I want my wife to want me - is she broken?

[TonyB]

So the short of it is I’m a married who isn’t getting it. I know that is very typical and almost all married men complain of the same thing but there is literally no magic whatsoever in our marriage. This post is my last outcry for help and I am trying to save my marriage. I welcome any advice anyone on here has to offer. It’s a long read but please bare with me.

First off I am a 23 yo asian male and she is of the same heritage and is 24. We’ve been married for 3 years but dated for 7 years prior to that. The asian girl stereotype does apply to her in the sense that she was brought up in a strict household and is very modest sexually. Unfortunately the submissive asian girl stereotype does not apply (but honestly I wouldn’t like it either as I don’t believe in that kind of sex- I’m a very sensual type of guy). Basically it doesn’t happen enough in the sack. We’ve got two kids, a 3 yo and a 1 yo. She works full time first shift as a CNA and I’m a full time engineering student with a part time job on weekends. I don’t understand how stamina and not enough time comes into play as there should be no one else with less time than me.

She is a great housewife and this may be a bias but I feel I am more than the perfect man. I do things that most guys in most marriages wouldn’t contemplate. I’m very open minded and don’t believe in sex roles. I cook, clean and even do the weekly 2 hour grocery store marathon with her. Not once has she had to go by herself. I always have and always make sure she is very comfortable and that I don’t fall into the category of deadbeat husband.

Onto the sex related stuff. Now we are both very attractive and our marriage outside of sex is very perfect. There are very little arguments and when there are it is based on this issue. We have sex about once every two weeks which is always initiated by me. Please keep in mind that this is the only successful initiation out of maybe 5 during that 2 week period. Like mentioned before I’m a very sensual guy and when sex does happen it doesn’t work the way I wish it would. Getting shutdown all week and having to be persistant to finally get results doesn’t really make for a very romantic session. Basically instead it being an intimate encounter it becomes just a chance to get my rocks off. Not how I want it to go.

In bed she fits the perfect profile of being a rag doll. Every position has me dominating and she makes little effort to put into it. I rarely get that feeling that she is into it. It seems as if she’s just sticking it out to keep me happy and her mind is completely elsewhere. I just never get the vibe that she wants me or it period. Throughout our relationship there’s never been a moment where she comes onto me with a look of desire. Not saying that I want her to tear my pants off every weekend when I get home from work and start sucking my dick in the doorway but a few spontaneous acts similar in nature would at least let me know I’m desired.

I don’t know if I’m inadequate but I do feel pretty confident about myself. I measure out at about 6-7 inches and have an above average girth. My stamina is where I shine however. I can run marathons for at least 2 hours of penetration without trying. I know she reaches orgasm and 99% of the time she gets muiltiples. I’d have to say at least 3-5 orgasms every time we actually have sex.

Thinking that maybe I am inadequate I dwelved into the world of sex toys. Trust me her collection now is way beyond anything modest (I’ve been getting really desperate to increase her sexuality). She loves using her toys. She won’t ask for them but won’t complain if I take them out. However it all goes back to her just not having the desire, period. Getting her in the mood is still the hard part.

In regards to getting her in the mood I’ve tried all aspects. Candles, bubble baths, flowers, nights out, dinner, etc and nothing works. Trust me when I say I’ve tried everything to find her niche. I’ve tried more aggressive approaches and gentle romance novel approaches but nothing works. I could take her on a boating trip through Italy or dress like a caveman and try tearing off her clothes and she’ll still shut me down like flipping channels past the home shopping network.

There are two factors that could play into her lack of desire for sex. One she was a rape victim and two she claims to be bisexual.
She was forced at knifepoint to perform oral sex when she was 15. Her parents ,in favor of not losing face, didn’t get her any therapy afterwards. We’ve discussed this before and I’ve recommended therapy and she claims she doesn’t need it and is fine. I think there might be a psychological block.
She claims that she is bisexual and would love to be part of a male-female-female threesome with me. Yeah for me, right? Except for the fact that since I get no sexual vibes from her and she shows little interest in her phallic sex toys without my intervention I’m starting to wonder if she’s a straight lesbian. She doesn’t touch, **** or suck me unless I ask her too or make an obvious gesture towards what I want. This applies even while we have sex. She shows no admiration of my genitals whatsoever.

So any suggestions, guys and girls? Thoughts and opinions? Should we consider marriage counseling and/or a psychiatrist? Should we try talking it out on our own? We’ve been discussing this for years and nothing ever changes. Sometimes she’ll get the gist and she’ll show a little more sexual prowness for next few days and then it’ll subside. Which tells me it’s just an act and not an actual desire.

Cliff notes
23/24 yo married couple
Not getting it on
I;m sure I’m more than adequate
She shows very little interest in sex (there’s a better chance my TV will ask me to **** it)
She was a rape victim
Her confusion over sexual orientation
Trying to save my marriage
Have 2 young kids
Professional help or just keep talking?

[dancingdoc2]

The first question that comes to my mind, Tony, is who cares for the children during the day? Does she or do you pay for daycare? If she takes care of them, the house, and works, then this is a very likely result. If the kids are farmed out, most of the day, and she comes home to cook, clean, and take care of the children for the remainder of the day, then you have to understand that this can be as much as three full time mobs. It is generally considered that a full time stay at home mom works the equivalent of two full time jobs. So, work the ratio and you'll see she is probably way more tired than you at the end of the day.

I do not have an answer regarding her upbringing. I was married to an Amerasian woman who spent the first eighteen years of her life in Japan with occasional visits to the U.S. She was extremely shy and reserved, although enthusiasm for sex was never a problem except when it cut into her free time during the weekends.

I think the two of you need to have a heart to heart talk about what is going on with her and with you. Find out if she loves you and if she does, why this outward expression of the love she shares is not being demonstrated enthusiastically. Let her know of your needs, desires, and wishes. After all is said, see what can be worked out between you to make space for making love and reducing her workload. Often this can mean putting the kids to bed an hour early, getting up an hour earlier so you have some fresh time to make out, letting her have a nap after you arrive home so she has more energy at the end of the day. Perhaps schedules can be adjusted or rearranged. If you need to cut back on school in order to help out around the house more than you are doing, then I'd do this. If it takes you six years to graduate instead of four, so be it. Family first.

As to your bottom line: I'd continue the dialog and see what the two of you can learn and then negotiate. If it comes to counseling, then find a person, preferably a woman, who can both relate to your wife's lifestyle, and, her cultural upbringing.

[TonyB]

We split chores around the house pretty evenly. Taking care of the kids is pretty much split right down the middle. We each cook and clean up a fair share of all the meals. Schedules have been readjusted and naps have been taken. She'll take a 2-3 hour nap from 3-6pm most days and be "too tired" for sex at 9:00. Whatever the case I can guarantee that it doesn't involve fatigue.

This may come off sounding like your typical married guy rant but I'm no average joe and have attacked this from all angles. We have someone living with us and I've considered that maybe she's uncomfortable with someone in the house. Even when he's gone and there are no neighbors home she's still never into it.

Honestly the way she looks at sex is like a 12 year old girl. She's still very reserved, shy and seems to be ashamed of it. We're both married adults and she acts like it's a forbidden act. It's like I'm married to a nun.

She shows no sex drive whatsoever and we've had many talks about this over the years. She's finally confessed that she does have urges. They hit her very rarely, maybe once or twice a week. The problem is she says when they hit it has to be satisfied then and there. She states that if she has the oppurtunity to she'll rub one off. Otherwise if she's busy with the kids or whatever she'll just shrug it off. By the time I get home or we get into bed either she's already satisfied herself or it's already passed. WTF? So I've got to be there at the exact right time and place with work, school, and two kids?

All this is starting to affect me psychologically as well. I understand that as you age your libido changes and drops but mine has dropped drastically and I can feel a direct correlation with the problem in our sex life. Getting shut down by your own wife nights on end for years really demoralizes you. Also makes you start to feel really insecure about yourself. I get no nice comments. She's never commented on my body sexually and she won't even look at me when I'm naked. She'll stare at the friggen wall the whole time. She doesn't look at my body, she doesn't even make eye contact.

I'm even to the point where I feel like if the oppurtunity presented itself I'd cheat on her. I was raised right and I'm not that type of guy. I'm not looking for an excuse but rather I can feel this chipping away at my fidelity to her. Something I do not want.

[bluetide76]

Sounds like you both need to sit down with a marriage counselor. I also believe that there is something underlying or going on with her feelings that she isnt talking about. Based on how you are perceiving her actions toward you it seems like she is making excuses and unwilling to figure it out on her own. Your best bet is to be serious with her and tell her how it is affecting you, ask her to help resolve this and mention seeing a counselor. Sex life is a important part of relationships and if she isnt even looking at you with adoration then something is going on.

[TonyB]

I don't need to sit down with anybody. I'm of very sane mind and think very deeply into things. If anythind I'll send her to a counseler or psychiatrist with the URL to this thread. As far as I know that's all I need to be there for.

This is the first time I've talked to anybody else about this. I actually want to talk to a friend but this stuff is a little too personal. Everyone I know will just start laughing when I talk about the big black dildo I bought her. Unless you guys think that people in general have a good understanding if something like this was brought up. As far as my friends go I'm very hesitant. I'd also like a women's opinion but I've distanced myself from any women that aren't family or extended family. So my friendships with any of my good girl friends have long been severed - oddly enough it was all for her not upon her request but out of my respect for her.

When we've talked about it I've told her all that has been mentioned. I don't hold back on anything. I've even told her directly that I feel like it's affecting my fidelity. Obviously she's worried enough to try to figure things out on her own. Actually I just hand scrawled a letter reiterating all this to her. I also included that I no longer care and am going start an open ended relationship. I told her that it probably won't make any difference in her life but at least it will in mine. I told her I won't leave but just won't stay loyal to her obvious reasons. I don't really mean it and am just trying to scare her into maybe possibly caring. I doubt it'll work but it's the only thing left I can think of. Leave her the letter and then space myself from her for a while and see what happens. Maybe then she'll care enough to do something to try and patch it up.

[Brandye]

Tony,

Your response to bluetide rather re-inforces the advice tide gave. Marriage counselling is about communication and helping both.

[oedipussy]

And this is exactly why there's not a single good reason to get married and have kids when you're 20 ****ing years old. Poor decisions have a habit of eventually catching up with you...

Other than for your childrens' sake, is this even worth trying to save? Doesn't sound like it. You can't fix someone else's sex drive. You dated her for 7 years prior to getting married and didn't notice this until just now?

My opinion? Time to cut your losses and move on. But I've never been married so perhaps you might want to listen to someone who has more experience on this subject than I do.

[sera300]

Tony:

This is a woman you dated for 7 years--prior to marriage. The sexual portion of your relationship prior to marriage should continue post marriage. If its been a decline, she needs to see a doc to be certain physically all is in order. If all is fine then you require a marrige counselor. You require a professional therapist to show you ways to break through the sexual & emotional issues here. YOU cannot do it yourself & placing blame on her alone is no sufficient & not fair.

If she has always been on the low end of a sexual drive (low libido) well why are you surprised? And then seek counseling together or a good matrimonial attorney. You cannot go through life being upset with one another regardless, and not repair a marriage.

[TonyB]

I pretty much play the marriage counselor at home. I know I'll have to be there regardless I'm just making of good strong point of the fact that I'm the only one who seems to be trying. If she has 0 sex drive why would she even begin to understand the frustration of someone who actually has a sex drive? I make her life so comfortable that it's something she probably just brushes away. Trust me, I treat her very good.

As for the dating part there were signs but I always took them as her being to timid for premarital sex. Now that we're married it should be no holds barred but the fence actually got reinforced. I'll probably try to talking to her again but I'm really starting to believe that she is a full fledged lesbian. I'm sure this whole subject is just like a broken record to her. Everytime we talk she reponds like a little kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. She adds nothing to the conversation, has no defense and just plain old looks annoyed.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by TonyB

I pretty much play the marriage counselor at home. I know I'll have to be there regardless I'm just making of good strong point of the fact that I'm the only one who seems to be trying. If she has 0 sex drive why would she even begin to understand the frustration of someone who actually has a sex drive? I make her life so comfortable that it's something she probably just brushes away. Trust me, I treat her very good.

As for the dating part there were signs but I always took them as her being to timid for premarital sex. Now that we're married it should be no holds barred but the fence actually got reinforced. I'll probably try to talking to her again but I'm really starting to believe that she is a full fledged lesbian. I'm sure this whole subject is just like a broken record to her. Everytime we talk she reponds like a little kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. She adds nothing to the conversation, has no defense and just plain old looks annoyed.

As you stated your are PLAYING the marriage counselor...see, one you are too close to the issues & secondly not a professional. Now go, make the appointment, and get yourselves fixed together...and your marriage.