Advice needed for anxiety

[fassol]

I'll start by stating that I usually have some pretty bad luck with women. I tend to attract ones that have severe emotional issues that are unable to give love or are completely scared by their emotions. Which has led to me getting my heart broken a few times. I started seeing a new girl about 3 weeks ago and things are going really well. We hit it off right away and have already told our friends about each other etc...

I have been feeling very anxious lately which has also been adversely affecting my ability to maintain erections when we fool around. We haven't had sex yet but we've been exploring each others body's (for literally hours on end). I think it may be a little bit of performance anxiety because I am still a virgin (and she knows this and is ok with it). I have done everything else regarding foreplay with other women, I've just never had intercourse with any of them. I think I may be a little afraid of getting hurt again because of how much I like her. Which doesn't help the anxiety either.

I'm just wondering is this fairly normal to feel anxious at the beginning of a relationship with someone you really like (I'm not a jealous type or possessive or anything)? Especially considering that you're a virgin about to have sexual intercourse in the near future? I end up having the opposite problem of premature ejaculation in the bedroom with her; where she can't get me to climax and my erection comes and goes. I think she understands what may be going on because when it happens I'll get her to stop pleasuring me and I'll focus on her for a while. Which by the way, she tells me I give the greatest head she's ever had and I've brought her to multiple climax's. I just really want her to feel good about being able to bring me off too and I want to relax and just have fun so that our relationship has a good chance of working. Any suggestions?

EDIT: My apologies for the sloppy post before I looked around the board for many great answers by dancingdoc2 to the same question I have. I just have to quit worrying or my performance anxiety will only get worse! (easier said than done though).

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by fassol

I looked around the board for many great answers by dancingdoc2 to the same question I have. I just have to quit worrying or my performance anxiety will only get worse! (easier said than done though).

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating.

You've answered your concern. If in fact you are just worrying about all these things then the simple answer is not so simple to accomplish--stop worrying and fretting. Once you can do this then the performance issues should return to normal. You can check this out because if you can get and maintain an erection when home alone and then masturbate without problems then you can perform well for her, also, when you clear your head of all the garbage.

If and when your girlfriend compliments you in whatever way, latch on to these words and believe in them. Get rid of any negative or counterproductive thoughts to the contrary.

If she is willing to work with you on these issues then what you ought to do is read this article on Premature Ejaculation and practice the exercise in it. Why? Two reasons: first, it will build your confidence; second, it will train you to recognize when you are about to climax and give you better control early on so if and when you get the urge to climax before you want to you'll have the skills to sidetrack the climax.

Just do the exercise when you are not planning to become romantic and then understand that while you are learning to make the associations mistakes will occasionally happen and you will climax before you want to anyway. Just laugh them off and continue on. By doing the exercises during a neutral time, you can "practice" and this should eliminate the script in your head that says you must perform flawlessly all the while knowing you might not be able to. Working on the exercise with your girlfriend should do wonders for your self esteem and confidence.

Give all this a try and feel free to ask additional questions when they come to mind.

[sera300]

Fassol:

Sounds like you have an underlying matter "fear of impending doom". Anxiety is also an indication with depression.

Let go and have fun.

[fassol]

Thanks for the reply sera and doc2!

I think you are both right. I can get an erection and maintain it when I'm solo. For a while there I was scared I could not even do that. But today I started masturbating and nothing was happening and I was getting worried. But then I calmed my nerves by relaxing and taking deep breaths and then thinking about the positive things that my girlfriend said to me/about me when we were fooling around (like doc2 suggested) and it sprang to life and I was able to masturbate to climax just as before. Which made me sigh with relief after I did that and I'm in a much better mood. hehe.

So I know I can perform just as soon as I can just relax and have fun and clear all the **** from between my ears.

Also, I think sera hit a nail on the head. I do have a fear of impending doom. And with that I also need to just forget about the possibility of the relationship not working and just enjoy myself and also her company when we are together.

I don't know how much our age matters, but just for info sake I'm 24 and she's 27. She's a nurse and works mostly night shifts and then sleeps till 4 pm when she gets off at 7 am. She lives close to my office and I was thinking of taking a late lunch around 1 and then sneaking into her place and waking her up for some surprise fun and then letting her sleep again. For any girls reading, would you think this would be well received? Or should I wait longer before doing this sort of thing?

[dancingdoc2]

Speaking on behalf of myself and from the experiences I've had, waking someone up in the middle of their sleep is not a cool thing to do. Getting back to sleep may be difficult and then they only have a partial "night's" sleep. Better me thinks to get to her house just before she goes to bed or just after she awakes. Even better, do not surprise her unless you know how she is likely to respond. As for sneaking in, I wouldn't do it even if you have a key. Waking up from a deep sleep to find someone unexpected in her room could send her into a panic. This is the last thing you want.

You have a great idea there and I'm not saying not to do it, yet I would not do it without a lot of research and time in grade as her boyfriend.

[fassol]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

Speaking on behalf of myself and from the experiences I've had, waking someone up in the middle of their sleep is not a cool thing to do. Getting back to sleep may be difficult and then they only have a partial "night's" sleep. Better me thinks to get to her house just before she goes to bed or just after she awakes. Even better, do not surprise her unless you know how she is likely to respond. As for sneaking in, I wouldn't do it even if you have a key. Waking up from a deep sleep to find someone unexpected in her room could send her into a panic. This is the last thing you want.

You have a great idea there and I'm not saying not to do it, yet I would not do it without a lot of research and time in grade as her boyfriend.

Ok! Thanks a lot doc2! I'll wait a bit and maybe even bring it up during a conversation to see how she would respond before I follow through with it or something like it. I got the idea when she told me a story about how her last boyfriend would sneak into her room during a nap and wake her up for some fun. But that said, it was a nap and he was already in the house. The last thing I would want to do is make her think I'm a burgler and scare the crap outta her. That would spoil the mood and the surprise and possibly leave her thinking I'm weird. haha. I'll hold off for a bit.

[sera300]

Dearest...don't disturb a nurse during sleep time! Especially those which work nights! Sneaking in her house even with a key? Not a good move...never know who "packs" or may startle out of fear. I know if someone entered with out announcing might be in for a surprise--one not welcomed although their intent may be well intended. Many "lock & load" or can be very grumpy.

Furthermore, sleep for night shift & nurses is essential--keeps critical errors from happening while caring for a patient. We need our sleep.

[fassol]

Originally Posted by sera300

Dearest...don't disturb a nurse during sleep time! Especially those which work nights! Sneaking in her house even with a key? Not a good move...never know who "packs" or may startle out of fear. I know if someone entered with out announcing might be in for a surprise--one not welcomed although their intent may be well intended. Many "lock & load" or can be very grumpy.

Furthermore, sleep for night shift & nurses is essential--keeps critical errors from happening while caring for a patient. We need our sleep.

LOL

Ok. That's very logical. I know she doesn't have a gun so I wouldn't have to worry about that. But none the less, I still don't want her to freak out after being shook awake out of a deep sleep. Cause I know she's a deep sleeper and I can definitely imagine it going wrong. This past weekend I slept over both times and half way through the night I would wake up and then start caressing her to discover that she was awake too. She would great me with a soft "hellooo!" and a smile. And we would start up our session of fun all over again. I think we both got about an accumulative 4 to 5 hours of sleep over both nights. She was receptive to those mid-night sessions. So I was unsure about my idea. But I think you both are right, that it probably wouldn't pan out as romantic as it seemed in my head.

I'm really liking the advice here. Kudos to all the professional quality advice from some of the senior members on the board! Especially from what I've seen from the two that have replied here and others such as Brandye! I think I will like it here. Sex is something I love to continually learn about and get better at.

[sera300]

During your sleep over time--realize her body is still accustomed to being awake at night. I was the most miserable "thing" when "mandated" years ago to work night shift as a nurse in an ER/ICU! Ughh...glad those are long over! Now I just take call & get all the "silly calls" at night when another NP or a MD wishes off! Those will end in a year or so though...I think! LOL!

Let he get her beauty rest and brain re-cooperation! Helps save lives--her and the patients! Good luck to you & enjoy your time together!

[fassol]

Originally Posted by sera300

During your sleep over time--realize her body is still accustomed to being awake at night. I was the most miserable "thing" when "mandated" years ago to work night shift as a nurse in an ER/ICU! Ughh...glad those are long over! Now I just take call & get all the "silly calls" at night when another NP or a MD wishes off! Those will end in a year or so though...I think! LOL!

Let he get her beauty rest and brain re-cooperation! Helps save lives--her and the patients! Good luck to you & enjoy your time together!

Yeah, she works on a rotational schedule of 3 days on, 2 off, 3 on, then 6 off. This weekend was in the middle of a 6 off rotation. And she was able to sleep lots on Sunday during the day before her night shift started at 7:30 pm. Saturday night she made a comment that she needed to get to bed and so I was thinking "ok she's tired and has a night shift tomorrow, so I better go and let her sleep". And was about to say "alrighty, well I'll let you sleep". And she looked at me and said "where are you going?...I need a sleeping buddy!" And then winked.

I said "well don't you need your rest?"

To which she said "Nah. I have all day to sleep tomorrow before my night shift".

She works in pediatrics. So it's definitely important for her to get lots of sleep!

Thanks for the well wishes! I feel really lucky that I met her.