DATING--Rules: how to and how not to

[dancingdoc2]

I have written about dating a lot. Here I go, again:

Dating by its very nature and purpose is about finding Mr./Ms. Right and to do this means that we go out with lots of people in order to learn what humanity has to offer. Doing so makes it easier to determine when this person comes along, and, it develops recognition skills that help us determine what we like and do not like in a person, and what qualities are valuable. By dating lots of people (even at the same time) we expose ourselves to lots of likes, dislikes, quirks, interests, morals, values, goals, mannerisms, ideals, etc., et cetera, etc.

Dating is not all about stopping with the first warm body who comes along expressing an interest in us. It is not all about being exclusive with each other to the exclusion of all others--at least not until a long time later. Dating is about becoming closer to a person than is possible thru a casual friendship. By becoming "closer" you are then able to learn more about each other.

There should be no exclusivity until you and the other person are ready to settle down and marry. Until then, you can be kept busy with the relationship(s) you have with one or more people. Exclusivity with one person is not a guarantee that you will always have a date or be kept socially busy. By not being "exclusive", particularly during the teen years, eliminates much of the angst, drama, and trauma in relationships that a teen is not yet prepared to handle. The same can hold true for adults even though they should have matured having also developed better interpersonal coping skills.

By dating more than one person and at a time, you stand a much better chance of filling your social calendar, learning new things, and as noted above--exposing yourself to a variety of personalities that will help you determine when Mr. Right comes along.

Because dating by its very design is not and should not be exclusive, and there is no legal contract, there can be no "cheating". If when the time comes that you want exclusivity, then it is often implied long before by simply behaving toward one another like it is or has been. Your behaviors toward each other tell the tale. Until such time both people are free to date others should they choose. Until such time, devote lots of your dating activities deciding whether this person is marriage material, worthy of exclusivity, and only when you are ready to work on this aspect of your life make this commitment with each other.

[CleverName]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

By not being "exclusive", particularly during the teen years, eliminates much of the angst, drama, and trauma in relationships that a teen is not yet prepared to handle. The same can hold true for adults even though they should have matured having also developed better interpersonal coping skills.

In my experiance, not being "exclusive" during the teen years seems to create the problems you state. Most girls that age would probally be a little ticked if you told them you were dating other people too.

I understand this idea and think its great. However, I do not think most poeple would agree to such arangments, unless you wanted to keep it a secret, but that could cause major problems later on.

[lustforlove]

Originally Posted by CleverName

In my experiance, not being "exclusive" during the teen years seems to create the problems you state. Most girls that age would probally be a little ticked if you told them you were dating other people too.

I understand this idea and think its great. However, I do not think most poeple would agree to such arangments, unless you wanted to keep it a secret, but that could cause major problems later on.

I agree with what is said here, as a teenager myself with an exclusive boyfriend fro the past two years. It would be devistating to think that parhaps my boyfriend was also seeing somebody else.

However i do believe this may work if as you start dating sombody, you have a conversation about the matter, ask what both people think and then working from there. It may be difficulte though as there are alot of women (especialy of a teenage age) who only believe in being exclusive.

There are also problems with both teenage boys and girls on a maturity level. If a teenager does descide to live thelifestyle of being unexclusive, a nasty reputation tends to follow. This of course is not wright, as no one has the right to make these judgments but the lack of maturity from these people will make it inevitable and however mature a person thinks they are to be able to deal with this, they will still be find it very hard to have a healthy social life with people.

I would also like to say that you can still be exclusive and have a healthy social calendar, as not all social activities involve in dating. There are many people including myself who can hold down an exclusive relationship and have a full calender, because i also have alot of friends, and of course there is no reason why others can't live that way.

[Zorbgoddess]

Everyone seems to define "exclusivity" in slightly different ways. Married or just in there for the long term it's a matter of what both parties are willing to accept. High school is a pain to begin with. Rumors run extremely rampant... (even if you aren't sexually involved)and it's too easy to pick up a nasty reputation. Teenagers can be very cruel and overly dramatic. However, Dancing Doc is correct here on many levels. The more people you date the better off you are in figuring out what will work out for you in the long run. It actually ends up coming down to a)Deciding with the person(s) you are dating what their definition of cheating is and what both of you are willing to tolerate. and b)Not having sex with one or all of the people you are dating at the same time. It ends in disaster. Not only is it dangerous for your health but it leads to drama and consequences you may not be able to erase later. So yes... go out and date, and date often especially while you are young. Just make certain you are upfront and honest with the people you are dating. Life is short so live it to the fullest.

[lustforlove]

Yeah but i'm really young but i'm happy not to date around and just be with one person and he is with me. I dont see that being a bad thing, you can learn what you want with just one person surley, i know i have learnt alot the time i've been with my boyfriend and i'm sure he feels the same.

[constantlylearning]

Zorbo's (still no clue on the name--LOL) last statement is so so true.
"Live life to the fullest" (paraphrase)..........One never knows what is
around the next corner so why not enjoy every fleeting moment of
the journey. There probably is not set format on dating, relationships
etc. each individual situation is different.

[Zorbgoddess]

Originally Posted by lustforlove

Yeah but I'm really young but I'm happy not to date around and just be with one person and he is with me. I don't see that being a bad thing, you can learn what you want with just one person surely, i know i have learned a lot the time I've been with my boyfriend and I'm sure he feels the same.

No one is saying that dating only one person in high school is a bad thing. Actually I was saying earlier that for the most part it is a very good thing. Teenagers are very cruel and love to make up stupid rumors. Back when I was in high school (practically a decade ago) I remember telling one of my so-called friends that I knew a couple of twin males who had transfered over from our other city high school. By the next day it was all over school that I'd slept with both of them and mothered a child by one of them. I was still a virgin at the time and a freshman in high school.

Getting to know the ins and outs of a relationship while in high school is great beginners experience. All of the lessons that you learn from the drama involved will end up helping out greatly later on. So yes. Learn to be faithful, learn how to deal in an argument or when something is said that isn't true. Learn to deal with heartache while you still have years to get over the person. Please keep this in mind: Whatever you are feeling now may be real but is really intensified by hormones. You may think you know everything and are unstoppable now, but you'll learn otherwise as the years pass.

You will not be the same person at 21 than you were at 18. You won't be the same person at 25 that you were at 21. Your overall personality as an adult actually develops by your mid-twenties. Marrying your high school sweetheart (especially right out of high school) almost never works out in the long run.

Date more in college or after you get out of high school. That's where you will figure out what you can live with and what you can't. Trying to date in your late 20s is not easy, and when you are going into it with a couple of kids (from getting married too early) only makes dating more difficult.

It's also a bit of a headache when you are older and dating a guy who never went through relationship drama way back when. While you are expect certain things from your mate (how to deal properly with conflict or when to call you for example) they see it differently and you end up frustrated.

[constantlylearning]

I just reread the above post and (directly above) and this reply is really
spot on. Everything seems magnified and when it's a first. In other words,
as time goes on and you have more experiences and situations arise you
have experience to fall back on and say hey I have been through this before
and it isn't the end of the world.

[dreaded]

I have an advice.When youre Heart tells you 1 thing and your Mind tells another,before you decide to do anything.Find out 1st if you have a Better Heart or a Better Mind?






romantic

[Newtolove]

I think the probelm is people have a different deffinition of the twerms exscusive and dating, if your dating your "thrying out" after that presumable you "get together" and being exsclusive is implied...