Issues with trust after bad incident

[Ktina]

Sorry, this may be a little long!

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 months. I know that's not a long time, but I think I am really in love with him. He's the first guy I've been able to be myself completely around.

My 11 year old sister likes him too. He was nice to her, nothing bad, but she was getting the wrong message from him and started to think that he actually liked her more (he is 20, by the way). She was always texting him and getting in the middle of our relationship, almost trying to ruin it.

I finally put my foot down and deleted his number from her phone and told him not to text her anymore because I was uncomfortable with it. He said he wouldn't. Somehow my sister got his number again and saved it under a different name. I asked him if he texted her and he had said no. And when I looked at her phone they had been, nothing bad, but still. Then in a text he had told her to delete her texts, obviously so I couldn't see them.

I got mad, deleted his number yet again and had my mom talk to her. Things seemed fine. One night when he was sleeping over he was texting a girl and seemed to be hiding the texts. So after he went to bed I decided to take a peak (I know, bad.). I looked in his pictures and there was a pic of my sister naked showing her boobs (if you would consider them boobs.).

I freaked out at him and my sister. She said he had told her to send it. He said he was drunk and didn't even remember it happening. I am still questioning his answer and the situation, because I doubt he would have been drinking since he had work at 5 in the morning.

I forgave him. Many would probably have dumped him, but I just couldn't see him as the gross petophile type who would do that. I hope with all my heart that he was truthful.

But now I have a hard time trusting both him, and my sister. I don't want them around each other, I don't want her talking to him, I don't even want her looking at him. I forgave him, but I still now don't trust him, not with my sister or any girls now. I have not forgiven my sister yet, because she was sober and knew he was my boyfriend and still did it. I'm not sure if our relationship will ever be revived.

He also doesn't trust me, even though I am completely faithful. If one of my guy friends texts me he will get wierd and assume he likes me.

I guess I'm kind of venting, and kind of wanting advice. I know most of you will probably think I am absolutely nuts for taking him back and not completely kicking his a**, though. How can I trust him again? How can I get him to trust me? Trust is a hugeee partr of a healthy relationship, and I think we both really need to work on it in order to thrive.

[arutha]

Really, going through people's phones is not a good idea. It is an invasion of privacy, I am somewhat surprised he didn't have a go at you for that. However, pictures of an 11 year old girl naked are illegal and considered a very serious offence in many parts of the world, he should know that. If you are having these kind of troubles at 2 months, it is best to just end it. Its not going to work out in the long run, both people need to trust each other. You clearly don't trust him, and have a reason to not trust him, and it sounds like he is insecure and doesn't trust you. Its not going anywhere good, end it while its still short term.

[funinthesun]

Forget what this relationship is doing to you. THINK OF YOUR LITTLE SISTER. You have an obviously impressionable PRETEEN WHO IS SENDING NUDE TXTS TO ADULTS. Does that not bother you? Are you so desperate for companionship that you're willing to risk severe psychological relationship issues that will haunt your little sister; possibly forever? End this relationship, get a hold of your priorities.

[lnt1103]

I agree completely!! Get this guy the hell out of your and your sister's lives. What the hell is he doing at 20 years old texting an 11 year old anyway for crying out loud!? There is something incredibly wrong with that.

You're right not to trust him. The stuff with the pedophilia aside, your sister is only 11, and blood is thicker than water. I see the part about her continuing kind of like reinforcement of behavior. When she thought he liked her, and he continued to text her in return, who would NOT keep going with it? Think about it-when you were 11, if a 20yo acted like he was that into you, you'd have loved it. She's a child who thinks its cool that a 20yo is into her. Chalk it up to that and put your arms around your sister instead of this sicko idiot.

[dancingdoc2]

Where are the parents in all this? You are to be applauded for your concern and actions regarding your sister and the boyfriend. Unless your mother or father are not in your lives, then they need to be informed and to deal with your sister beyond what you have done.

I disagree with Aruthra regarding the issue of privacy. Under normal circumstances I would not arbitrarily read someone's diary, E-mail, or text messages; however, a parent and perhaps you as an extension, have an obligation to keep a minor child on the straight and narrow and to acquire any information to prevent harm from coming to them.

Your sister needs some guidance in dealing with her budding sexuality, and, with boundaries when it comes to other people and respect for their relationships. Her actions were wrong, although, from your account, not due to malice, more like inexperience and having fun without being able to understand or realize consequences. These are matters a parent or other adult should begin teaching her.

As for the boyfriend and his actions, he should know better and should have nipped this in the bud. His actions speak to his character as a young man. I agree, hand him his traveling papers as he is too immature and irresponsible for you.

[sera300]

Ditto with Doc. He is not to be trusted. And you need to tell your parents for the reasons Doc stated.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Talk to your mother again. Your sister needs help. Not because of the sex but because she's targeting the wrong male, she's playing sibling rivalry games with you, she's practicing "pussy power games". All of which will hurt her in the long run and worst of all she is not listening to her mother - because she thinks she knows better which is stupid.

You should also kick this bf of yours in the teeth. Do NOT forgive him. A 20 yr old getting sexual with an 11 yr old has ISSUES. (You should choose better men yourself.) You are known by the company you keep. Do you really want to be known as the gf of a guy who hits on your 11 yr old sister??? I don't think so. This guy is unworthy of you! A worthy man would not have had anything to do with your sister.

BTW it is pedophile and yes, he might be one. It isn't like they wear signs around their necks.

Time for BOTH you and your sister to have a dose of reality.

[Palm Tree Knight]

Dump him! He's a creep. He's not worthy of you. Get your mom involved because your sister could be in danger with this. He can't be trusted. If he keeps going this direction he could easily find himself in jail or prison. You and family do not need to be put through the aggrevation or all the trouble that he's going to bring. You can do so much better!

[Brandye]

In many places, a twenty year old possessing topless pictures of an eleven year old constitutes a felony charge of possessing child pornography. That should tell you something.

And, your mother and your sister need to have that long talk. She is turning into bad news for herself and those around her.

[goof'schik]

I'd dump him, and if your mom had already talked to her and you have talked to her take away her phone. she's 11, you and your mom are the adults, if she can't be trusted with a phone then sorry kiddo.

I can understand a child having a cell phone when away from parents for emergencies but that is about it. And she's, the 11 year old, not paying the bill I bet. Mom and dad or whoever is needs to review the phone bill to know who she is calling or texting and who is calling her.

If I was your mom I'd tell him as I kicked his ass out of my house that if I saw his number on either of my daughter's cell phone bills again I'd call the cops.