Friend who I liked broke up with girlfriend and is back in my life...what to do?

[remediosthebeauty]

Two summers ago, I worked with this guy very closely for 9 hours/day. At first I just really liked him as a person and we started to become friends, but as the weeks went by I realized that my feelings for him went deeper than friendship. However, he was also in a very serious 3-year relationship with another co-worker that he had known since high school. I decided that I wasn't going to let that stop me from being his friend, and we just grew to be closer and closer - he was one of my best friends for that summer - even though our friendship couldn't really extend outside of the work place. I had never met a guy like him before, and even though I knew that I could see myself with him for a long time, I decided not to let those feelings ruin just how lucky I was to wake up and get to see him everyday.

He flirted with me a lot, but I didn't think much of it until one of his girlfriend's friends (who was also our co-worker) pointed it out to him and said that he was paying too much attention to me. Then things were awkward and I felt like I had to pull back. We talked on the phone a few times during the year while we were both away at school, but we were busy, and it faded.

We worked together again the next summer, but not as closely, and we barely talked because I just couldn't deal with the drama and the strong feelings that I had, and our relationship always emotionally went over the boundaries of friends. He acted like he wanted to continue flirting and have things be the same, but I had to pull back.

Even though I consider him to be the best guy I've ever met, I got over him because I thought that there was no way that he was going to break up with his girlfriend of 4 years. However, last week he randomly called me after not talking for 6 months to just talk about life, catch up, and...to tell me that things weren't going well with his girlfriend (who he now lives with). He wanted to talk about what he should do when he graduates from college at the end of the year , and said that he was going through a lot of life changes, and asked me if I was planning to work where we used to work together again this summer, because he was. I tried not to pry, but from what I could tell, they weren't broken up yet (they live together, after all), but the way he was talking, it sounded like they wouldn't be together by this summer. He said that they "were never a good match."

This guy and I know a lot about each other, we can talk about anything, we make each other laugh, and I just genuinely love spending time with him. We worked closely in a high-pressure environment and we were a great team. My feelings for him were unselfish and just very real - it is the closest to being in love that I have ever come. It was always just so easy. If anything, I'm just so excited that he's back in my life and we're talking again.

What is he trying to say by calling to tell me about him and his girlfriend? There is no way that I would enter into a relationship with him right away, because I think that he needs to spend some time alone first, but does this mean that he is interested?

[sera300]

Be polite keep your distance---he is playing you. A friendship extends outside of the work place in your daily post work interactions. So, he splits from his g/f, want to be the rebound relationship & get hurt?

[remediosthebeauty]

okay, that's fair, but I can assure you that this guy hasn't played anybody in his entire life. And we did hang out outside of work (though it was with the people we worked with) but his girlfriend was always there. They came and left work together, did everything together, practically lived together. So we couldn't really do anything together outside of work.

[sera300]

Lives with someone and flirts like crazy w/you? I wonder why that would be. Gets in a serious relationship but cannot control himself? Now he is at your doorstep? Sounds like he requires ego boosting and is afraid of being alone. Be careful not to be the next one to fulfill his loneliness.

[Aviator29]

Sorry sweetheart, but I gotta go with Sera on this one. If he decided not to talk to you for 6 months, its because you were not on his mind. Suddenly he has relationship issues and so he goes looking for the quick rebound. The first girl that comes to his mind that he knows might have feelings for him. Guys do this because sometimes they are looking for an excuse or a reason to leave their current relationship. He may only be looking to get out of this long term relationship by creating a short term one. One that will more then likely not have good results for you.

I know its hard, I can certainly understand and appreciate your feelings. You sound like a sweet girl and one that doesn't deserve to get a broken heart by playing rebound. I would avoid a relationship. A guy doesn't spend 4 years with the same girl and then call up a co-worker from the past to talk about his relationship problems.

Stay on the prowl, you'll find the right guy.

[latebloomer]

You like the guy, so you don't want to believe he'd play you. Been there, done that. At some point, after he plays you if you let him, you'll even convince yourself he didn't intend to play you so you can maintain your good opinion of him. But the reality is, its a play. He's been with her so long he's scared to be alone again, probably doesn't know who he is anymore but what she's on his arm. He's looking for comfort for his pain, and to know that there's someone of the female persuasion who might still want him that way and who would keep him on her mind. You want to be FRIENDS, so be it, but keep it at that. When I broke from a 4.5 year relationship and waited 1.5 years to get 'out there' again, it was still a lonliness-related rebound.

[EvilEvilKitten]

He's living with her and yet flirts with you. Interesting. Now if I was like everyone else, I'd tell you to drop him. But since I'm not, I'd suggest asking him outright - "are you two looking to begin polyamory or you two getting into swinging?" If they aren't, THEN you walk away. But if they are going 'alternative', you need to hear it from HER - his live-in girlfriend. Then you can make up your own mind about whether to join in or not.

[arutha]

You know it is possible for people to start flirting with others when they are in a relationship if it is going stale with the intention not to make the new person just an easy rebound. Sure it may not work out going from one relationship to another but it has for me in the past, and my last gf was in a long term relationship when I first met her and we started flirting so its not impossible.

Just don't get yourself too emotionally involved in it, take things slowly if you start seeing him more often, enjoy yourself.

[EvilEvilKitten]

OH? And you think this guy here is one worth having? Sorry but he'd have to do more than flirt to regain my attention - he'd have to toe my line and wear my collar - and beg to be permitted to do either.

[arutha]

I don't think we really know enough about him to make a firm judgement. It seems like he gets along really well with the OP, which is a good thing, but flirts when in a relationship, which is a bad thing. Could be just that he isn't happy with the relationship, and is looking for other people, or could be that he'll do the same with everyone hes going out with. It can be very difficult for some people to get themselves out of a long term relationship that they are no longer happy with, the other person becomes habit, you just come to accept that they are part of your life, and it is hard to risk dumping what you know for what you don't know.