Cheated On

[PaulOrama]

Hey everyone. Its been awhile since I've posted on here, but here it goes.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 years now. Two nights ago she accompanied two of her friends to their work party at a restaurant downtown. I was invited but I've never enjoyed work parties so I declined. She called me that night slurring her words, obviously quite drunk. Once more her friend who was driving had also been drinking some... something we've fought about a lot in the past. I was upset because I was unaware they'd be drinking (none-the-less driving) but after that night I got on her about her friend who was driving and got over it.

Since that party 2 nights ago and up until tonight I hadn't seen her and had only talked to her a very few times (very uncommon for us). On my way to her house I got a text message from her saying "I feel guilty". Once I got to her house I asked what she felt guilty about. Upon asking this her face immediately drops and she tells me that she meant to send that to her friend and tries to change the subject. Now knowing that there's something I'm not supposed to know I refuse to let the topic go until finally she tells me "I stole something"... which was obviously a lie so I continued to ask her what she REALLY felt guilty about. She proceeded to lie to me 2 more times before finally telling me that she had kissed another guy at her friend's work party but promised me that's all she did... seeing her track record of lies so far however, I'm not so sure.

I guess after writing this its more clear than ever what I WANT to do... though it would be nice to have some people to tell me I'm not insane for being as upset as I am. Upon hearing the news and talking for just a few brief seconds I proceeded to stand up and leave... and maybe I threw a picture of us kissing against a wall in the process...

I'm usually a very quiet guy, which makes me being so upset surprising even to me. I feel absolutely cheated. I've done so much for her. Just recently she was in a serious car crash and she can't afford a new car so I've been driving her everyone she needs to go even though she lives all the way across town.

Meeting new people can sometimes be challenging for me and I'm afraid to let go of this as it's the most serious relationship I've yet to be in... if that is even what I should do!?

Thank you so much for reading all of this... I tend to be a bit long winded even when I tell stories in person. Any advice/comments are GREATLY appreciated!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Well, you're an easy man to get rid of, I must say! A temper tantrum over a measly kiss?!?!

Let her go, buddy! And DON'T get into another relationship until you learn to not be so jealous and possessive because you have to learn that YOU DO NOT OWN GIRLFRIENDS. A wife is another thing altogether, but girlfriends - no. You have only those rights she cares to GIVE you - you can't take them just because you say the 'magic word' boy/girlfriend. That's not good enough!

You also keep a tally of favors done, favors earned, you bear/hold grudges, want to pick and choose her 'friends' for her, lay down the law to her, and you throw temper tantrums where you break things. All HUGE red flags.

Yes, let her go - not because she 'cheated' (pffft) but because you're a controlling jerk who shows some signs of being a possible abuser.

[PaulOrama]

There is no part of me that thinks I "own" her EvilEvilKitten. I'm fine with her guy-friends and I don't get upset when she drinks or parties... I just don't like getting called at 3am and randomly hearing her in that state with her friend driving drunk. And I actually like most of her friends, including the two she went out with this night, and the ones I don't like I don't say a word about. I suppose by your measure that's being a jerk though.

And I agree that by simply calling yourself a girl/boyfriend there are no implied rights. But we have discussed what we would be OK with and the boundaries we would respect.

Also, the only reason I mention things I've done is not because I keep some "tally" of my successes and her failures as you suggest... but because I feel like all of the things we've done for and with each other are now less meaningful somehow... that being the reason I'm posting here.

I have to say that this makes the first time I've been called an "abuser" and been accused of throwing "temper tantrums". I've never hurt... well anything or one. I don't even like raising my voice much less this.

Quite honestly I take offense to your accusations. I appreciate any advice you might have but I would appreciate it if you would refrain from throwing such damaging and personal accusations around because your idea of a serious relationship differs from mine.

[curious_woman]

You've been in a long term relationship.

ONE kiss.
While drunk?

Yeah upsetting I guess...get over it she loves you or she wouldn't have been with you so long. It was just a kiss.




Move on and forgive her, or end the relationship.

[Voodoo Sex Doll]

Your trust in this girl has been seriously shaken. I won't tell you to stay with her, or even to dump her now. What I will tell you is that there are a few questions that you will need to ask yourself...

1. Can you spend time away from her without constantly thinking that she is doing something she shouldn't be doing? (i.e. being involved with someone else)

2. Can you speak to her without suspecting that she is always deceiving you or filling you with lies?

3. Do you see yourself constantly bringing this issue up whenever you feel the slightest bit insecure in the relationship?

4. Can you let go of needing and probing for more information on said incident?

5. How is your life improved by being with her (sex aside)?

6. How will your life change without her (again, sex aside)?

There is no right or wrong answer to any of these. And our first response is just to answer them right away. But, I think it is best to mull them over. Observe your behaviors and really think about what it is that your mind, body, and soul are telling you before you hastily move through them and make your final decision.

Once you have your answers for yourself, then you'll need to determin if it is something that you, and she, together can live with and work through (together). If you decide you can, then you will need complete agreement from her to work on this with you. If she is unwilling, I'm sorry to say, there is nothing more you will be able to do. You will either need to just live with it, or without her.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by PaulOrama

I just don't like getting called at 3am and randomly hearing her in that state with her friend driving drunk. And I actually like most of her friends, including the two she went out with this night

This part of your statement would cause me to say "see you" since she is demonstrating less then sufficient judgement. Obviously, she has no regard for her own life, her friends, or others on the road...

[EvilEvilKitten]

If you don't like it - then don't tell me "and maybe I threw a picture of us kissing against a wall in the process..." That kind of behavior is COMPLETELY juvenile! The coy way in which you said it is CLASSIC abuser - so if you DON'T want to get the label - STOP asking to be stamped with it. You threw a temper tantrum - gentlemen never do that.

"Meeting new people can sometimes be challenging for me and I'm afraid to let go of this as it's the most serious relationship I've yet to be in... if that is even what I should do!?" Tough.

You set your boundaries [sic] and now you have to live by them. YES, you have to walk away from this relationship and NOT go back. `Should make you more cautious about setting boundaries, and more cautious when selecting women.

I gave you excellent advice: this is how you appear to people. Is that how you want to appear? No? Then FIX those huge red flags instead of arguing with me.

[Doom Bat]

Just let go if that's what you really want. You sound like every typical guy who lands himself in his first high school relationship and is afraid of letting go before going to college. If this is your first real long term relationship and it lasted 3 years then congratulations you did more than most people do their first go around.

Now that you've learned from this relationship you can apply that knowledge when meeting new people. It's hard meeting new people? Yeah, welcome to the club, buddy. I agree with EEK on the "Tough" statement. I have a hard time meeting new people, but trust me it gets easier with practice.

I think you're just hiding from your fears of meeting new people by trying to cling to this relationship. Yes, you sound clingy which is a very dangerous road to go down with people. -Nobody- likes the clingy weirdo hanging on them.

This was a minor offense in my opinion, but the way you're treating it I think deems you a reality check in where your relationshp stands. Are you really still happy with this person after three years? There are so many other people out there. I'll leave you with an awesome quote I found somewhere:

"There are 6.5 billion people on this planet, 53% of which are women. Now, statistically speaking you have a better chance of being struck by lightning 3 times in your life before finding the 'one', so get out there and meet people."

[Ducy]

The best tip I've learned...be semi playful when talking to girls or meeting new ones....for instance when I first get through my nenrvousness around someone new, I sorta do it in a joking fashion...litlle grin on my face a jokke here are there...not only does it help me shake off the nervousness, its a great ice breaker.

[PaulOrama]

EvilEvilKitten it seems that you are the only one who chooses to perceive me that way and I'm sorry you do.

Everyone else thank you so much for your advice. After I got off work today we met up and talked about everything. We've both apologized to each other and have agreed to take things slow and see how we feel. Voodoo your questions were extremely helpful and I've thought about them ever since reading them. The answers I eventually found myself at are the reason we've agreed to try to stay together.

Doom Bat's comments really made me ask myself if I was hiding after all. What I eventually came down to was that while our relationship did begin in high school, we've managed to get through 2 years of college together and still be amazingly happy... beyond this event. Both of us have had chances to bail out as we've both met new people since going to our respective schools (which are relatively close to one another - a coincidence, nothing we planned) but we've both decided to stick through it.

I understand that this was a mistake and I know she regrets it. This is the most serious thing our relationship has yet to be put through and while at first I was terribly upset and asking myself "how could she do this" and the such... I now hope that it's something we can get through together, starting off slow.

Thank all of you again.