Least in his priorities - Help, I dunno what to do.

[info_junkie]

So I have been going out with my bf for at over 1 year 6 months. I have been at uni since september and he lives 3/4 hours away back home. I am starting to feel like I am the least in his priorities. I saw him last weekend for a decent amount of time for the 1st time in 6 weeks. I saw him alot over xmas. I do visit home when I can afford the 40 pound train ticket. But he refuses to drive down and see me. If he does it as long as its for a few days, but then he complains he is skint and we dont do much. However, he affords to go away twice with his mates next month (and one of them is to prague) and keep up his 8 grand car and buy a ps3 and brand new HD freeview tv etc. I asked if we could go away somewhere nice (all my mates are going away with their boyfriends/girlfriends) but he said he wouldnt be able to go away with me at all anywhere.

I was upset and felt real alone for weeks before he visited and asked him 3 times to pop down for the day, he said no. He would have been home WAY before 11pm. His excuse was it was to far away.

I have been feeling really down since he left and I tried talking to my 2 mates I trust, but ironically they are with their boyfriends having a good time and I just dont feel like burdening them. I dont like talking about my problem as it is.

I have told my bf I have been down and attempted to share my fears but he just cried and said he was sad he couldnt see me. So I shut up.

My mum says as nice as he can be its time for me to move on. And that he actually mirrors my emotions, as I dont say when I want when I emphasize... I hope that makes sense.

But I dunno what to do, I still love him but I am so lonely, I have stopped going out as I feel so down and I am not good company to my friends, I know this and its unfair with them to have to deal with it, well I think.

My mum also said its kinda an abusive relationship, if I am constantly upset and staying because I dont want to hurt his feelings.

I am usually never like this, which I think annoys me more. I am seeing him this weekend and will attempt talking to him too.

So I guess I am saying if I dunno what to do and may I have some advice please. Thanks for reading.

[bluetide76]

In a way I think you are answering yourself in your post. He isnt treating you how you should be, that is the bottomline. If he cares about you and treated you like a real girlfriend then he would make some time and trips to see you. Especially with seeing all he is doing with his friends and other spending. Drop him and find better, there are many guys out there that would treat you like a woman should be. Remember there is a separation between love and dependence. You have been with him for a long time so it is hard to just let go and move on. Also you are depending on him too much for happiness which is making your normal life suffer. You need to move on and find what makes you happy again, he isnt it.

[sera300]

Well a 45 minute ride to see the one you love is not asking much. Unfortunately, the more we appear to express our feelings, the more clingy we appear to men. Why? He is not listening to you or taking your feelings into consideration. When you asked about going away--he said never. He is waiting for you to end this with him & has set every possible scenario for to do it. Overall, his crying is frustration most often. Just end it and skip seeing him this weekend for a talk since you have invited him other times and he just declines the invite.

Any relationship which goes over the one year point, allows you to see the person in their real light and he is showing his lack of consideration & his true self. It never gets better over time. If anything most likely he will continue the same path in a worse manner.

You do not need to be on a emotional rollercoaster; when you needed him he declined to see you. That is him; a man who will never be there when you need him.

[demonbuttercup]

I drive that far to work every day!

I would just quit while I was ahead. Concentrate on school and making new friends there.
It can't be a one way street. He has to make efforts on his part to make it work...and it's apparent he isn't trying.

[JustAGirl]

I think he's trying to take the coward's way out of wanting to break up with you. It sounds like you both have developed different interests over time, and different priorities, and need to go your separate ways. One person can't pull the weight of two in a relationship; it has to be an effort on both parts.

You might want to bring this up with him when you two talk this weekend: that if he is not willing or not able to put time into your relationship, that maybe it is time you go your separate ways. See how he responds to that.

Take care. Just went through this with my ex and, well, now he's an ex.

[Ducy]

Yup, everybody has it right. Move on. He is nothing mor than a jerk. your mom is also right. It is an emotionally abusive (maybe not intentionally) relationship. Just more on, find another man. I mean hey 45 minutes would be worth seeing somebody I love. I visit the grandparents twice a week and they live a good 1 hr 15 minutes away. The only time I really get to see my girl when she is at work....another good hour or so away. If he really wanted to he could be there in a heartbeat.

[dancingdoc2]

Hi,
You have received very insightful input from those who have answered you ahead of me.

Let me shed additional insight into the young male at this stage of life. When first gaining some independence, many young men through caution to the wind and just go wild sampling all manner of activities as if there are not enough hours in the day or days in the week. As the pendulum begins to swing back it cycles with less and less intensity and over the course of a couple of years or so, as "he sews his wild oats" living a somewhat carefree existence his life and interests will begin to take on some perspective and degrees of importance.

Right now you are just one of many interests and already other activities hold more importance and thus rate a higher priority and degree of interest and time. This is nothing new or unusual or unique to the two of you. Be comforted that you are not married with a child only to sit on the sidelines watching him with his friends fiddle with a car or play ball, or engage in some other activity that steals an unrealistic amount of time from you. He has to learn what is important to him and then to prioritize his free time accordingly. This will come as he continues to mature. It will also happen after he settles down and decides on a plan for the rest of his life. Right now, he isn't there.

It may sound cruel to say, however, you are just a conquest, one of many. He courted you, won you, and now takes you for granted. Unless and until he is ready to make you a priority in his life, I agree that you should move forward, make new friends at school, and date lots of other people. Why?

There has been a trend during the past few years that we only date to find the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. This is wrong. Date to sample what humanity has to offer and to learn about as many people and their character, quirks, likes, dislikes, morals, values, goals, etc. The more people you learn about the better you will be at recognizing when Mr. Right comes along. Dating lots of people provides greater opportunity to do more things and different things. Dating affords each of us to gain a greater perspective on people and life. Do it.

Lastly, the less committed you are to one person as in having an exclusive relationship, the less stress drama there will be in your life. This is a good thing while you are not yet prepared to handle and manage these complexities.

I hope this is of help. Now, let friends know that you are available to date and ask if they know of anybody who would be of interest to you. It's called "networking". Join clubs or organizations in which guys participate and in which you have an interest or would like to know more about.

[gigi]

Not that it changes much of the advice here, but I believe the OP meant "three to four" hours, not "three quarters" of an hour.

Otherwise, I agree with what everyone has said.

[Ducy]

Still...If you can afford a PS3, going to prague, buying a new tv and fixing an 8,000 dollar car (or spending that much) you should be able to visit a loved one at least once.

[browneyedgirl]

In any relationship, you need to consider if the benefits of being in the relationship outweigh the bad parts. In this case the answer is unequivocally no. You are feeling lonely and neglected, as though you are the last thing on his list. You've tried to work it out with him and he refuses to even visit you on a regular basis, let alone give you the care you need. I think that alone should give you your answer. It is only worth being in a relationship if it makes you happy and brings joy to your life - we seek companionship for that reason. It is worth it to work past a rough patch if you are in an otherwise good, healthy relationship, or if there are children involved. Your scenario isn't like those situations. You have no obligation to him or to make this work. This guy ignores you and refuses to go on vacations with you - he has money to go on trips with friends and buy new TVs, but he can't come visit you because the train ticket is 40 pounds? Come on! Can't he think of a better excuse? Do you want to continue to be treated like this? Move on and find someone who really respects and loves you.