Trouble in Paradise...

[Zorbgoddess]

Ok, so I met a guy and we get along wonderfully. We've been going out for a short while now. Well... he's a pilot. [My father told me to never date a pilot because they have a woman in every town.] Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but lately it has become an issue. Right now he's away for months to advance his career (which is a good thing). Then he'll be somewhere else for a while... and after that flying out of an airport far away from here. I'm looking for long term commitment and not a come and go relationship. He said he's looking for the same thing, and that he'll visit when he can. I'm just really starting to doubt this will work out in the long run. My history with long-distance relationships is quite poor. I'm definitely an independent woman and can easily deal with not having a man in the picture. Maybe I'm just venting and thinking too much as I often does. Ending it now would be easier to deal with than later if I wait it out. I just don't want to ruin something that could turn out wonderfully in the end. Does anyone have any insight into the situation? Am I really just overreacting?

[constantlylearning]

Probably jumping the gun just a tad early. Maybe give the situation a little time
and see which direction things go. From your posts, your intelligence seems
to shine through in spades and that coupled with your independence probably
leads to want some control in situations including matters of the heart. (Of
course, I maybe off base but probably not). Do you see others during the long
seperations or this an exclusive type situation??

[dancingdoc2]

I am a pilot with a commercial license; however, I am only a "Sunday flier". I do not believe the adage that pilots, like sailors, have a girl in every (air)port. All the airline pilots I know are happily married and settled in for the long haul. You might want to consider whether or not you want to move with him or remain where you are. I wouldn't move unless or until you know what his intentions are longterm for himself and you.

It may just be that the demands of flight school and work leave little time for a home life at the moment, maybe not. The two of you should talk and tell each other what you want.

I agree that long distance relationships are difficult and require commitment from both parties. Short term they work yet ask any couple whose partner is in the service and away from home how life is and you'll get an education. If this is not something you are interested in doing then don't cave. Stick to your principles.

[Zorbgoddess]

Nah. I haven't been seeing anyone else. Until I figure out what is going on I'm not about to go screw around. I'm way too old to be pulling stunts like that. Even though the opportunity has come up several times I won't take the bait. Besides... opportunity is always there. Attracting guys was never hard for me. ...

Anyways... DancingDoc- Thank you so much for your input. It's really nice to know that my father was wrong when he said that. I wanted to believe it was just false speculation, but then again... my father is much older and wiser so I actually do listen to advice from my elders now and again.

It's still a new relationship so pushing too much future talk into things and it might jinx things, or set myself up for disappointment later. Right now I'm waiting it out anxiously to see how they pan out. That is what usually happened to me with relationships. I would let things progress naturally. When I would start talking about future activities (up to a year not 10) things would end up jinxed and I'd end up disappointed. So I'd look at as "oh well, his loss, he was just another notch in my belt anyhow.

For a long time I didn't realize guys could actually be emotional creatures and that's why they could walk away from the relationship so easily. With my recent ex I've learned a lot about myself and men in general. I've grown-up and am now trying to find someone with the same goals.

It's not easy getting back into the dating game more than six years after you left it. Playing the game is easy. Finding someone great and trying to read them well is much harder. I've talked as much as I felt comfortable with my new man about what I wanted in a relationship and asked what his plans were. Moving is no problem for me after next year. That part is fine. I've had the opportunity in the past to become an army wife. After realizing what it entailed I decided it'd be a bad idea. I just can't handle quite that much time away from the person frequently without slipping up somehow... or leaving it entirely. Plus, it's hard to get to know someone when you only get to spend a few days per month with them.

I've been kicking myself to not worry about it and relax, but I mentioned to a friend of mine and he told me it really is a big issue and I should decide now whether to proceed with the whole thing or leave well enough alone. Plus, it proves better to walk away before I get too emotionally attached to the person. so yeah... I was mostly venting before but I'm sooo glad you were able to give another perspective on the issue.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Forget the future talk entirely. Forget jinxes! PFFFT! Forget saying no to others who would like to date you. Why? Men value what requires work to get. Yes, they want relationships and are emotional beings - they are human. But until you are married, he, the pilot, is no more entitled than any other man you might be considering. So treat this lightly, with care and consideration for him but make him work a bit.

Because if this pilot wants you, he will have you come hell, high water, or the Fifth Fleet. He will move heaven and earth to get you.

Yes, your father wasn't quite right but his idea that you take a more "carefree" attitude is spot on.

BTW I'm over 50 and yeah, I play the game and do the stunts - the men seem to enjoy it too. *wink* Life is better if you don't take it too seriously and better the more you laugh!

[constantlylearning]

Men can definitely be emotional as well. I think it is difficult to generalize
or stereotype men or women simply because some acted one way or another.
Laughter is indeed some of the best medicine the world knows. So, maybe it is
simply better to take things as they come and see which path seems the
clearest to take.

[constantlylearning]

Independence is a great quality to have but is it a safeguard at times
to protect oneself from not getting hurt?? If it is something that you
feel deeply about (the relationship) isn't it worth giving it every chance
possible to work? Does it have to be a now or never scenario at this point?
Maybe just trying with each passing day to make the relationship better and
stronger as it grows will eventually allow it to evolve into what you want.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Giving a relationship every chance to work out does NOT mean that you join a nunnery. You continue your social round while being completely honest and open with your lovers. If despite all others, you still prefer your lover and he you, then you have a relationship and you move forward by becoming afiance'd. Exclusivity is for fiance's and spouses, unless otherwise negotiated.

[Zorbgoddess]

Originally Posted by constantlylearning

Independence is a great quality to have but is it a safeguard at times
to protect oneself from not getting hurt?? If it is something that you
feel deeply about (the relationship) isn't it worth giving it every chance
possible to work? Does it have to be a now or never scenario at this point?
Maybe just trying with each passing day to make the relationship better and
stronger as it grows will eventually allow it to evolve into what you want.

I do appreciate the advice. I've actually taken most of it to heart. It's not a matter of now or never. Not at all. Being hurt in relationships is something I'm used to dealing with and have hurt others along the way (live and learn). Dating is a bonus not a necessity and I've been up-front and honest with everyone. Right now the issue is how patient can I manage to be while other opportunities are constantly presenting themselves. Plus, I seem to be the one putting in the extra effort. If I were to not call or message who knows when I'd actually hear from him again. In the meantime I've been getting to know a couple other people as well (who live closer and call more often). It's been a very long time since I had to deal with a long-distance relationship. It really doesn't help that I barely see this guy (twice per month if I'm lucky), so getting to know him well is difficult. At least with prior long distance relationships... the relationship was set up before it became long distance...not during the beginning of it. Sometimes the whole thing just doesn't seem worth the stress. Things will work out in the end... they always do. In the meantime it's become a choice again on whether to settle for really good or keep working on a potentially really great relationship.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You can multi-task so do both!