Having trouble getting her to finish

[Midnight]

Hey all,

I have over the last couple of years, really been struggling to finish getting my wife to orgasm, although I can usually get her to have small orgasms about a third or so of the time.

Over time we have tried many different things from toys, to taking longer than our usual amount of time with foreplay, to having romantic evenings to get us in the mood (hard with a early teen child at home to find the time sometimes though), and I always feel like I am cheating her when I have gotten to that point and she is left wanting more and being unable to get there.

Sometimes it can even be that even after getting me out of the way, and then concentrating on just doing anything we can for her to try to get her there, we come to a point where she just cant cross that point.

On the other hand I have quite the opposite problem, and find myself cumming very quickly after penetration.


If anyone can give me any hints on what we can do to get things going a bit more successfully for us that would be much appreciated. One note that will most likely affect it to a point is the fact that my wife is 20 years my senior.

[sera300]

I assume the next question is can she orgasm on her own? If so, see how and mimic such. You cannot force her to orgasm, try extending the amount of foreplay until she in on the brink.

However, the part you left out is can she orgasm? Has she ever had an "earth-shattering" orgasm? If so how?

[Brandye]

Look around. This issue has been addressed many times. Especially look at the stickies under Pleasing Her.

About one-quarter of all women never, or rarely, experience orgasm. About the same number regularly experience orgasm through penetration and thrusting. That leaves half of us (inclucing myself) who require additional stimulation - oral or digital. Sera's question about doing it herself is very important. The most effective training for women to reach orgasm is masturbation. We learn what motions are most helpful and learn what we are moving towards.

There are also gyn's who specialize in sexual response (or lack thereof) in women. She can locate one through your family doctor or her present gyn if the doctor does not have this special interest. There are subtle physical anomalies that can get in the way - usually easily corrected. Short answer, then, is have her see a gyn who is most likely to be able to identify physical problems. Then, if cleared a qualified sex therapist can help.

I might add that some men are more interested in her response than she is. If she is interested in correcting this, it is possible. If she is satisfied with things as they are, not much will change.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Forget the toys, setting the mood, etc., etc., etc.
The reason she cannot might be in her head. What was she taught about sex? Has she learned to orgasm? Has she fully embraced and does she rejoice in her sexuality? If yes, then continue reading. If no, stop reading and please see a sex therapist.

So, what to do. Stop talking about it. Stop worrying about it.
Then see the sticky posts entitled The Program and Body Worship.
Allow at least 4 hours for this. When she's close to orgasm, maintain whatever you are doing at the time. She must at this point, relax everything, stop thinking entirely, breathe deeply and calmly, and let the feelings roll on through her. Then you must continue beyond the first orgasm. She must remain relaxed (if painful remember that this is a false signal transmitted by a brain unused to this level of stimulation - this will pass) and calm - breathe - ride the wave. Once she has learned, in effect, to orgasm and has gone on in the same session to have more than one - she will never be unable to orgasm again and she will also not experience that pain sensation either because her brain understands what's going on and is no longer confused.

Relax, Breathe, Let it roll. Do it again, baby!

[Midnight]

Originally Posted by sera300

I assume the next question is can she orgasm on her own? If so, see how and mimic such. You cannot force her to orgasm, try extending the amount of foreplay until she in on the brink.

However, the part you left out is can she orgasm? Has she ever had an "earth-shattering" orgasm? If so how?

To my knowledge she can't orgasm on her own. She tells me that she has tried, but can never get anywhere as it just doesn't feel real to her. And I can get her manually to the brink of an orgasm an then continue and she can orgasm.

To the second question, yes she can orgasm, both through manual manipulation (fingering, extreme sensitive foreplay etc), as well as through intercourse. But when it is through intercourse, it's either we get somewhere (and need towels) and she is left lightheaded and sometimes quite dizzy, or we get nowhere...

@ EEK, we have definitely tried the body worship stuff (we love the idea of massage being so much more than relaxation, and more good old fashion intimacy) but it would only work so often (despite doing it differently {or the same}) it was like her body was just getting used to it each time.

[EvilEvilKitten]

If she cannot masturbate to orgasm then a sex therapist would be a good idea.

Also having her body worship you may awaken something in her.

[dancingdoc2]

In the excellent replies, above, the main focus is on foreplay. I'd like to back up and ask how much time you are devoting to fooling around in general--Necking, Petting, Heavy Petting, all before Foreplay which then should include all of these. If you are not devoting at least half an hour to making out and are rushing to Foreplay, then I recommend changing tactics.

Next, most sexual positions do not place our respective pieces-parts in close constant contact sufficient to generate the necessary friction required to build our responses to the brink of a climax. What a loving, caring, compassionate, knowledgeable, skilled, lover should do is to reach around and finger his partner while stroking away. This is particularly important when using the Missionary position.

> To my knowledge she can't orgasm on her own. She tells me that she has tried, but can never get anywhere as it just doesn't feel real to her. And I can get her manually to the brink of an orgasm an then continue and she can orgasm.

It is critically important that she learn to masturbate. Because she can climax via your caresses, she has this hurdle half won. Each of us is responsible for our own orgasms. We cannot make a person climax, only help them to do this. I recommend the two of you reading the several articles listed in the Index about female orgasms and then the one giving a technique for how she can learn to masturbate.

Once she can do this reliably and consistently on her own she can then take your hand and guide your movements over the course of a few sessions until you learn to mimic her technique. Key to this is for her to give you feedback, verbal or non-verbal, on how she is responding to your caresses and for what she needs next. This is explained in one or more of the articles in the Index and in many threads. The same holds true for you with her.

More than likely if you put all these tips into play, she will become successful in a short time.

--BEGIN HERE--w/a Partial INDEX of Sex Info 101 Sex Ed. Topics

[unicorn]

Hi All
Im Midnights wife and thought I should try and explain things.

I was raised by old fashioned parents and the subject of sex was taboo and never spoke about.

It wasnt til about 10-15 years ago that I started to even think about self masturbation I have tried many times but I like the added stimulation of another person to assist. I like the touch and feel of another person (male). I have tried lots of things to get me there from fantasies, toys the XXX DVDs.

I have always been hard to get to orgasm so its not something that is new to Midnight. Although I get a lot more regularly that I ever did with my other partners.

I already do body worship on Midnight and enjoy it. I am willing to try anything to help us with this problem. I have even gone and purchased some ginkgo biloba today to see if that helps. If it doesn’t I will go to our local family planning centre as I don’t think we have sex therapists in Tas. Family planning will at least point me in the right direction or I hope they will.

I think some of it is due to the age difference and the fact that I am not totally comfortable having someone want to see me naked (again due to past experiences) I am working on this with Midnight and we talk about everything so that he can try and understand my feelings which he usually is good at doing.
Midnight is aware of my pass having had an abusive husband both mental and physical to the extent that I had a break down at the age of 22 and I suspect that this goes a small way to my problem.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Abuse has a major impact - it rips the living heart out of you - so yes, you're right. You do nned to talk with a pro about this. The only thing I know about counseling those who had been abused is to say:

it is not your fault.

[unicorn]

I have had counseling if I hadn't I don't think I would be a functioning person of society now. It has left scares that I don't think will ever go away its just matter of learning new ways and midnights being patient (which he is).

It took me many years to realise that it wasnt my fault but I do know that it wasnt my fault. Many years of being told that I am worth being loved and wanted.