How can I respectfully tell her...?

[Nicholas92]

Let me start this off by saying that I totally respect women. And there is no way I would ever PRESSURE my girlfriend into having sex..

So me and my girlfriend have been dating for 4 months now. We are both virgins but we do oral and stuff like that. Sometimes she says something like "I love you so much and I really do want to have sex with you. I feel like I am ready for it and I want you to be my first." But her grandma bought her a promise ring and made her promise when she was like 10 years old that she wouldnt have sex until marrige. So after that she says.."But I just cant. What if my grandma died? I would feel sooo bad.."(she respects everything her mom and grandma tell her by the way) Get this though, her grandma got married at 17!!! Ya she waited till marrige but only until 17. (we are both 16)

I have never pressured her to do anything. Actually she is usually the one that starts anything to begin with. And anytime we do anything I make sure to tell her that I appreciate everything that we do together and I dont take it for granted. I am more than happy to wait with this girl until she is really ready, but not for that reason. If it was just too soon or something that would be fine I understand. I just dont want a ring to disrupt the natural flow of our relationship..

Am I just being an ******* or what? Is there some way I could tell her respectfully that this whole ring thing is bull****? Or is it?

[lnt1103]

If there's any doubt in her mind (or yours for that matter!), for any reason, it's too soon. Give it time. It sounds cliche but you honestly will know without doubt when it's time.

Your point about age is a logical and a valid one, but hers about the ring is an emotional one, which makes it just as valid. I say this on the premise that there are no invalid feelings. It sounds to me like she's looking to you to reassure her of the validity of those feelings.

In the end, there should be no regrets about one's first.

[demonbuttercup]

I think you should both feel ready and not feel "guilty" b/c of other people. I mean she was 10 yrs old for pete's sake... she didn't really know what she was making a promise of. Plus, I mean don't bring this up b/c then she might stop everything all together...lol... but I mean you guys are already doing oral/hand stuff....so I am sure her grandma would freak out if she knew THAT much!!!!

And yes back in the day... it was normal for kids to marry at 17 18... so waiting for marriage wasn't that much of a wait... or they got married JUST so it was ok to have sex. Now a days.... we tend to want to finish school, get a good job... etc... before we decide to do the marriage/kid thing.... so then technically we'd all be virgins till like 25 yrs old, LOL.

4 months is still fairly new in the relationship as well... is this ya'll first "real" relationship? I would still just go along as you are until both parties really WANT to.

[TnL329]

i think that if she is using the ring and saying no cuz she made a promise not to, it is a CLEAR SIGN that she is not ready to have sex. And if that is the case you should really not push it at all. My experience is that once you think you are ready to go that far, wait 3 0r 4 months to go that far, and see what happens.

[Ephemera]

Actually, I think it's awful that her grandmother created such a promise with a ten year old girl, who obviously would not understand the implications of it.

Her grandmother shouldn't guilt your girlfriend or hold her accountable for anything she squeezed out of your girlfriend when she was ten.

[Nicholas92]

Originally Posted by demonbuttercup

4 months is still fairly new in the relationship as well... is this ya'll first "real" relationship? I would still just go along as you are until both parties really WANT to.

No, we have both had previos relationships. I consider them to be real.

[Nicholas92]

Originally Posted by Ephemera

Actually, I think it's awful that her grandmother created such a promise with a ten year old girl, who obviously would not understand the implications of it.

Her grandmother shouldn't guilt your girlfriend or hold her accountable for anything she squeezed out of your girlfriend when she was ten.

And I dont even think she knows that its bad, she just thinks she has to obey because she is an authoritive figure..Im NOT just trying to get laid here, I just want her to see that this is about when SHE is ready not her grandma.

I have some authority issues too so it really bugs me how she can let her grandmother controll her with a ring. Ill wait for my girlfriend to be ready, I would never pressure her. I just dont want to wait until my girlfriends grandma thinks shes ready.

Would it be wrong of me to tell her how I feel?

[Nicholas92]

Originally Posted by TnL329

i think that if she is using the ring and saying no cuz she made a promise not to, it is a CLEAR SIGN that she is not ready to have sex. And if that is the case you should really not push it at all. My experience is that once you think you are ready to go that far, wait 3 0r 4 months to go that far, and see what happens.

She never said "NO"....Because I never asked her. She brings these conversations up. She has actually told me she is ready. Like I said I would NEVER pressure her.

[Ducy]

Look, your not an *******. Actually your points to make a pretty strong arguement. She should never promise anything like that to anyone, especially at a young age. I mean at 10 people think sex is icky, but when your 16 thats all you can think and talk about. Really what you should do is have a discussion. Tell her that you respect her decision and you do think highly of her for having such respect but that the promises that were made at such a young age really are unfair (to her, not you but actually her) because she did not know everything. It was as if you made a person promise never to eat chocolate, yet they have never even had a whif of it. You cannot promise such a thing in a state of ignorance.

You should also point out that her grandmother is probably trying to protect her because she was at such a young age when she was married. I am sure that if your girlfriend were to have a mature conversation with her grandmother, she (her grandma) would realize that her grandaughter is old enough to make adult decisions, and wise enough to be safe about it. This very easily could lead to your girlfriend being "released" from her promise without breaking any rules.

Oh and one more thing, that whole what if my grandma died is just a hint of immaturity left because to really truly believe that breaking a promise to her grandma would kill her, especially with something that never has to be said and should only be known amongst you two is a bit ridiculous...IMHO.

[Nicholas92]

[QUOTE=Ducy;217842

Oh and one more thing, that whole what if my grandma died is just a hint of immaturity left because to really truly believe that breaking a promise to her grandma would kill her, especially with something that never has to be said and should only be known amongst you two is a bit ridiculous...IMHO.[/QUOTE]

No, I she meant if her grandma died as a result of something else she would feel like she had not honored the one big promise she had ever made to her grandma..Not her grandma dying as a direct result of the broken promise lol.

By the way thanks a whole lot to anybody who contributed to the answers of my questions...I was just wanting to make sure that I wasnt in the wrong about it, and wanted to make double sure before I decided to have a discussion with her. I appreciate it.