I would like to be more then friends...

[Cherry Cheesecake]

Ok, I'll try to keep this brief. I have been friends with this girl for almost a year now, and this entire time, she has had a boyfriend, they have been together around 2 years. Lately, we have been talking and seeing each other a lot more and I found myself developing feelings for her beyond friendship. We have very similar interests and personalities and we always have fun together. One night we were chatting online kind of late and she admitted that she had a bit of a crush on me, and I told her the same. A few days later, I renewed this and told her that it was more then just a little crush.

She feels bad about this because of her boyfriend. The guy is a real ass, he never pays her any attention except when he needs something from her, he has hurt her on a number of occasions, and gets angry when she doesn't fill his sexual needs, not caring about her feelings. It chews me up inside that she would choose to stay with this ass and let herself go through this stuff when she deserves somebody that will treat her well and appreciate her like the treasure that she is. I don't know if it is just that she does not want to gamble on me, or if she is just too afraid to end such a long relationship. Her dating both of us is out of the question for her, and I would not like it either. Even before I developed such strong feelings for her, I thought she needed to cut this guy loose, but now it's harder for me to tell her because I don't want her to think I am simply trying to benefit myself. All I want is for her to be happy, and I think that we would be happy together, but how do I broach such a risky subject without jeapordizing our friendship? She is one of my best friends and I would hate for her to not want to be my friend anymore.

I guess I'm just not sure how to convince her that she would be better off with a man that appreciates her and would do anything for her happiness instead of this jackass. Any advice?

[Ephemera]

Be her friend (nothing more), support her, and encourage her to stand up for herself when her girl friend is an *******. But stay out of it.

Both of you are flirting on the edges of something you don't want. Let her grow out of him in her own time.

[sera300]

CC:

Be certain what you have are feelings for is her, for a woman, not a deep friendship. I think the real questions you have to look at, yourself, are you bi or gay, do you find the thought of having sex with a woman a turn on in real life or not? You may find your friendship is a deep admiration of the other and you are in the rescue mode & clinging to each other emotionally.

Think things through; however, use extreme caution on jeopardizing a good friendship.

[Cherry Cheesecake]

Eph, that has been my stand all along...I just really hate seeing her so unhappy at times because of him and really wish she would realize that she would be better off without him.

sera.....ummmm what? I think that you may have me mistaken for somebody else...because you're post sounds as though you believe me to be a woman...even though the last sentence of my post speaks otherwise...

[sera300]

Originally Posted by Cherry Cheesecake

Eph, that has been my stand all along...I just really hate seeing her so unhappy at times because of him and really wish she would realize that she would be better off without him.

sera.....ummmm what? I think that you may have me mistaken for somebody else...because you're post sounds as though you believe me to be a woman...even though the last sentence of my post speaks otherwise...

For some reason I read you post as yes; you are a woman...sorry for the misconception. Misread the end of your post--it's interpretable; best of with a man who is deserving thought you were stating you were a female & she should pursue a worthy man. However, you are most correct given your CC; thought you were a female substitute. Posting leads to misinterpretation of language--my bad. I did not see where you stated I am a man!

[emilie]

Ok, I'll try to keep this brief. I have been friends with this girl for almost a year now, and this entire time, she has had a boyfriend, they have been together around 2 years. Lately, we have been talking and seeing each other a lot more and I found myself developing feelings for her beyond friendship. We have very similar interests and personalities and we always have fun together. One night we were chatting online kind of late and she admitted that she had a bit of a crush on me, and I told her the same. A few days later, I renewed this and told her that it was more then just a little crush.

Nothing wrong with that. Just make sure you don't take it to the next level while she has a boyfriend. Red flags everywhere about the both of you if you do that.

She feels bad about this because of her boyfriend. The guy is a real ass, he never pays her any attention except when he needs something from her, he has hurt her on a number of occasions, and gets angry when she doesn't fill his sexual needs, not caring about her feelings. It chews me up inside that she would choose to stay with this ass and let herself go through this stuff when she deserves somebody that will treat her well and appreciate her like the treasure that she is.

She puts up with this?? Does she have foot prints running up her back? You WANT to date a woman that will allow herself to be treated like this while 'mr dependable' is waiting on the sidelines mopping up all the tears?

I don't know if it is just that she does not want to gamble on me, or if she is just too afraid to end such a long relationship. Her dating both of us is out of the question for her, and I would not like it either. Even before I developed such strong feelings for her, I thought she needed to cut this guy loose, but now it's harder for me to tell her because I don't want her to think I am simply trying to benefit myself.

Her own low feeling of self worth keep her in this relationship.
Either she thinks 1. she's not good enough for you 2. you turn out just like him if you got together or 3. she doesn't view you 'like that' and is just using you as an emotional tampon.

Look, you REALLY need to put your foot down.
Tell her that you want a relationship. Tell her that you want her to break up with the other guy. Tell her she's being a doormat, that that kind of relationship isn't healthy.
If she doesn't dump him, you need to run in the other direction...for your own sanity.

[EvilEvilKitten]

What emilie said!

Time for her to step up or step off.

Tell her "Enough! I do not want to hear anything more about this lout of man you're set up with. He was your choice and it is up to you to decide what to do about him. He's your problem. Deal with it."

Tell her while ferociously bearhugging her after you have delivered the above statement "I am the man for you but I am NOT taking second place in your life to anyone. If you want me, you're going to have make the choice to be with me." Then a nice 'no holds barred' kiss. Then let her go, turn around and walk away while saying over shoulder back to her "You have my number."

Do NOT answer her first call. Listen to the message she leaves for you and then decide to call her but base that on whether or not she's bf-less. If she's still with him - then do not call her back.