked for that is a pretty major difference of opinion and the relationship is likely doomed. While you may feel ok to give any one of your significant others a break, some people do not. It is not clingy or anything like that. Asking for a break in my opinion is disrespecting the one that you supposedly love. I just don't feel if you love someone that much, you should need a break from them. I think that needing space and needing a break are entirely different things. If my gf came to me and wanted a break I would not let it happen, it would be over. At the same time I would never ask my gf for a break. If the relationship is not working for me, than I would be a man and end it. In the end that would be the best for everyone involved.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by ~curious~

OK now I'm not going to break up with him because i feel that a 30ish guy should be a man and be able to explain their emotions.

i am not forcing him to do anything more than to be a man and if he wants out then he'll have to break up with me. i don't believe in a break or the reason he gave so i will not be generous

i am in my 20s and i feel i know what i want and i do see that what I'm doing is clingy but i don't see anything wrong with it. its a little unfair for him but its not fair that he will sit there and tell me how much he loves me then says he wants to see other people, it made me cry and that's i basically how i told him no

This guy is loosing interest & wants to see other women. He wants a break so he can do so since you are not the number 1 on his list. Now, you turn around and tell him no [to the break] yet refuse to end the relationship? This sounds rational to you? He made you cry? Okay, this is life. Not to be cruel, your post sounds immature. He has basically outlined he wants other women & not to see you; you are holding on to nothing. The inevitable will happen since he was letting you down easy.

How can you stay with someone who cares for you [in your words] yet does not want to be with you? Where is some self-esteem? Find a man who wants to be with you. After being together for a year and half...he is thirty & your in your twenties; what are you holding on to? Has he made some promise to marry you? Discussed seriously marriage with you? Or is he just biding his time?


TnL329: You last sentence...she did not end the relationship. She is making him do it. Makes no sense to me.

[constantlylearning]

Sera did you have a nice lunch today?? Was the weather to your liking??

[sera300]

Yes, lunch was wonderful as was the weather...much better than sitting in the hospital bed with only an IV!

And your lunch? Weather?

Do you think I am a Prima Dona (sp???) LOL!

[constantlylearning]

Maybe a touch. Actually skipped lunch today too much golfing you know. LOL
Weather-------------PRICELESS

[constantlylearning]

I thought that the thread needed a little change of pace and tone...........
Yes, I did take the liberty.