I trust him, but ... annoying! help??

[Meeshellow]

so my boyf and i have been together for just of a year but i feel like we are just growing apart, i am always causing fights, and over stupid things. I feel like i am the reason. Everytime he is out with his friends i worry he is with other girls. I have never had a serious boyf until him,so i really want this to last. I mean i trust him, but i just worry.
HOW DO I STOP. Ive tried talking to him about it, but all we do is end up fighting caus he says its dumb of me to think he would do anthing..
I STILL WORRY

what can i do to help myself , before he really does something!????

[Ducy]

Ummm.....self esteem....and lots of it...

I mean really to be honest if you know he never would but you still worry, it has to do with self esteem...You doubt yourself..."oh im fat" "I dont look pretty enough" "I dont do good enough in bed" I mean even if you dont realize it, more than likely its it because you become so self conscious on your faults that you fear they will drive him away...this leads to the hes cheating thoughts...

Me...always very low....always was worried that a girlfriend would cheat...

So what did I do I tried to build it up...I went to the gym, dressed to impress, did anything and everything to increase it...(plus a wee bit of help from my girlfriend)

today I dont really care...err well...i dont fret over it too much. I feel confident in myself and I dont worry that it would be my shortcomings that make her stray....it would be hers...

[Thresher_V]

By worrying and confronting him with the chance he might cheat, you may inadvertently be causing him to head toward cheating. However, if you pull back too much, it may cause him to lose interest.

The best advice then would be to allow him some space and just keep your eyes and ears open. If he was cheating, he most likely wouldn't admit it anyway. So worrying and fighting so much is unnecessary.

Try going out with your friends more and see if maybe you can spark that feeling in him. He might see things from your perspective and be a little more open to talking.

[Meeshellow]

thank you soooo much... i never thought bout the self esteem thing
thanks

[Ducy]

No problemo...that generally is the most common reason for those kinds of anxieties...I mean people who feel good about themselves...who think they are the s**t so to speak usually dont worry about it...they figure hey if they cheat bfd I just get a new one...

You actually made it clear that its self esteem because as you said its your first real boyfriend...you've been dating a year and therefore...your afraid of losing the one you love...and the fact its your first real bf your afraid of not getting another serious one.

[dancingdoc2]

Worrying, checking up on, jealousy, are all self esteem issues. Trust is in there also. "Trust" is given until it is broken. If you trust him then you have to give him implied consent to maneuver and do what he does when away from you unless and until you have abject proof that he has broken that trust.

The way a healthy relationship should work is that two independent people join forces for the common good to create and feed a bond between them that is greater than the sum of its two parts. We give to the other in order to receive and that is quite different than taking what we want at the other's expense. Each person in the partnership needs to have his/her space to do their own thing and to bring any positive aspects from these experiences back to the relationship. It doesn't matter if it is work, a fishing trip, an outing with the girls, playing a sport--whatever the two of you do by yourselves.

You pick fights, yet you trust him. If so, then why fight? It is your insecurity over what you perceive as his likelihood to do what (some) guys do. Well, until he gives you proof of such behavior then you have to nip this in the bud right now and stop this. If he is showering you with attention, taking care of the relationship's business, and otherwise doing what is required of him then you have to "KNOW" that all is A-OK until it becomes obvious that it isn't. It is really you who you do not trust.

As for fighting: this is immature. Instead of "fighting", talk things out and have a discussion. Problems are solved two ways; first, with information; second, by negotiation. "Negotiation" is defined as giving the other person as much as you can without giving up anything of importance. Find a solution that you can both be happy with and move on. Lastly, do not go to bed mad. Nothing bad will happen if you stay up all night and work through a problem.

Nitpicking and arguing over little things is a way to drive a wedge between a couple. If there ever is an issue that requires a policy change then pick your battles. If you must fight, choose wisely and have all your facts lined up. Practice by arguing the other person's side before you have this conflict.

If you want him to be happy, then treat him like he is the most important thing in your life. Guys are simple: feed us, sex us, make us feel important, and we will melt in your arms. He won't have any need or desire to stray and you'll be enjoying both aspects of this. It's a win, win-win, strategy I heartily recommend you begin adopting.

[Brandye]

Jealousy says more about yourself than about the partner.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Jealousy is for losers, so by being jealous, you are simply marking a big fat red L on your forehead for all the world to see.

How to stop it?

Step One:
Look around you. See anyone just like you? No, you don't. There is NO ONE anywhere who is just like you. You are unique. You are your own special mix of the good, the bad, and the indifferent. Accept it. Embrace it!

You are the one, the only, "accept no imitations", certified Meeshellow!

Step Two, Part A:
Learn to separate sex (physical) from love (emotion). It isn't hard to do. What you have been taught about sex and love is wrong. Just that. Wrong. Women no more need to love someone to enjoy sex with them than men do except that most have been taught to think that love is required. You can love without having sex; and you can have sex without having love.

Step Two Part B:
No one's sexual style is exactly like anyone else's. Even with the same partner, sex is never the same. Each person's style is unique. Each time sex is unique. The point being cheating is a non-issue. Your style is your own to share or not as you will with whom you will. You own only yourself. He owns only himself. If you want him, fine; as long as he agrees and vice versa.

Step Three:
This is your time to date as many men as you can talk into it. You are not married. Your have little experience with men. Now is the time to get this experience and to explore just what qualities you require in a man for something as serious as marriage. Stop being exclusive! Play the field! You do not have to have sex with all of them or even with any of them. Get out there and learn how to deal with them and how to handle yourself so you stop having stupid tizzies over nothing - which is exactly what you are doing now. Sorry to have to disagree with dancingdoc2, but men are not all that simple. They are individual unique people too and you have to learn to recognize and learn to deal with them on an individual basis.

Time for you to "step up" and grow up!