1st post general rant/issues please help!

[stresshead101]

Hi everyone, sorry if i've posted this in the wrong section or if i ramble too much!

A bit of background
I've been with my gf for nearly 15 months but we've known each other all our lives (like in the movies lol). I'm 22 (so is she) and its my first proper relationship. She's had other bf's in the past but non for as long as we have been together. Over the past 15 months this website and the posts of others have helped me in different ways.

The problems
i'm in my final year at university and she has another year left after me. Recently we've both been under pressure with uni work and have had arguments that have been major but have blown over after a week or so but i'm not sure how to communicate with her for the first time in my life. Being 2hrs apart means we get to see each other about once a fortnight and i fear the strain is beginning to tell. There are issues such as what's gonna happen after uni (where to live for example, which makes job hunting impossible) that I thought we had a joint view on but she keeps changing her mind. Each time i talk to her i get it straight in my head and then within a week she moves the goalposts! I could deal with it were it not for the fact that she is a strong woman and definately wears the trousers in our relationship, mostly because i hate to upset her.

I have doubts sometimes but then we'll have an amazing time and they all go away. But on nights like tonight I wonder if I give in too easily and if i'm scared that if i upset her she'll end it (as she's threatened to in the heat of arguments).

Any comments or advice would be helpful, thanks for reading this. this post is partly about me seeing things written down to see if i can get perspective.

Many thanks
Stresshead

[sera300]

Time for both of you to date others. Stay friends, but let it go for now. Why? You might find you work out best when cutting the other loose to live a life.

[stresshead101]

thanks sera but we both have lives, its not as though we're too dependant on each other or anything. I don't believe its time to end anything, i may need to grow a pair at times though. I'm seeing her at the weekend and i think it's time for a chat about the future.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by stresshead101

thanks sera but we both have lives, its not as though we're too dependant on each other or anything. I don't believe its time to end anything, i may need to grow a pair at times though. I'm seeing her at the weekend and i think it's time for a chat about the future.

I realize you have separate lives. Not to end it but to let each other loose; you will graduate and begin work. She will still be in UNI (college); tough one. It's do-able but perhaps seeing others for a bit might be good for both. Many do get back together when ready to settle down.

[EvilEvilKitten]

In my experience, British men tend to be far too diffident and this gets most irksome even to strong women. Yes, you must grow a set. This is precisely what she is trying to get you to do. She is, by changing her mind so frequently, you understand, trying to get you to make a decision. Not for her, but for you. She can then decide yeah or nay. But she wants you to state your terms.

Think of how you want your life to be and set your terms accordingly. If a particular item is important enough to you to risk losing her, do NOT back down from your position on that item - ever. If it matters to you that much then backing down will destroy your happiness and erode your credibility in her eyes.

There is no need for either of you to 'wear the pants' - marriage is a partnership between equals where one's strengths balance out the other's weaknesses and vice versa. If you want her by your side and her respect - you have to stand forth as a man and not as a toy boy.

This is essentially what Sera said.

[stresshead101]

I don't get this idea that you can 'see others' but not end it. If wanted to see anyone else i'd be single and so would she. She kissed another guy while she was drunk a while back and I nearly ended it but she pleaded that it was a wake up call 4 her that she only wants me. EvilEvilKitten you make some valid points thanks, i've had a couple of texts off her today and she wants to talk (without arguing) so its time we decide whats next and set out our stalls, as it were. Then compromise. Its just very strange that I have a massive black hole of work coming up and she's already getting job offers (she's studying to be a teacher).

p.s how are

british men far too different

?

[dancingdoc2]

EEK's term is correct:

"diffident" --

1. lacking confidence in one's own ability, worth, or fitness; timid; shy.
2. restrained or reserved in manner, conduct, etc.

[stresshead101]

cheers doc, didn't spot the spelling. i'd only just got up when i read eek's post lol

[EvilEvilKitten]

Buddy, you are single as in NOT MARRIED. Therefore the obligations are not legally binding as of yet. You have ONLY those rights she is willing to grant you, nothing more and vice versa, she only has those you give her.

Yes, it is a new concept for you - don't be exclusive until you're marrying her as in afianced! Still, it is career first, marriage afterwards.

[stresshead101]

no i'm not single i'm in a relationship, things are not black and white - single and married. if it were people would never get married as there would be no relationship/dating whatever you want to call it phase. you have a very cynical view EEK. Obligations might not be legally binding but as my gf and I are serious about each other we do have obligations to each other as far as emotions and plans for our future together goes. IF the day comes one of us wants to end it then i won't have to give her a second thought if i don't want to, but at the moment she's very much a main consideration in my life, thats not to say every decision i make is based on her but she does come into the major ones and visa versa. Its a partnership, we are exclusive cos we both want it that way. You might think i'm a naive romantic but we're happy and we're not in serious trouble yet.

‘Women are meant to be loved, not understood.’ - Oscar Wilde