He Acts So... Deserving?

[jordan]

I don't post much, but this is really bothering me and maybe you guys can give some good opinions.

As some background - I started dating a pretty good friend of mine 4 weeks ago. We've known each other for a long time, but I was in a serious relationship so things were platonic between us for a long time.

Anyway, I found out he was a virgin (at 22) which was suprising because he's a popular guy, very outgoing, cute, and doesn't have any moral objection to it. So - I was his first, which seemed very special and I thought was nice because we were friends first, etc. etc. (For the record, I'm no sex god but I've had 4 partners so I'm not a novice in the sack).

Needless to say he was excited about having sex (and lots of it) which I didn't mind - but it's like he honestly doesn't care about making it good for me at all. Most mornings if I wake up next to him he'll just kinda rub his boner along my back until I finally roll over and then just climb on. I'm all for spontenaiety... but seriously? "Taking care" of his morning wood is not my idea of a fufilling sex life. I've tried asking him to take it slower - tried telling him that I can't just wake up and be "in the saddle"... but to no avail. Unless I go so far as to tell him what to do (Hey baby, kiss me first!) there is no initiative.

Then... this morning he asked if I would mind shaving "the rest"... which really wasn't much to begin with. I'm not a huge fan of the bare-down-there look because in the past I've had alot of itching and burning (I'm a horse trainer for a living and it just causes irritation) but I was more than anything shocked at the fact that this guy (the virgin as of 5 days ago!) would have the audacity to ask me to "go bare".

I'm so dissapointed because he's a good friend of mine and I didn't think this was the direction things were heading. Plus, I don't usually move this quickly with a guy but it just seemed so.... right.

Anyway, anybody have different perspectives? Am I reading too much into this behavior? Any guys wanna respond? (Particularly to the lack of foreplay question... what to do about that?)

Thanks for any opinions... sorry that was such a book.

[oedipussy]

Nope, no different perspectives - this guy's a loser. I say kick him to the curb and never look back. How much more of this are you willing to put up with? You can't get those 4 weeks back, but at least you can stop wasting any more of your time with this boy...

[emilie]

Take some assertive action and tell him point blank (not while you're doing it) exactly what your issue is, be sensitive and complimentary about what he is doing right and what you need from him to make it more fufilling.
He's not a mind reader, he may think he's doing a great job.
Speak up during sex and vocalise what you want him to do.

If he doesn't care... launch him.
A relationship is a 2 way street.

[cyclefreak]

Well, he's still very inexperienced, so I guess he hasn't learnt much about foreplay. He should be more considerate though, and at least be willing to learn. I would suggest that you refuse his demand that you shave completely, and then you tell him directly what you expect in terms of foreplay. Your next action would then depend on how he reacts to that. If he responds positively, and makes an effort to learn, then maybe he is worth going on with (maybe!). If he doesn't accept what you say, though, and just keeps making demands of you then it shows he is a very inconsiderate person who is only interested in his own gratification, and you would be better off without him.

[browneyedgirl]

It seems possible that maybe he is trying to fulfill you by having sex all the time... maybe he thinks it's what you want? It seems like maybe he's trying to make up for lack of experience. But seriously, you need to have a conversation with him and discuss your issues and what you want out of the relationship. It seems to me like the problem also has to do with the fact that you wanted this to be more of a "special" relationship where he might see it as an opportunity to have sex with a friend. Find out what he wants, let him know what you want, and see where the dialogue leads you.

[sera300]

I think this guy knows no different. If you do not make a change and say it's like this or that & I like this or that then time to move on. BUT you need to speak up. Sex may not be his forte but kindness & pleasing the other person should be.

[Doom Bat]

My suggestion is you don't do these talks the "morning after." If you continue to have sex with him after you've tried telling him what he's doing is wrong then you're just giving him rewards for his continuous bad behavior. It's kinda like training a dog, really. If you give the dog a treat no matter what it does when you're trying to teach it to "sit" then it will never learn that what you want it to do is "sit" as opposed to "run around like an idiot."

He seems kinda demanding and dense too if you've already tried talking to him about it and he still doesn't listen. I agree more with Odei in this situation and just ditch the sexual relationship if he doesn't learn quick that he needs to reciprocate in sex, and that you're a living being, not his hand.

[Ducy]

Give him a week....Why?

Speaking from my personal experience,

It took me a while before I got sex down pretty good. I mean I would jump the gun when it comes to foreplay...i would start before her engine was fully warmed up...Then I would thrust fast and make her cum ASAP...(she cums easily but its usually like a twitch...nothing good)

We have really good communication, so it wasnt anythiing strained...Basically during a nice little cuddle session she just started talking about it and she flat out told me I am too quick...I need to take my time with foreplay and thrusting. So i did...

If a heart to heart doesnt work....then you can always do what she thought of doing...(In the middle of sex, have him pull out, and say look you either get my engine hot or your penis stays dry )

[dancingdoc2]

Hi Jordan. The replies so far are darn good. I would hold off on kicking him to the curb for a few days in order to see if the suggestions about helping him to learn about the world of Eros work. I agree that as a person new to all this and perhaps relationships as well, that he just has no knowledge to go along with his lack of experience.

My suggestion is to begin talking to him about how you feel a relationship should operate, then, invite him to read the many how-to articles listed in the Index. Next, work together to build a working relationship with some guidance from you. If you decide to do this, watch out for the fragile male ego and do not make your guidance maneuvers directives; instead, try suggestions and planting ideas for the two of you to try. If necessary, tell him why. We are linear thinkers yet have trouble going from A to B to C unless someone connects the dots for us.

After reading the articles in the Index, if you need more help, then get a sex manual. A long time best seller is "The Joy of Sex". This book has been in stores for years and has been updated several times over the decades.

Please tell us what your think about our replies and then if you would like more ideas or suggestions, please let us know.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Don't tell us - TELL HIM!