It's been a while...

[amethyst exchange]

Originally Posted by sera300

Go back and figure where this distance began. Childhood? Later in life? Etc. What caused self-esteem issues & lack of trust? Was it an incident one specific or multiple, explain.....

Oh it's just always been that way. My mother is a manipulative, hateful person. My father, in order to survive, shut off anything remotely close to caring...

Anytime I did anything good...or well...it was for someone else. It's always been that way. Good grades were for mom and dad. Everything I've decided to do is for...other people. The things I like are because I was told I liked them...

And I was always alone in school and at home. I played alone. I talked alone and it really doesn't help that I tend to be...well a bit clever...and I always thought about things differently...and then in middle school, everyone had their boyfriends and girlfriends...and I was alone...and then when I did finally fall for someone...she dropped me for some jock...and I said...no more. I don't need this. And I was like that for a couple of years...and then I fell for this other woman...and I fell even harder for her...and she ended up leaving me for someone (who was...supposedly just like me...only you know...more attractive....) else...

I've always felt at best tolerated, at worst unwanted. That there were always people better than me so they just deal with me as an adequate filler for them.

[oedipussy]

Drop the act - If you didn't want to be the way you are, you wouldn't be. The way you write makes it pretty obvious that you revel in being dysfunctional. It sounds like you strive for it. Start acting like a normal human being and things might actually get better for you...

The only person that can help you is yourself.

[sera300]

First start at the perception of the marital dynamics, you as a child in the household, only view what is portrayed on the exterior. No one knows what happens in the bedroom, per say. Apparently, your parents chose to remain married for reasons & raised you to the best of their ability.

You played alone, achievement's to appease parents, and high school relationships are in the past.

High School is about finding what you like in people & not about how people handle themselves since they do not know themselves yet. Isolation through playing alone is one way a 'child' can exert control; however, you figured out how to be creative through this play & avoided "playing well with others". Now, this is the past. Being dumped later happens; imagine a marrige where you are walked out on for other reasons.

FAST FORWARD TO THE PRESENT--TODAY [& how to start here and now].

You are now an adult & responsible for your own actions regardless of the past--your future begins here and now.

The foundation for a healthy relationship [your own] begins with:
1- Respect.
2-Accepting personal responsibility for one's behavior.
3-Allowing others to bear the consequences of their behavior [not through creating shame but by being the man you wish/want to be].
4-Caring without enabling.

Owning your own choices:
1-What is best for my life long term?
2-What is best long term for those in my care?
3-What MUST I have from a relationship to stay? [Not what you want, would like, or need]
4-What will I absolutely not tolerate in this relationship if I stay?
5-What am I expecting to lose if I end this relationship if I stay?
6-What do I expect to gain if I stay in this relationship?

****The "lifeblood" of successful living is owning your choices*****


All of these questions can be applied to any relationship or scenario [not just this relationship but through understanding and placing the past where it belongs] you begin anew. However, realize this is a good place to start through asking yourself these questions and understanding how to build a good foundation for the future. If you want love; you need to let it in. Whenever one does this there is risk, the risk can be painful and difficult, it may end; however, developing good interpersonal skills are a must unless you wish to live as a recluse. What you have said, you imply you do not want to, you wish someone there which you love. If you do not begin opening up I will guarantee you will end up alone & never trust.

One essential question if a relationship does not work is; WHY & ACCEPTANCE based on your trueness/honesty. Then, what could I have reasonably done to make it better [such as effective communication or letting barriers down], what did I gain from getting to know/love this person? Did I leave it on good terms and what can I do differently to advert the discomfort? I.E.--Was I kind? Or needy? Or did I choose to date the wrong person & did not see what was evident? [lack of insight].

I hope this serves as a beginning for you. Think through it and make your life what you wish it to be. A life not lived is one which is tossed to the side due to fear & insecurity!

Been there.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Oedi has a point - if you REALLY wanted help - you would move heaven and earth to get it.

As it is you can come here and get petted "poor little boy" etc. Yeah your parents sucked - that is THEIR problem not yours. Get over it. After 18, you have to stop blaming others, focus on yourself and FIX whatevere's handicapping you, not just whining about.

It is your life. Take charge of it.

[amethyst exchange]

Originally Posted by sera300

One essential question if a relationship does not work is; WHY & ACCEPTANCE based on your trueness/honesty. Then, what could I have reasonably done to make it better [such as effective communication or letting barriers down], what did I gain from getting to know/love this person? Did I leave it on good terms and what can I do differently to advert the discomfort? I.E.--Was I kind? Or needy? Or did I choose to date the wrong person & did not see what was evident? [lack of insight].

Been there.

My relationships tend not to work because I keep everyone at an arm's length. I do this because I fear that I'm manipulating them. I also fear that I'll lust after them to the point of not being sincere in my actions towards them. They kind of end in a whimper, than in a bang. I think that's because I don't get overly passionate about them, because I lock up my feelings because I've never really learned how to be passionate about something without it turning into some vile and bestial. So the girls I'm with sort of...just drift away because there's no heat or fire.

[amethyst exchange]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Oedi has a point - if you REALLY wanted help - you would move heaven and earth to get it.

As it is you can come here and get petted "poor little boy" etc. Yeah your parents sucked - that is THEIR problem not yours. Get over it. After 18, you have to stop blaming others, focus on yourself and FIX whatevere's handicapping you, not just whining about.

It is your life. Take charge of it.

It's easy to say 'fix it'. It's easy to say 'get self-confidence' or 'care about yourself'. But in order to move heaven and earth you have to have energy and momentum behind you...and it's hard to get that energy and momentum behind you when you have nowhere to get it from.

I'm sorry but I can't believe that when the parents teach their children self-hatred, treat them in such a way that the children hate themselves and generally create an environment of hatred and self loathing that they can then be completely absolved of that when the child reaches a magic legal number.

[amethyst exchange]

Originally Posted by oedipussy

Drop the act - If you didn't want to be the way you are, you wouldn't be. The way you write makes it pretty obvious that you revel in being dysfunctional. It sounds like you strive for it. Start acting like a normal human being and things might actually get better for you...

The only person that can help you is yourself.

What's normal? I'm sorry but when people say 'Act like a normal human being' I can't help but think they have a very narrow definition of humanity.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by amethyst exchange

My relationships tend not to work because I keep everyone at an arm's length. I do this because I fear that I'm manipulating them. I also fear that I'll lust after them to the point of not being sincere in my actions towards them. They kind of end in a whimper, than in a bang. I think that's because I don't get overly passionate about them, because I lock up my feelings because I've never really learned how to be passionate about something without it turning into some vile and bestial. So the girls I'm with sort of...just drift away because there's no heat or fire.

Owning your own consequences! Now decide which man you want to be and follow through. Get passionate, let it out. So what you lust? You need to learn to live. You live through experiencing life the good, bad, and indifferent.

Dear, not many have been through more hell then myself. I still want a person to love.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by amethyst exchange

What's normal? I'm sorry but when people say 'Act like a normal human being' I can't help but think they have a very narrow definition of humanity.

Go out and view what seems normal; you live within your own confines of imprisonment.

[amethyst exchange]

Originally Posted by sera300

Owning your own consequences! Now decide which man you want to be and follow through. Get passionate, let it out. So what you lust? You need to learn to live. You live through experiencing life the good, bad, and indifferent.

Dear, not many have been through more hell then myself. I still want a person to love.

I don't know who I want to be. Largely because I want to be no one. I don't want to be passionate, because when people are passionate they get a drive...and when they get a drive they get manipulative. I don't want to lust, because then it means I don't know if I'm doing something for her because I want to have sex with her...or if it's because I want to be nice to her...for being who she is. That's why lust scares me...it makes me manipulative...and I don't want to be that.