problems with my gf

[silver_jk_alakalec]

my girl friend and i have been haveing alot of problems lately she snaps at me all the time for just simple things like explaining something that she askes or just explaining myself. and is very insacure about me no matter what is say or do if it has to do with a girl it automaticly means im cheating on her. and im just tired of it and want help to make it stop. please help me make her belive that im not cheating on her cause im not.

[lnt1103]

I've said this many times in the forum as a whole-have this convo with HER. SHE's the only one who can tell you what she needs from you in order to trust you. Tell her how it upsets you for her to snap at you like that. Tell her how much you care about her and how it hurts you that she doesn't trust you.

But at the end of the day, her insecurities are just that-HERS. If she's bound and determined not to trust you, she's not going to. No matter what you do, it will never be enough unless SHE works on herself. You can be there to try to help her through it, but in the end it must come from her.

Have the talk with her. If nothing changes, you have some decisions to make.

[dancingdoc2]

YUP! What she said.

In addition to being insecure, she most likely has maturity and self confidence issues to deal with as noted above.

I've said this many times, also: A relationship must be a partnership. Communication and feedback are the two key ingredients. The two autonomous individuals join together to form a relationship that is hopefully greater than the sum of its two parts. Each is there because s/he wants to be!

"Trust" is generally a given until it is broken. Of course trust is earned, however, this just makes it stronger. You have to begin a relationship somewhere and that is with giving it automatically to the other person and then building upon it from there. If you have done nothing to break or sacrifice her trust then it sounds to me like she is unable to assume that it already exists. Trust can either make or break a relationship. She is breaking it and must be made to understand this and how to overcome the problems.

If you cannot go about your daily activities be they school, work, sports, hobbies, shopping, socializing with friends, and not bring those experiences back to the relationship at the end of the day to share, then expect receiving the "third degree" about what you have been doing--and then having your response be suspect, also.

You are in a no win situation unless and until she understands the nature of trust and how her insecurity and lack of self confidence are counter productive to what she wants. Her behavior is illogical, here's why: Most likely she had to trust you somewhat and enough before you began dating in order to take that next step and actually start a relationship. Now that she is in it with you, she has a responsibility to presume that you are in it for the greater good, also, and are not going to do anything that will jeopardize the quality of it. Right now it appears she cannot make that connection. Until she has undeniable proof (not gossip or hearsay or a run away imagination) that you are up to no good, then your relationship is doomed to failure.

Those decissions you have to make very likely mean moving on without her if she is unwilling to change and then successfully make them.

[dancingdoc2]

> she snaps at me all the time for just simple things like explaining something that she askes or just explaining myself.

I do not have an answer for you on this because much depends upon the interactions between you and in the moment. Without knowing the dynamics it is impossible to say with any certainty why she is behaving in this manner. Had I to offer a guess it would be--

* Impatience
* Does not like the answer or explanation
* Has underlying hostility toward you for some unknown reason
* Has no real interest in hearing an an answer to the question

..and the list can go on. My suggestion is to try and calm her when she jumps on you and ask her why she is impatient or being intolerant.

I'm sorry I cannot offer more. Perhaps others can.

[sera300]

Okay...If I can ask you have been an item for 4 years, she is insecure, etc. and you are not caring much for her behavior.

How have you changed towards her in the 4 years? Take her for granted? Is she perhaps acting out secondary to your changes? Not defending her actions since she should speak up for herself; however, there are many women who act very childish as a way to get a reaction out of a man. Negative attention is better than no attention.

[dancingdoc2]

In addition to what Sera said, is this that I got out of a relationship book from twenty years ago. A lot of her testy behavior may also be due to testing limits. The book goes on to say that women want boundaries in order to know what the limits are to a relationship and when they know what they are then they can comfortably relax and have confidence in their man's guidance. Right or wrong by today's psychological outlook, this is still food for thought.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Stop accepting her poor behavior by letting her get away with it. Call her on it. Don't try to talk her out of it. Instead tell her to stop it. Do not try to soothe or appease her. You do not have to explain anything. All you are doing is demanding the respect you are due from her. If she does not, then you move on to someone more mature.

[neeta]

"Is she perhaps acting out secondary to your changes?"

mabby there are things that you are doing in your life that she is trying to get used to

[silver_jk_alakalec]

no cause what she is doing is far to drastic to what i am doing so i think she is hideing something.

[sera300]

You both need to sit and discuss the issues, honestly & openly. If no resolution, what you both see is what you get. Sounds as if you both are not being respectful to the other. Perhaps it's time for each to begin to date other's. End the relationship mutually and on good terms, politely, certainly this behavior is not good for either of you.

There are times women who are younger and not willing to toss the real issues [or able to identify them] react poorly to men when they withdraw. Men tend to become complacent over years, until the point they have had enough.

If you believe she is hiding something, you do not trust her and trust is key as is communication, respect, & honesty.