lost and confused

[maxpayne124]

hey everyone, i believe this is my first post while ive been on this forum for a while now, so hi everyone! but anyway. i've been dating this girl for a while now, almost a year. we were haveing sex after a few months of being together. previously, ive had my fare share of bad relationships that didnt end well. i love her, it was a gut feeling to me. a few months later, i proposed and she accepted. we agreed that wed get married after she finished university, another 3.5 yrs, so its going to be a long engagment. just recently, she's calling off having sex. i asked her why and she said she does not feel like herself anymore. i asked her to expand on it, but said it was hard to explain. i dont understand whats going on. can someone give me some insight to this? i feel abosutely lost, more confused then lost

[Ducy]

There really is no way to tell you whats going on...I mean there is no where near enough info. Personally, I had this happen with my current girl when she went through a phase of finding herself (Sexually) who knows why...really all you can do is talk to her...

[oedipussy]

Let's see - I think this is called "high-school sweetheart" syndrome. She went off to college and got a taste of everything that life has to offer her and now she's reconsidering this engagement thing. Sorry, there's nothing you can really do about it. You got engaged way too soon in your lives...

Sounds like a breakup is imminent. Just remain friends and see where you both are in 3.5 years. Maybe it will work out later, but probably not right now...

[sera300]

I think you need to talk to her more about the matter. I believe what Oedi said is correct. There is no reason to go off to college engaged. Engagements are more for the short term...when marriage is pending, do the right thing and let her go...but you need to have a good chat and part on good terms. Try to be understanding.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Agreed. "High-school Sweetheart" it is.

Your proposal, and her acceptance, was due to Fear of the Future - this being a kind of 'insurance' against future loss. Marry her before you part - sort of thing. Do you see?

What to do? Talk WITHOUT presuring her. Not about having sex. Not about getting married. No pressure. You're a "Stand-up" kind of guy here. You want her to marry you with delight and not out of a sense of guilty obligation. Correct? Correct. Tell her that it is entirely up to her and that you will wait, but NOT forever. If at any time during the next 3.5 years either one of you changes their mind, you expect her to tell you and to accept it if you tell her that it is off.

Then, you move on with your own individual plans for YOUR future. With her or without her, you will have a future. So get on with it. Continue the relationship for as long as it continues but do NOT hang on like grim death. I could tell you horror stories about a man I know who did just that first with one fiance' and then another and another. Now he's 50 and STILL looking for a wife to have children with. Think he stands a chance?

[Doom Bat]

Ouch.

You asked her to marry you while you guys are still in college? I don't think that is is the wisest of choices. I agree completely with everybody who's already responded. You're pulling an Eric Foreman from That 70s Show .

Honestly, if you two are "meant to be" then you guys should be comfortable with just dating through college knowing that, and you should be concentrating on your individual goals until you two are financially and emotionally prepared for marriage.

Being in college, I saw my peers long term/long distance relationships that were from high school disappear after they got a taste for college (albeit, it wasn't too fast, it took about a year in college before they ended). You realize that there is so much more to life than just your little high school romance, and there are so many more people to choose from as well.

Definately follow the advice given here. Do NOT pressure her in any way or you will just drive her away. Marriage should definately be agreed upon with very sound emtional minds that know they are for eachother. Sorry to say, you definately don't have that in high school, and you very rarely see that in college. Don't add to the divorce statistics by jumping into marriage because it sounds like fun.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Aha aaaa! None of that "meant to be" nonsense! Marriage is a serious deal and a situation into which one must go into with one's eyes wide open. If you don't love him/her for his/her flaws, then you don't love him/her enough.