It's been a while...

[amethyst exchange]

It's been awhile since I've been in a relationship...of any kind...at least five years...probably more depending on how you measure those sorts of things. In the intermediate time, I've been alone, mostly. After my last relationship, I kind of decided, I wasn't going to get attached to anyone ever again. I locked as much of that part of me away and buried it deep down.

Anyways...over the last few months I met this woman...and I'm finding that I'm...becoming kind of attached to her. I just don't know what to do. I mean I know what to 'do', I just can't. I think she's noticed me as well. She's been trying to get closer...but I keep pushing her away, because I'm afraid of wanting to be with someone. I don't want to desire someone again...but I can't deny that part of me really really wants to be with her. I don't want to be a manipulator or to be manipulated anymore, though. I want to be left alone...but...even I can't say that the loneliness doesn't hurt, nor can I say that my time alone has been happy...and she makes me laugh adn stuff...but I can't help but think that those feelings...my desires...are wrong.

I guess, I'm kind of a mess...(which is another reason I keep pushing her away...I don't want to subject her to the 'real' me...whose the psychological equivalent of an uncontained nuclear explosion...followed by radioactive quicksand).

I just don't know what to do...

[sera300]

See a psychiatrist to see what you have to work through and just be friends with her. Sort of an odd dichotomy but talk with a pro.

[Brandye]

The inabilityto "attach" can make for a very lonely life. It can also lead to depression and all sorts of bad things. See a councellor and get out of that rut.

[amethyst exchange]

Originally Posted by Brandye

The inabilityto "attach" can make for a very lonely life. It can also lead to depression and all sorts of bad things. See a councellor and get out of that rut.

I tried going to a counsellor...I don't think she was very good though...actually I found out she was rather...unqualified...(I mean it was a school (college) counselor so maybe I shouldn't have expected a whole lot...). The problem I have is that I don't want to open up to anyone...because well I don't want them to judge me (and I know counsellors aren't supposed to judge but we all know that is humanly impossible)...I mean the only reason I went to the college counsellor was because I was Gestapo-ed there...after a rather sad half-hearted attempt to 'stop' being.

I just can't help but feel like I can't be fixed, and deep down part of me doesn't want to be fixed. It's just that this woman really makes me happy...and I'm afraid that if I'm 'just friends' with her...it'll make the relationship worse...I know all about that unrequitted love stuff...and it's not something I want to go through again. I wouldn't be able to stand her being a friend and watching her go out with another guy and have to listen to her tell me about it *I've done that before too...and it isn't nice*...(I know this is starting to sound stalkerish...). It'd be so much easier if she just didn't like me at all...

I just have this pent up guilt about pulling her chain around. I wouldn't have this guilt if she didn't like me...you know. I really wished she didn't...

[sera300]

See a Psychiatrist which is generally covered through your health insurance. At times you may wish to see a Psychotherapist; why? They get to the point and treatment faster. They go for what works (the deep issue) v. mere sessions. You cannot make yourself whole for another, only yourself, and if you drag this woman into this deep; it may be more than she can handle. Based on how much she knows of you, might be a good friend to go with you and wait outside.

One point though...for certain at the rate you are currently going you will not succeed with her; get help & you may work through getting to know each other. School counselors are not always the best source for advisement. Honestly, I like the work of some of the Psychotherapists I have sent patients to.

[Knight]

I’ll give my opinion on this even though I am probably not in the best position to be giving such advice. This is probably just a case of the blind leading the blind so be very critical of what I write.

For me, I have never been in a relationship; several times I’ve asked girls out, but was always turned down. I have been through the storm of emotion. I find it very difficult to keep going through this – having to snuff out all the feelings you build up for someone. Truth be told, I wish it were possible to purge the capacity for me to create romantic thoughts or attachments so I could free myself from the pain that always results. I have the impression that you feel similarly, though you have had greater success with women.

As you described there is a lady you met recently and whom you feel is trying to form a bond with you. Now I don’t know if she just wants to be friendly or something more, but fact of the matter is, she’s there in your life. That in itself to me is an amazing accomplishment – there is someone who wants to be with you (in whatever capacity). That you have something already with her (friendship) is already half the battle, it’s not like your watching from a window (such as I) women walking by and wishing that they knew you. But here you want to push her away because you don’t want to be hurt again and go through whatever it was you’ve had to previously face. I can truly understand that, but I think it’s going to hurt much more than it already does if you do succeed in pushing her away. And if you’re still worried that she will discover something about you that she won’t like, remember, your not getting married, you’re not both stuck together, you and her can dissolve this whenever you and her feel like it.

As much as I wish that I could purge from myself the emotion and desire for a female companion, there are many nights where I lie awake in bed and wish that there was someone there next to me, someone who wants to be with me. If such a thing were to ever result, I don't think I could conceive of a happier moment.

Don’t give her up, take it slow. Best of luck

P.S. Do see a qualified psychologist about whatever problems you have. I tried the advisers at my academic institution and didn’t feel that they were all that helpful either. I currently see a trained professional and it helps, they know what to do.

[amethyst exchange]

Originally Posted by sera300

See a Psychiatrist which is generally covered through your health insurance. At times you may wish to see a Psychotherapist; why? They get to the point and treatment faster. They go for what works (the deep issue) v. mere sessions. You cannot make yourself whole for another, only yourself, and if you drag this woman into this deep; it may be more than she can handle. Based on how much she knows of you, might be a good friend to go with you and wait outside.

One point though...for certain at the rate you are currently going you will not succeed with her; get help & you may work through getting to know each other. School counselors are not always the best source for advisement. Honestly, I like the work of some of the Psychotherapists I have sent patients to.

I can't afford a psychotherapist...or any therapist. I don't have health insurance...because...I can't afford it. I have been pushing her away because I don't want to deal with her...or her with me...I'm too self-destructive.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by amethyst exchange

I can't afford a psychotherapist...or any therapist. I don't have health insurance...because...I can't afford it. I have been pushing her away because I don't want to deal with her...or her with me...I'm too self-destructive.

Look up the number in your County for the Mental Health Center. There is no charge in the US if no insurance. Have to find the root of the issue regardless of how painful. Often secondary to pain, people keep others at a distance. Isolation is not good, seek pro. help through the County.

[amethyst exchange]

Originally Posted by sera300

Look up the number in your County for the Mental Health Center. There is no charge in the US if no insurance. Have to find the root of the issue regardless of how painful. Often secondary to pain, people keep others at a distance. Isolation is not good, seek pro. help through the County.

That's what I do. I keep people away and lie about how I feel...because I don't want them worrying. A lot of my problems come from self-esteem issues and trust issues, like I don't believe people when they say they like me...I always ask for a reason a real reason because I know that they can find someone better, etc. It's just that I have always been 'alone' even when I was with someone.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by amethyst exchange

That's what I do. I keep people away and lie about how I feel...because I don't want them worrying. A lot of my problems come from self-esteem issues and trust issues, like I don't believe people when they say they like me...I always ask for a reason a real reason because I know that they can find someone better, etc. It's just that I have always been 'alone' even when I was with someone.

Go back and figure where this distance began. Childhood? Later in life? Etc. What caused self-esteem issues & lack of trust? Was it an incident one specific or multiple, explain.....