Tips to get over the ex..

[uncreativename]

I have just come out of a turbulent relationship with this guy i'd really put on a pedestal..he was gorgeous and was really really into me..but we didn't have the same values and he treated me badly as he was immature and couldn't cope with a long distance relationship..we eventually decided after a year of pain to stop talking and move on.

I have been very up and down about him naturally and was wondering if anyone had some good ideas on how to get over him, move on, and how to vent my feelings..
i've tried spending time with friends, but often i feel so lethargic i don't want to do anything let alone go out. I have also tried writing which gives me some respite, but it's still tormenting me.

i know breaking up is a normal thing, but for some reason i just can't stop thinking about him every day, re-reading text messages or looking at photos..i've tried deleting things and throwing stuff away but so much reminds me of him..i'm running out of ideas.

[dancingdoc2]

There is no one way nor one good way; however, what worked for me and a few others I have recommended this to, it seems to help over time. It is not an instant fix.

You must change your mind every time thoughts of him pop into your head. When they do, quickly say to yourself, "do not bring him to mind in the future" and then immediately think of something else. You'll probably find in the beginning that you will be doing a lot of changing your mind, yet as the days and weeks progress, this will happen less and less and so to will he not be popping into your head nearly as much. Give this a three month try and if it is working, keep it up.

[uncreativename]

thank you, doc. I will give it a try.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Uncreative - your post sent up the red warning flags to me. I deduce that you thought you two were "in love" and separated for an extended period of time and that you forgot "out of sight out of mind" while lost in a "romantic haze" of contemplating your beloved up on his pedestal. Futurethinking of white picket fences and roses covered arbors.

No wonder he ran!!!
Are you 13?

NO relationship is one-sided. Each partner has their own burden to bear and yours would seem to be being unrealistic to an advanced degree. You have got to stop that. No more pedestals!!! In fact, the urge to put a man up on one means you're infatuated - only infatuated, because if you truly loved him, the idea of him being up there would strike you as hilarious!

Now get out there and date men properly this time!

[uncreativename]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Uncreative - your post sent up the red warning flags to me. I deduce that you thought you two were "in love" and separated for an extended period of time and that you forgot "out of sight out of mind" while lost in a "romantic haze" of contemplating your beloved up on his pedestal. Futurethinking of white picket fences and roses covered arbors.
No wonder he ran!!!
Are you 13?
not entirely sure what you're getting at..this is worded kind of confusingly..we separated because of the difficulties and because i know that we don't work as a couple and he cannot hack long-distance. by 'on a pedestal' i don't mean i was thinking of marrying him..but being idealistic about what had the potential to be a superb relationship at the beginning which just crashed and burned miserably with emotional ramifications.
he didn't run, it was a mutual agreement.
and no, i am not 13..i don't think that what i have said denotes immaturity to be frank.



NO relationship is one-sided. Each partner has their own burden to bear and yours would seem to be being unrealistic to an advanced degree. You have got to stop that. No more pedestals!!! In fact, the urge to put a man up on one means you're infatuated - only infatuated, because if you truly loved him, the idea of him being up there would strike you as hilarious!

Now get out there and date men properly this time!
what do you mean my burden is 'unrealistic to an advanced degree'? i think you might be interpreting what i have said differently to the way i perceive things..

HOWEVER, that said, you have hit on an important point..i think the point that needed bringing to a head....you are correct...it can't have been love because i disagreed with the person he stood for...intellectually we weren't on a par and morally he had some weird ideas which i didn't agree with.

the pedestal only exist because i am blinded by infatuation, giving rise to idealism.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Yes, pedestals are for statues; not for real people. So if you're ever inclined to put a man onto one - you know it is just infatuation and not the real deal. Knowing this should make thinking about him much less painful. Remember the incompatibility.

This is one reason why 'we' recommend dating as many people simultaneously as you can talk into it. So you can contrast and compare and find out what you need in your partner and which one suits you best. Doing this also has a tendency to stop you from rushing into things thinking you've found the right guy at last simply because you have so much to do and are having so much fun doing it!

[Ephemera]

Doc's right.

Hang out with friends. It's easy to fall into a habit of validating yourself emotionally when you're with someone. Your first step, after removing yourself from a relationship, is to find that same comfort in your friendships.

[ducktales]

Delete those pics and text messages. No sense dwelling on the past. Its over, get rid of the stuff that reminds you of him.

Hang out with your friends, let them tell you all the crap they hated about him. Most friends won't tell their friends what they really think of their gf or bf if they see you are happy, unless he's cheating on you or talking crap about you behind your back.

[goof'schik]

I think it's harder now, especially with a long distance relationship, with all the technology we have now. You can chat on a computer with that person, the other side of who knows where, and see them/they see you. Find a friend that you can give a box of all that stuff to. Emails, pictures (you may want them one day), ect and make a break. You have to make a promise to yourself not to contact them, not even an email. And if you get one from them, have someone else open and read it, if it's not a death in the family you must ignore it. Find something you love, and someone who loves you more than you love yourself.

[constantlylearning]

First of all, it is never easy PERIOD. You find yourself wanting to make things like
they used to be rewinding how great the good times were. The above posters
have given good advice but in the end it is hard and up to you.