Problems getting/keeping erection with new partners

[Peter22]

Hey. This is really embarrassing guys.
Apparently this is a BIG taboo amongst men... or... maybe Im just all alone?

I have had this problem the entire time I have been sexually active, which is a over 7 years now. I am currently 23.

The problem is that I cant get an erection with new partners. I really can't.
I have my own theories about this though...
It might be because when you get a new partner you spend a long time kissing and cuddling before getting down to business. I seem to get hard basically at the first kiss, which is easily HOURS before the erection is actually "needed". I have tried suppressing the erection to "save energy"... it doesn't really work... and puts loads of strain on my ability to concentrate. .. hehe..

I know many of you might read this thread and immediately think... low self-esteem. It might be... but I REALLY dont suffer from this in ANY other field.

MAybe Im stressed?... Well... maybe. It seems that the solution to this is relaxing more. taking it easy. But this would seem to drag the whole process out even further leading to even more requirements on the erection?

Health? Well... I live a healthy life. Enjoy walking and hiking. I am a vegetarian(vegan), and I never eat processed food. No milk... and no eggs. And Im still pretty young. I had this problem as a non vegetarian as well, so dont try to point to Vitamin B12 or Iron... (I gots those covered anyway...!!!).

Trust. I guess this seems like the right reason when I say I dont have problems getting erections with non-new partners. But I do honestly really trust in some of these people... and I have once tried having sex with someone new... whom I wasn't very attracted to... and the erection came promptly. This might suggest the stress time answer.

Ok Ok... Thats was a lot of writing... but... listen. One of these reasons might be the right one... or maybe a combination. My big question is... What do I do about this?
The foreplay thing is hard to do anything about. Should I tell the girl before hand not to drag it out?... no of course not! Should I force her?... of course not. One time will have to be the first with a girl ... and there will usually be more foreplay that time.

I have also been thinking about seeing a doctor about this, and maybe getting pills to get over the first hurdle. What do you guys think about this?

Hope you guys can help me.

thanks for reading

Peter22

[sera300]

Apparently at some point in time you get it to work. I'd say it's either too much foreplay or nerves. There are times when getting to bed with a new partner when you just don't work well together...takes the second time or so to get the swing of it. Eventually as you know your partner better you know what/how they enjoy.

Or your just waiting too long...but as I said somehow you must be working it out.

[dancingdoc2]

> Hope you guys can help me. thanks for reading

Hello Peter, welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating.

> 1) The problem is that I cant get an erection with new partners. I really can't.

> 2) I seem to get hard basically at the first kiss, which is easily HOURS before the erection is actually "needed".

> 3) Trust. I guess this seems like the right reason when I say I dont have problems getting erections with non-new partners. But I do honestly really trust in some of these people... and I have once tried having sex with someone new... whom I wasn't very attracted to... and the erection came promptly.

You have presented three conflicting scenarios. Where and what is the common denominator? As you state them, #1 and #2 cancel each other out. As for #3, how long into a relationship does the problem go away?

From reading between the lines, (a risky thing to do) what really seems to be happening is that you can and do get an erection early on, yet it subsides at some point during the extended make out session. Is this correct, Peter?

> The foreplay thing is hard to do anything about.

WRONG.

> Should I tell the girl before hand not to drag it out?... no of course not!

CORRECT.

My take on your situation is that your approach and technique are incorrect. First, there is much a couple can do with regard to Foreplay.
Second, extended make out sessions followed by foreplay benefits both parties. Making out for a minimum of half an hour (longer if convenient) is necessary in order to help a woman build her arousal. Although not the requirement it is for women, this time and effort are also beneficial to the man.

Is your concern that your erection appears at the beginning and that you cannot maintain it for hours? If so, then you are not being realistic. Erections come and go, witness what happens throughout your day. This begs the question: so what if I loose an erection while playing games with my favorite sex partner?

Making love should not be about what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other. A make out session consists of Necking, Petting, Heavy Petting, followed by Foreplay and including everything that came before. The process "peats" and repeats, and evolves throughout the session. If an erection subsides one or more times, so what? Just have fun rebuilding it. This should not be a blow to your manhood, sense of worth, or, esteem. It is what it is, a natural process that can be recaptured.

In addition to this is the misguided assumption some young fellas have that the way to build an orgasm is through lots and Lots and LOTS and LOTS of stroking. I'm not suggesting that you believe this, I'm only stating this because if your girlfriend rebuilds your erection and continues the stimulation in order to bring you to the brink of an orgasm, that this is the time to begin intercourse. My point being that the two go hand-in-hand with great benefit and continuity.

As a new member of our community, I wish to point out the Index that is listed in the Board Notices section at the top of the main screen. Please click on this and read through the many informative articles that it contains. I believe you will find a lot of insight, knowledge, and help with all of this.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[EvilEvilKitten]

You are NOT alone and it does happen to most men.
Anxiety, usually.

[Peter22]

Thanks for your responses. Much appreciated.

Ehm... dancingdoc2
Your right... I DO indeed contradict myself. What I wrote was mere theories of mine. Things I have maybe tried to improve on myself.
I guess I build these theories on what I see as differences between me with a new partner.. and me with a long term partner. Was just trying to be a bit... well analytical.

I have, without a doubt, some kind of idea that it isn't proper sex if I don't penetrate. And I feel that there is something deeply emasculating about it...

The thing is... I can only remember ONE time where I didn't have a problem getting and maintaining an erection with a new partner... and that was with someone I wasn't attracted to...
I know what this would suggest... anxiety... performance anxiety. I need to relax.

I have been aware of this as a possible cause for a while... but I am totally unable to do anything about it. I feel I need to experiment...

For example. Men in here will probably know that an erection can be helped slightly by tightening some muscles down there. When the erection starts, you really want to tighten these muscles... once this is done once, the erection kinda goes into a new stage. It feels to me as though it really "starts" from here. If you can withstand the urge to do this, you can basically withstand an erection... Well... atleast.. I think... In theory. Anyway.. the point is that I have been trying to withstand a bit to maybe save energy or... well... I was just wondering if it would help.
It didn't...

I also try to give it time sometimes, by, once we get naked, I go down on her for a while. This turns me on quite significantly. Although it doesn't seem to have any influence on the erection.

... I can actually get an orgasm when masturbating on myself in this state... but never really with a proper erection.

ehm...

Cheers kitty.. always nice to hear.

[EvilEvilKitten]

The cure is to spend more time with your partners both in and out of bed.

[Peter22]

Thanks kitty...

I guess I just have to accept it. Every time I run into this... "wall" I make myself feel even worse which I suspect is not helping.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Yes, guys tend to do that.

First - stop apologizing for it.
Second - when it happens go immediately to body worship and full on outercourse.
Third - take your time with her that first time - focus upon learning her desires.
Fourth - please her. This takes away the anxiety because if you know you can please her when you're 'inoperative' then you KNOW you'll be able to WOW her when you're working.

[Peter22]

Actually... that seems to be what I am doing at the moment. Even though I know I kinda need more time, my overwhelming lust just cant help me from trying... or doing other things.

Last weekend I was together with a girl I have known now for 7 years... on off... but we have never really been... intimate with each other. I am not quite comfortable with her on THAT level yet.
I simply couldn't hold back even though I knew I might not actually be able to ... penetrate, but I still found myself being the one pushing for sex.
I really enjoy going down on girls, and after loads of foreplay I found myself doing this for well over 2 hours with breaks... She very much enjoyed it all the way...but later... when we talked she felt quite sad that I was the only one doing any work. She wanted to please me.
I guess I saw the positive in my situation before. "It shifts my focus and might even enhance my abilities"... but I guess I forgot that sex is just as much giving as receiving. Unfortunately the prospect of her being able to please me in the longer run, is not a possibility due to geographical constraints. So I guess it is just here and now.

If this is something women generally feel, then perhaps postponing sex completely would be a better option than diving half way in? Although... I don't really see it as halfway because I myself THOROUGHLY enjoy investigating her body, tasting her, playing with her and feeling her excitement. But sometimes women don't really buy this????

[EvilEvilKitten]

Women want to please just as much as you do. Enjoy it!