How do you girls want to be approached?!?

[thom888]

Hi

I'm a 27. I have never had a girlfriend, I was always really shy with women when I was younger. I was pressured into a situation where I was supposed to kiss a girl when I was 17. It was a bit of a disaster as it only lasted about 5 seconds, I got ridiculed after it and basically I havent been near a woman since.

I can get on well with girls, I can talk to them if I know and wouldnt say I'm totally shy or anything, its just if its someone I like it becomes all that more difficult. I dont approach women when I am out, which would probably explain the 10 year drought as lets be honest, the vast majority of women like a guy to make the first move.

I work in a hospital as a doctor, theres a girl who works in a different area of the hospital (shes a pharmacist) but would be on my ward quite a lot, most days actually for an hour or two, shes really lovely. Anyway you can imagine a busy hospital ward, people get on with their work and do their own thing, theres not a huge amount of chit chat goes on between staff, except maybe with the nurses who are there all the time.

Anyway I really want to at least try and be proactive with this girl, I've hardly said a word to her bar a few "Hi"s, I mean shes always about but what am I supposed to say?! Why do I have it in my head that if I just go up and say "Hi how are you, how was your weekend, hows things" etc, it will seem like I am being totally overfamiliar with someone I dont know. That said saying Hi and nothing more isnt going to achieve anything is it...

What I would like to know from you ladies is how should I approach it, what way can I get talking to her without seeming like a sleaze or a weirdo. Doctors have this reputation of loving themselves, thinking they are Gods gift etc so surely if I just roll up to her and start talking I am going to look like some cocky twat Doctor whos chancing his arm to get another notch on the bedpost. I mean nothing could be further from the truth!

If I could just get talking to her, relax, get to know her a bit, then maybe ask her to meet for a coffee or a drink outside work sometime? That was to be my plan if I could get past this initial hurdle.

Sorry for the longwinded post, its really **** being 27 and knowing that everyone else my age is either married, or seeing someone, basically with a regular sex life etc whereas I havent even properly kissed a girl yet. Pathetic.

Some advice would be greatly appreciated especially from the ladies. Thanks a lot.
Thom

(PS I've been told that I am a handsome guy on a few occasions by female friends, I wouldnt say I'm confident about my looks but its certainly not the major problem!)

[Brandye]

OK, like others of us, you spent too much time developing your professional competence and your social competence suffered. We are people; you are a people. Not that different in getting going. Surely you have a chance to say, "Let's go get a cuppa." Do not get awkward over who pays, just get to the cafeteria and sit down.

Over the years we have had men and women of your age raising the same issue - how do I meet someone. You have a built in shared area of pharmacology, with this woman, but you each must have some outside interests. Join some social interest groups - cycling, sailing, gardening, whatever. That gives you a chance to talk, opening with a known common interest. These things build on the smallest foundation.

Regrettably, my nearest brush with marriage and two other longer term relationships with men were with other doctors. My present g/f is a midwife. Sound familiar with respect to limited horizons?

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome, Thom, to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating. If you have not already noticed the Index at the top of the main screen, I suggest reading it and several of the relevant relationship articles it points to.

As one M.D. to another, Brandye has as usual provided some keen insight.

Originally Posted by thom888

Hi

I'm a 27. I have never had a girlfriend, I was always really shy with women when I was younger. I was pressured into a situation where I was supposed to kiss a girl when I was 17. It was a bit of a disaster as it only lasted about 5 seconds, I got ridiculed after it and basically I havent been near a woman since.

Why? Because of this, or, because of your schooling and it demands? If the former, ya just gotta know that kids can be cruel and vindictive at any age, and as an older more worldly man, now, you should have recognized this behavior for what it was and have moved past it. If the latter, please do as Brandye recommends. Begin by chatting with the woman who has peeked your curiosity and invite her to lunch, coffee/tea/soda & chat. If all goes well, invite her for dinner sometime later.

If she seems interested, be specific, give a date and time and if she hesitates ask her if another hour or a different day would be better. If she is interested, she will work with you. Before you divulge a restaurant, you can get an idea of what type of food she likes during your general chit chat, earlier.

Women like to be approached with a smile, cheery demeanor, confidence (or the appearance of same), and a question that they and answer and embellish while all you have to do is to LISTEN, perhaps interjecting a question or comment from time to time. Women are generally chatty creatures so, they can keep the lines of communication open and alive for a long time if they know they are being heard.

I can get on well with girls, I can talk to them if I know and wouldnt say I'm totally shy or anything, its just if its someone I like it becomes all that more difficult.

Begin as suggested. When the time comes to return to work or end the encounter, just ask. It is only hard to ask her out because you believe it to be, or you fear rejection. Shucks! Rejection is part of the dating process, so just recognize it for what it is. NBD because you have very little invested emotionally at that point.

I dont approach women when I am out, which would probably explain the 10 year drought as lets be honest, the vast majority of women like a guy to make the first move.

So, what do you believe is holding you back? Practice our recommendations and see what happens by the first of the year or no later than the end of the first week, taking into account the holidays.

Anyway I really want to at least try and be proactive with this girl, I've hardly said a word to her bar a few "Hi"s, I mean shes always about but what am I supposed to say?!

Give her a smile and eye contact. Then think up something creative like, "before you walk out of sight, will you meet me for coffee/tea later? If she seems interested, ask what time would be convenient, or if you have a break, ask her if she can fit it in your schedule.

Why do I have it in my head that if I just go up and say "Hi how are you, how was your weekend, hows things" etc, it will seem like I am being totally overfamiliar with someone I dont know. That said saying Hi and nothing more isnt going to achieve anything is it...

Not likely, unless you follow the "Hi" with a sentence or question. You should have enough information to at least get you off dead center. Give all this the good ol' college try and after you've popped the question, write back and tell us what happened.


Thom

(PS I've been told that I am a handsome guy on a few occasions by female friends, I wouldnt say I'm confident about my looks but its certainly not the major problem!)

Try networking. Let fellow coworkers, family, and friends know that you are interested in dating. The more people you have out "shopping" on your behalf, the better your exposure and chances.

We're a good bunch of people here and several of us are willing to help you out. Now, take the first step........

Good luck.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Social Exercises

#1 - TALK to women without trying to pick them up about ANYTHING. Ask her something. Listen, Respond. We're just chatting here. Practice until you can talk to any woman at all.

#2 - WATCH women for 'signals of interest'. Look for open body language. If your eyes meet and she holds your gaze for 20 seconds before looking away, you're in with a chance. Gently wander over and begin chatting as in exercise 1 above. Women do NOT bite so just sit down and talk like a person.

#3 - ASK her for her telephone number. Wait two days then call and invite her out for coffee at a specific date, time and place. Once again we're just chatting here.

What you will chat about are tidbits relating to your interests, music, literature, etc. or hobbies. You are seeking mutual areas of interest.
Rule 1 is do NOT touch her until she has touched you - hand on the arm sort of thing. You may try a gentle bit of humor during coffee but do not play the clown.

That's enough for now.

[tommy_tucker]

i dont like this 2 day rule. when you talk to her find a day you can do and set it up then. you can text her after that to make sure she is still up for it.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Too bad, whether you like the two day rule or not - it works because it gives YOU a chance to CALM DOWN and her a chance to consider. Getting right up then and there in her face, when she may not have her schedule with her, is being too damn aggressive for most women - they just met you, for heaven's sake! Give the lady some space!

[tommy_tucker]

that said i dont like the rule because it dosnt work every time. there are time when you can say this place at this time but other times when you ring them. when i do it i just play it by ear.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Try actually writing, please. With proper capitalization and punctutiona so everyone can understand you.

Please notice the disclaimers "most women" and "when she may not have her schedule handy" - the OP has a "tin ear" when it comes to women - so telling him to "play it by ear" is not helpful. What I said was NOT how I get men, but it will work for him. Being calm and giving him concrete steps to follow will help him "develop". Do you see?

[Brandye]

The little cat is quite correct once again. Unless I am ready to climb his bones on initial contact, the two day rule will get better results. And if I am so inclined, we can do away with all the niceties.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Thank you, Brandye (said the little cat) and I know exactly what you're speaking of. There have been those men where even telling me his name was too time wasting!