need some input

[rlgates]

ok, going to have to make this long winded..

Me and my girlfriend have been dating sence last July. She has a wonderfull little girl that I am nuts over. Both of them are the light of my life. The last year has been the best of my life! OK OK, I know, anyway moving on.


Her babys dad has not been in her kids life for, well, lets say, 3 months after he got her knocked up. She carried, rased, and have supported her self and her child on her own for almost 3 years now. About a week or so ago, he EX, the father, IMed her on yahoo saying he wanted to be part of her and the girls lifes now. Let me tell you about this person:

He has at least 2 other kids, only one of them was with his ex wife. To who he was still married when we was with my GF. He has stolen laptop from my girlfriends father, who works for FEMA and it was a Goverment owned PC to boot, still says he did not do it. Told her that he has been fixed so it was safe not to use a rubber, guess what.....

Now, the bulk of what has happaned is this.. He has had her followed by a PI for almost 3 weeks. He knows were she lives, were she works. Told her over the phone, when she was with me at my place that he WILL have her back, and will do ANYTHING to make it happan. He did not stop calling her all night last saturday night or sunday. The word stoker comes to mind here.

Here is were I dont know what to do. I told kelly, that my GFs name, that I will stick by her and help her. The last thing she needs in her life is this assbag! But, he has bitch and screamed that, if he does not get what he wants, which is her and in the kids life as daddy, he will take her to court and take the kid from her! Now, I have told her that, any court in the world is going to look this the ass, and be ROFL in 3 min or less!! She is so out of her mind with fear right now, that yeasterday, she told me she wants to put a hold on our relationship to think about what she is going to do. I mean GOD, what is there to think about????

I dont know what to do...the last thing I want is to loss her. I have been so put out over this, all of this that I have not spoken to her in the last 24 hours and have taking to day and Tuesday off from work to try and deal with this. I know, sounds like I am over acting it, but, just last month we had started talking about making our relationship longterm.. I just dont know what to do. I am beside myself.

Anyone have any tips or help for me?
I know this is a place for sexhelp, but I dont know were else to go for relationship help right now

[Cherry Cheesecake]

First off, unless she is an unfit mother, she does not have to worry about having her child taken away from her, especially from a guy that chose not to be a part of his child's life for years. Sounds to me like what she really needs is a restraining order on this guy and then to move on with her life. There isn't really a lot that you can do except support her in any way she needs you to, this is really her matter to deal with. Support her as best you can, but don't try to tell her what to do, it will only make you look more like this assbag that you say she doesn't need in her life.

[sera300]

Okay, so he wanted to see if he has a child by her & found he does--legally he has a right to have her 'tailed' by a PI. Now, check the laws in your state and see if you have a putative father registry: http://www.putativefather.org/

Now you sit back and let all this absorb in to her brain. If you both decide to follow your relationship, who is the father on the birth certificate? Okay, next, they go to family court and he has to back pay 3 years of child support first and continue until the age of 18+ just to have occasional rights to see the child, meaning alternate weekends and once a week done with the wife present. Now, do you think she is going for that? NO!

Next, have her sever all contact w/him, get to an attorney if he keeps this up, and get a Temporary Order of Protection. And you might as well stay w/her then too if she lives alone. If she is with her family, her family needs to step in here.

Currently assuming his name is not on the Birth Certificate, has not paid for the child, acknowledged this to be his, AND HAS SEX WITH A WOMAN & DID NOT REPORT IT TO THE REGISTRY, he has no child by her. He has to go to family court, pay an attorney, back pay, explain why now after 3 years, and seek a DNA test. He best hope he is not stalking her since the judge will intervene. Think he will do this with a wife????

If you g/f resides with her parents? Time for her dad to talk that "his daughter has a problem" and chat with this guy....

[sera300]

FYI: When your g/f contacts you...tell her to sever all contact w/this guy as far as admitting he is the bio father or not, change accounts, and if he continues, she just needs to say "take me to court & let the judge decide".

Family Court will look at the entire scope and examine everything...the end question is ultimately "What is in the Child's best interest?" May not be a deadbeat dad who comes around after 3 years. She must stay above board with who goes in & out of her home. This is not a child born to his marriage or did he make any attempts to help her out.

[rlgates]

sera300:

have her sever all contact w/him, get to an attorney if he keeps this up, and get a Temporary Order of Protection. And you might as well stay w/her then too if she lives alone. If she is with her family, her family needs to step in here.

I have told her that. Yes, she does live with her family, but has NOT told them all of what has happaned. They know that she spoke to him on yahoo last week, but not that she has called him by phone. Reason, if they know, her ass is on the street!

who is the father on the birth certificate?

He is not on it! Seen it with my own eyes.

FYI: When your g/f contacts you...tell her to sever all contact w/this guy as far as admitting he is the bio father or not, change accounts, and if he continues, she just needs to say "take me to court & let the judge decide".

Family Court will look at the entire scope and examine everything...the end question is ultimately "What is in the Child's best interest?" May not be a deadbeat dad who comes around after 3 years. She must stay above board with who goes in & out of her home. This is not a child born to his marriage or did he make any attempts to help her out.

I have told her this, god, 5 times in the last two days..everytime she has said she doesnt know what to do, I have told her that. The bastard has no case, for a single mother, she has done a great, no OUT OF THIS WORLD JOB raseing her child.

But, she for some reason, feels that she owes to him to let him be part of the little girls life. WHY? Can somone please explain this to me? I am trying to help her. All of her friends have said what has been said here, tell him to get lost! Why cant she get the clue?

Also, should I call her folks when she is at work and speak to them about this?

[sera300]

I would not tell her parents unless you believe she & her child is in danger--death threats etc. Speaking to him on the phone; there is nothing to talk to him about. I would stay out of this for awhile until she thinks this through. One thing you have to keep in mind no matter how difficult; this is her daughter conceived with him--I am sorry to say that.

As far as the birth certificate, if she did name him & did nothing to take him to court, she is letting him back in; however, by listing his name on the certificate once in front of the judge, it may not be favorable to either parent. Generally, you list John Doe or unknown.

She needs an attorney since if he hired a PI [certified] he is pursuing this through all legal channels. Attempting to placate him without a courts intervention will backfire on her; she needs to tell her parents--no way around this.

Legally: Any time a man engages in intercourse with a woman he is not married to he had a legal obligation to call the putative father registry. I know this sounds absurd but it is the law & safeguards all parties.

If his current wife is willing to accept the child [one not born to their marriage] they have that right as a couple in Family Court. Again, best interest of a child & which is the best household of stability. The courts will demand psychological evals by all involved; the daughter included and up until the age of 14, a child is at the will of the court for custody.

Putting aside what he did--stealing, etc. If there was nothing done legally, it does not exist, meaning it is "hear-say". If he has a record [criminal] there is a different story [assuming she has a clean one] and both of her parents can provide her & her daughter with the most stable household. If he is clean on record [skip the number of children he has], if he can demonstrate he & his wife can care financially, emotionally, love, and raise the daughter best, they will get custody and she will get visitation rights. All courts try to keep both parents involved in the child's life when they are not wed or if the child was not born within wedlock. If she "looks" like a woman who has boyfriends involved in her daughter's life, unwed, resides with the parents and is not self-sufficient and they can demonstrate they [the guy & his wife]are the best/stable home they win.

Now, if she feels fearful of him she would have never had any contact with him--the phone call & trust me he taped it. She would have fled if she feared him or taken out an TOP [Temporary Order of Protection]. She I think is seeking to be part of his life; with the hopes he will leave the wife & do the right thing for her & her daughter. If she has not asked for child support there should have been no further contact with him --EVER.

Step away, if you do speak with her encourage her to tell her parents. Much like getting pregnant, it cannot be hidden. She shoudl not hide this either out of fear of her parents, they will find out. Especially when she is 'served' at home to attend Family Court.

Now, since she did not ask for support for her daughter she is overriding all which has been kept quiet. The only end is the Family Court unless he stops. Ask for a TOP? You go to Family Court since it's the court of jurisdiction and a trial is also set--the courts get involved because they share a child in common.

Best off if she just put father deceased on the Birth Certificate/unknown or John Doe.

At the rate a certified PI charges, he is serious. Allowing him to see the daughter prior to any attorney and court intervention is bad news. One-it demonstrates a pattern of behavior and Two-if he takes off with her [the daughter] it's his word against her's. When he is found, the name on the birth certificate will come out, the calls, IM, PI report, and he will say "Oh, see we spoke and met--she told me I could take her for a month" and then who is believable? Furthermore, his father or such works for FEMA; they have ways of fixing their own matters not to disgrace but to make him out as a hero.

What you have posted about his background is what you have been told. Again hear-say. Encourage her to talk to her parents; step aside. You have to.

[arutha]

What happens if I don’t register with the Putative Father Registry? Or if I don’t establish paternity?
If you do not register with the Putative Father Registry within 30 days of child’s birth, or if you do register but do not start legal proceedings to establish paternity within 30 days after that, the following may happen:
• The court may rule that you have waived your rights, and permanently terminate your parental rights without notice; and
• Your child may be permanently adopted without your consent.

Source.

If that is the case, and the child is 3 years old then it doesn't look like there is much to worry about.. All I'd be doing is trying to get him out of my life completely, first she needs to tell him she wants nothing to do with him, then failing that threaten a restraining order (just the threat may make him back off) and finally go through with it.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by arutha

Source.

If that is the case, and the child is 3 years old then it doesn't look like there is much to worry about.. All I'd be doing is trying to get him out of my life completely, first she needs to tell him she wants nothing to do with him, then failing that threaten a restraining order (just the threat may make him back off) and finally go through with it.

She established paternity through placing his name on the Birth certificate as "father". It's a door to be left open.

Restraining orders can also backfire and cause additional anger. If one gets a TOP or POP [Temporary or Permanent...Order of Protection] you still must go to family court!

Look up the matter in your states laws.

[EvilEvilKitten]

She feels some obligation to him because she's being a CHILD!

The truth is SHE'S A MOTHER NOW and that child is her FIRST and ONLY PRIORITY, period.

This man has absolutely no damn business coming back - he blew his chance to be daddy back then. Too bad for him. Kick him to the curb. He is not worth her or her child's time.

TELL THE ENTIRE WORLD WHAT HE'S DOING. Stop people in the street and tell them. Call the cops when he calls or IMs, report him for harassment each and every time, give him the works! Tell her parents, your parents, the parents of your next door neighbor. And all of their cousins as well. Go for it!!

Why? Because silence lets people get away with this nonsense.

Ask her if she'd be happy losing this child - then tell her to shut up whining about the 'daddy' and FIGHT for her daughter!

[sera300]

I do not disagree with you; however two parts are significant. 1-He did hire a PI and is going through with his threats to see his daughter. 2-He is lying and is stalking. Stalking is tough since there are three different types: A)Vengeful. B) Obsessive. C) Delusional.

Unfortunately if the latter, the cops are only good for crime scenes after a spree. If this Op cuts her off through overt actions she will cut him off as a confidant. For some odd reason her bio. father yields power over her. Have to see why. Only true protection are those men who will stand up for you regardless of the consequences of their actions. Most of these 'matters' are well-dealt with behind closed doors--deals much like politics.

Her parents must know what she is doing but why she is seeing it's okay to communicate with him makes me wonder what goes on in the home. Placing a current b/f in harms way while she may run off with the other one can cause him harm for trying to publicly announce the issue. Really do not want to traumatize the young daughter...Best off with grandparents until "Mom" gets it together. If you want to risk it go to her parents; realize this may push her & her daughter out of the house & closer to the other guy. Depends on the family dynamics and stability.

I found, too often when such matters occur those is the streets become silent. However, as you know, my matter is different. Just received another unintended consequence of my speaking up in court...I get to go to a new one!