will guys be fine with this idea

[chococat]

im 26, still a virgin, and in a 6 month relationship with a guy. I dont want to have sex until i get married or until i find the one who loves me unconditionally. I have never had sex before but he has. I told him about my belief, he seems ok with that. when we have some private time together, things were heated up and we made out a little bit. he has never pressing me to have sex with him but while we were making out, he kept whispering how much he wants to make love to me. all we did were making out and thats it because he doesnt want to hurt me. it hurts me seeing him holding himself back for me. i think he will be alright in a short time but in the long run, he wouldnt be satisfied. so people, especially guys, please tell me is it endurable for you guys not to have sex with the girl you are dating in a long period of time? will you leave her because she doesnt want to have sex with you? and if im not going to have sex, can making out satisfy him? should i give him a handjob or a blow job, ..........what can i do to make him happy with out having sex...please help...

[EvilEvilKitten]

Cat - handjobs and blowjobs ARE SEX. Manual sex and oral sex to be precise. In fact, making out could also be considered sex because that is part of foreplay which, along with petting and body worship, is a form of outercourse. So, yes you have been engaging in sex all along and are now just quibbling over details.

As to men leaving you? Yes, if he's a shallow bastard who values sex too much. Maybe, if he's a man who values sex to a decent degree but also values you. No, if he's a man who has no sex drive whatsoever or shares your, somewhat insecure, beliefs that sex should be saved up as a kind of reward for good behavior and only traded for a wedding ring.

Because frankly, sex isn't the issue, the issue is DO YOU VALUE YOURSELF - because men only value those women who do value themselves.

[lnt1103]

I"m not going to address the waiting issue because I gather from one of your previous posts that it may be more cultural/custom than anything else, and that in the end must be your own decision.

EEK makes a couple of valid points. A) There are plenty of ways you can satisfy a man without putting his penis in your vagina. B) At the end of the day this is about how much you value yourself and your beliefs, and how much he values and respects you.

You must decide what you want, and the 'right' man will be the one who understandingly and lovingly helps you achieve just that.

[DaBoss]

I personally would never wait for a female if she told me she would not have sex until marriage or unconditional love or whatever it is you said.

The thing I don't understnd is why don't people with these beliefs find others that maybe, I don't know, HAVE THE SAME BELIEFS? Are you telling me there aren't any men out there in your same religion or culture that have the same viewpoint as you? I don't see why you need to be with a man that wants to have sex but he needs to refrain from it just because you have a cultural restriction.

This is not an attack at the original poster, but you always hear these women that want to wait for marriage but don't take the time to actually find a man that believes the same thing. Is it because you have to have a man in your life regardless of how he feels about your views on sex? What's stopping you from staying single and finding a man that does want to wait?

Anyway, I saw a comment about communication but I think that's BS. What's to communicate? He needs to wait, forcefully have sex with you, or leave. Personally I choose the latter. A relationship without sex is a friendship. And I have plenty of friends already.

[CleverName]

Originally Posted by DaBoss

Anyway, I saw a comment about communication but I think that's BS. What's to communicate? He needs to wait, forcefully have sex with you, or leave. Personally I choose the latter.

No.... Forcefull sex is rape and is emotionally damaging. He definatly does not need to do that.

If you think rape is honestly going to solve any realtionship DaBoss, then you need to seek serious help.

If he repects your choices in life and if he is the right guy for you he will wait. I think it is good to stick to your beliefs but most importantly, just make sure they are YOUR beliefs, not those of the ones around you.

I don't really think its a good idea to wait, but thats my opinion. I mean, what if you got married and found out you are not sexually compatable? Then its a lifetime of bad unpleasing sex. Again, my opinion.

[EvilEvilKitten]

DaBoss does have a valid point - why not deliberately seek out a man who shares your beliefs!! That would make life much simpler for everyone. I am reminded of the Amish dating scene in the movie Witness where he and she sat on opposite ends of the porch swing sipping lemonade and not speaking to each other. If that is your ideal date, then find a man for whom that is also an ideal date.

But then - she's on here asking the question which leads me to believe that she is considering something else. She's dating and yet fears losing him. Insecurity is a terrible thing. Fear will control you to the point where you will sacrifice your beliefs to stave off some inpending imagined disaster. So you give him all and then he leaves you anyway because you two were basically incompatible anyway and then you feel like *** because you gave up your beliefs for a stupid fairy tale - teenage romantic love happily ever after. Remember that love does not demand sacrifice. Love exalts and exults even while it 'creeps in on little cat's feet'. Love abides. All else is infatuation.

YOU have to decide from the word go what your course in life is going to be. Focus upon achieving that instead of worrying about whether or not you'll lose some guy or other.

[dancingdoc2]

I remain conflicted by this dilemma. I've had it both ways and there are valid reasons to both positions--waiting and not. At the heart of your quandary is the definition of "sex". What do you mean by the term? It has been used both to describe all aspects of making out and/or intercourse.

If you are using the term as a way to describe making out whether it be Necking, perhaps moving onto Petting, to Heavy Petting, and ending with one of these levels--or, on to Foreplay which includes genital stimulation by hand and/or mouth, then this is quite a different definition than when used as a synonym for intercourse. Please tell us what you mean and what your limit of involvement is if not intercourse.

Waiting until the honeymoon which is Part 2 of the marriage ceremony in order to consummate the marriage is a very valid and worthwhile belief and position to uphold; so too is not waiting and having intercourse outside the bonds of marriage. As noted, good arguments can be made for each.

The world is a huge place. There are many cultures, religious, and, social ideologies that may be vastly different from what a person in some other part of the world values or considers their norm. As one example, consider those who live in the Bible Belt of America's heartland. Another example would be the cultural and religious beliefs of certain Middle Eastern societies. If your definition of the term means engaging in intercourse then you are in good company. If you mean waiting and not making out to one extent or another, then depending upon to what extent, your viewpoint is probably extreme and unrealistic.

Here are my arguments for and against waiting to have intercourse before saying "I do":

* Waiting-

If you could go back in time and read some of my early posts from years ago on this site, or before when I was a regular contributor on another Board now defunct, I advocated waiting until the honeymoon. Why? Because the very act of intercourse has more to do with emotions and the melding of two psyches than the physical pleasures involved. In other words, a great hand job mixed with oral stimulation in what I often refer to as the "dynamic duo" is vastly more pleasurable physically than intercourse. What intercourse does is to meld the psyches of the couple and bond them. The intense emotions and feelings only happens once and only with first intercourse that wedding night.

Once upon a time my childhood sweetheart and I did wait. It was expected and a moral value of the times. I'm glad we did. Our wedding night while far from going as dreamed was nonetheless awesome! both from an initial introduction to adult activities and from the joining of our two psyches for a moment in time. Subsequent relationships and a marriage years later were not as intense for each of those first times. Is first intercourse worth waiting to state: "I Do"? YES, if you want to experience the intense emotions, the physical pleasures associated with Part 2; and, the joining of two separate psyches, then I am all for waiting. This is a once in a lifetime experience I believe everybody should experience. As good and as fantastic as other first times later in life may be, The emotional intensity will never be as intense as it was for the very first time ever within the bonds of matrimony.

* Not Waiting-

Now, having made a case for waiting, why wait at all? Perhaps at the head of the list is the issue of sexual compatibility. Are the two of you going to be compatible? One way to find out and to work on it is to have intercourse before popping the question. Here is a partial list of questions and concerns to be addressed and worked on:

1. Moral and religious compatibility
2. Likes and dislikes regarding certain practices
3. Openness or willingness to trying new things
4.Whether one or the other of you is prudish to a fault
5. Concerns about overcoming potential and likely first time problems
6. Discovering deal breaker activities early on
7. Working on enjoying and "perfecting" sexual activities whatever they may be

Addressing the first two issues is more a matter of having lots of discussions before your dating becomes too serious.

Items 2, 3, & 4, go hand-in-hand. If one or the other person is too up tight about certain activities, then how flexible and willing is s/he to exploration? Not very? In all probability sexual compatibility will be a major stumbling block.

#5, addresses the desire to work out concerns for potential physical and/or attitude issues early on so that if any become (#6) deal breakers, a couple will know before committing to an engagement.

#7, makes a good argument for getting things right before the legality of a marriage. Is Performance Anxiety and/or Premature Ejaculation going to be bigger hurdles to overcome than what is considered typical? Learning to adjust to individual preferences regarding practices. Negotiating up front a frequency for making love that the two of you can live with. If these and other matters can be settled before marriage then there ought to be less stress and angst to what can already be a stressful situation immediately after the marriage when the two of you are working hard at adapting to each other in other non-sexual ways.

There is no one right solution to the quandary. A relationship is a partnership in which both individuals join together because of a desire to become better and to make a life better than the sum of its two parts. It is a cooperative venture. The answer lies in when the parties involved want to begin working on the solutions to all of this. What works for one couple may not work for another.

[lnt1103]

First I need to contextualize what I'm about to say by prefacing with the fact that I waited till I was 28 because I had planned on waiting till my wedding night. In the end I did NOT wait till my wedding, but I don't regret it (well I regret the guy it was with, but not the act itself, and I'm not going to get into the story of the guy). And here's why I stand by my decision:

I think at the end of the day, we need to allow for the fact that we're all HUMAN. Either choice is a very human one, and is obviously the right one for the person who makes it. In the end you must go with what your head, heart, and gut tell you. The night it happened, I felt I was ready, mostly because I was actually requesting it, and never before had it even entered my mind that it would happen before there was a wedding ring on my finger. But again, I'm HUMAN, so it MUST BE okay for me to have changed my mind. We MUST give ourselves that permission. And we OWE it to ourselves to stand up and demand that the person who becomes that big a part of our lives stand behind our decision and help us achieve the goals we seek.

We also, by the way, owe it to ourselves to forgive ourselves for the things we DO regret. In my experience, the most difficult forgiveness to come by, IN THE WORLD, is that of oneself. But if we can allow for our own humanness, we can also come to be able to forgive ourselves. Especially since it's all in the past, and at least in my case, the past can't even begin to hold a candle to the present, which I hope becomes the future.

[constantlylearning]

Doc, you make many good points in your reply. But all and all doesn't come
down to this---if you truly love someone and "waiting" is critical to her (male's
perspective) and what makes her happy and content then why wouldn't you?
Isn't it enough to sometimes simply take another person's feelings and desires
and put them at the forefront of the relationship?

[constantlylearning]

I must have posted very close to the sametime you were posting Int. I read your
post and could not agree more about the "regrets." Don't let what happened yesterday
prevent you from living today and tomorrow.