Anyboy else in the same situation?

[remediosthebeauty]

I'm a 20-year-old female, and I've never really had a boyfriend. I had a very short relationship with a guy who was older than I was, but had to leave a month later to join the army. I wouldn't have predicted that I would date a guy like him, but in retrospect I think that I really liked that we were very different. But...that is all the guy contact I have ever had, and that was over 3 years ago. It took me a long time to get over him -- we have kept in contact, but he got stationed far away and now I go to college across the country, so we just aren't ever in the same place at once. I really never got closure on the entire thing.

I'm very driven and serious about school, and everything that I do. I attend an elite all-women's liberal arts college across the country. I do study a lot, but I also have a lot of friends, and I'm social. I am the type of friend that everybody tells their problems to. I wouldn't say that I'm drop-dead gorgeous, but I put a lot of thought into my appearance, and I'm interested in fashion. I'm not the type of person who can ever just walk outside with sweatpants on, without makeup.

At college, it seems that everybody just "hooks up" with someone every weekend and leaves it at that. I can't be like that -- I'm shy around the opposite sex, but I do open up. My friends tell me that I have very high standards, and I suppose that is true, but those standards aren't about appearance. Instead I like to know a person and consider them a friend before I am intimate with them. I essentially fell in love with a guy that I worked with last summer, and I felt like he definitely returned my crush. However, he has a serious girlfriend. It just became too hard for me to even be friends with him even though I thought he was such an amazing person, because of those feelings that he couldn't return. This really hurt, so I suppose since then I have had my guard up.

I'm young, and I would like to date people and have fun! However, guys don't just come up to me at parties...ever. Guys never ask me out on dates, or even admit to anyone that they like me. And I attend a women's college....so I don't get to know guys in day-to-day life, so that could be part of the problem. But it's frustrating...I'm beginning to feel a little bit like a love pariah with my 21st birthday coming up this year, and I'm still a virgin, still have never had a boyfriend, etc.

Is anybody else in this situation? Were you in this situation and overcame it? How? Is this uncommon?

Thanks!

[maupassant]

Well, what a delightful lady you are! I reckon you should stay focused on your liberal arts studies. Get your qualifications. The right guy will come along. Don't force it. Socials and 'hops' aren't always the best place to find the man of your dreams. Surely there are visits to theatre etc as part of your course? At least then you know your are mixing with like-minded blokes.
What do you do at the liberal arts College??

[Brandye]

You are far from alone and you seem to have your priorities established. Take the time while still virgin to get a good exam and the HPV shots. The, live your life. If you always wait for them to approach you, you may wait a long time. You are likely very appealing to some men who feel much the same aas you. And suffer the same frustrations. Make the approach yourself. Certainly there are subjects you can bring up to just get talking. That leads to a cuppa and that leads anywhere.

[Thresher_V]

Even though I'm a guy, I've been in a similiar position. Just don't do anything crazy to get attention. You might not know it, but there are guys out there who are interested in you but are too afraid to ask you out. Just listen to their conversations and see if they have the similiar interest as you, then chime in your 2 cents worth. Get to be their friend first and then "freindly" ask to go to a movie. Just don't do what I did and expect every relationship to be "the one", it just ends in disaster. Well I hope this helps, later...

[EvilEvilKitten]

All very nice but now time to get real.

Men do not approach you because you are sending them 'stay away' signals. That would be my bet. You hang out with the girls. You don't talk to men if you can help it. If you meet their eyes you quickly look away. You turn away from them. And more than most likely, your body language says "uptight and no fun". No matter how good you look, men fear rejection just as much as you do, so they'll take your message and will "stay away".

Men are NOT monsters. Men ARE people, just like you are a person. No better. No worse. Just people. You can stop being trapped by your fear.

STEP ONE:
At the next 'hop' try this. Look at every guy there. Just look at him. Think what is good, what is bad, what you think is okay about him. File that away for now. You do not have to discuss what you're doing with the girls. Just quietly do it. Then consider which of them seems to the most approachable. This would be the one who noticed you looking him over and smiled at you.
Slowly wander, talking with others on your way, over to him. Then say "Hi, I'm _____." and give him your hand to shake. Carry on a nice gentle conversation, any topic will do, for about 10 to 15 minutes. Then say "Nice meeting you, ___." offer him your hand to shake goodbye and wander back to your original seat.

We're just talking here! Nothing sexual. Nothing too forward. We're just talking.

STEP TWO:
Ask questions. "What are you studying?" "What are your plans after graduation?" Ask questions about art, music, fashion - as in "What do you think of Gucci's latest collection?" Doesn't really matter what you ask or what he answers - what you are doing is getting over your fear. Regardless of the topic LISTEN to his answer and then comment on what he said. Follow-up.
Once again , no more than 30 minutes! "Nice seeing you again, ___." offer him your hand to shake goodbye and then stroll away.

Each 'hop' pick out a new man to talk with after talking with the men you met previously.

If they ask for your email or your phone number, say "Let's leave that for next time." and smile when you say it. Then do the "Nice to have met you, __." and exit stage right. If it IS the next time, you may give him either if you want to. If you don't, say "I'd rather not, just yet, ___." and then proceed with your graceful exit. Be sure to pause slightly and to smile before saying "just yet." You want to appear friendly but not shy or in a hurry.

By doing this procedure, you will, over time, learn to overcome your fear of men; earn a reputation for having gentle and exquisite manners; for being approachable; the men will LIKE you - and as a PERSON.

Should some fellow misbehave: that's easy. You pretend he doen't exist. Walk away. Erase him from your mind. You do not answer his emails. You do not answer his phone calls. You have nothing to with him ever again. You're a lady and ladies, naturally, only know gentlemen. PERIOD.

Do not worry about approching men at a 'hop' - no man is going to be mean to a lady who approaches him under such circumstances. It would immediately kill his chances with all the other women there if he did. If he didn't want to meet women, he would not have come. So relax and give this system a try. It does work quite well.

Let me know how it goes for you. Then we'll move on to further lessons.

[Doom Bat]

I can definately relate with you on this sort of thing. I'm 21, single, never dated, virgin, yaddah yaddah, etc.

I think EEK's advice is sound. I especially relate with the "stay away signals" that girls send out to the party. A good way to catch it is when you see a group of girls, approximately 4-6 and they are in what I call "The Circle of Doom." This is when girls gather in a circle for "girl time" at a social event (for some insane reason). Usually the grouping is maybe one or two of them have either boyfriends or "aren't looking" or something to that effect, so they will essentially cockblock both their girlfriends and the guys approaching the group because they are "looking out for them" or want them to be as lonely as they are. It's a completely understandable situation to look out for your girlfriends. Guys look out for their friends all the time, and girls should do it too, but your friends can hold you back too.

If you want to meet people, as I am slowly learning, you need to have the air of "fun" about you at all times. When you enter the establishment what's the first thing you should do? Smile! Smiling is a huge social stimulation in all human interactions. Ever try and get a baby to go to sleep by looking at it in the face and smiling? No! You don't make eye contact or any real out-landish facial expressions so it will get bored and fall asleep. That's another big thing as well: Eye Contact! It is so frustrating to be talking to somebody and have them be looking elsewhere or not paying attention at all. It's insulting really if they feigned interest or asked you something and then do this. I have experienced this countless times, and I don't stand for it anymore (I call girls out on it now if they do it to me).

Trust me, you girls are light years ahead of us guys when it comes to social interactions, usually. I mean, I have to degrade myself to reading books and asking for advice on how to talk to/attract women. It's something of a doom for those of us who are driven and serious about school. We don't put social interaction as a high priority (which I don't think is a bad thing at all, in fact we're gonna be the most desirable people out on the market after everybody's first divorces :P).

From a shy college guy who has his nose in a book more often than in a girls pants, approaching a girl can be the hardest part of the whole interaction. Especially if she is giving off the vibe of "I don't want to talk." Trust me, if you approached a guy, you would probably take him a little off guard, especially if he is a shy guy. So, when you do approach guys you should be smiling for one and just strike up harmless conversation. Something situational is always good since it's something you two can immediately relate to and give your seperate opinions on the subject, and then from that you could move into other topics.

Sorry for the long winded post, I'm almost done. Just one more thing:

Concerning the "hook-up" mentality. I don't think you should fear it as much as you do. A lot of people in college aren't looking for baggage and are mostly just horny and want to a stress relief or some sort of release. Also, great things can come from a hook-up. One of my good friends met his current girlfriend at a party of his that they hooked up at (they just made out, nothing past that as far as I know). They've been living with eachother for over a year, and they are still very happy together. Hooking-up is just another way of getting to know somebody. I'm not saying make out with every guy you meet, but if you like him a lot and want to let him know, just go for it then. Making out is fun and a great way to show that you're comfortable with him. Obviously, I probably don't need to explain this to you know since you're a girl, heh.

Alright, I'm done rambling. Sorry for the long-winded post.

[sera300]

Gad to see you are getting out doombat! And attempting some of the interactions. While talking to someone if you wish to continue and she looks away...look the same way at what she is looking at, tends to bring women back to reality. If not, find another to chat with and blow her off!

[Doom Bat]

It doesn't happen too often. It has really only happened a few times with a couple people (both guys and girls) and I know them alright. They're friends of friends, so I put up with it. I don't have to see them often so it's not a real big deal (well, I live with one of them, but I just ignore it now).

Yeah, things are getting a little easier. Baby steps .