Growing Some Grapes(Not Literally)

[Cherry Cheesecake]

Ok.....first off, I am new here and not entirely sure you guys will be able to help but here goes. I have a MASSIVE and horrible fear of being rejected if I approach a girl I would really like to get to know better. I am nearly 19 years old and have had this problem for several years. I wouldn't consider myself to be repulsive in the looks department and once I get into conversation with people, they tend to find me very likable. I'll be honest, when it comes to women, the teenage years were not kind to me in any way. I was only in one very brief relationship with a girl who was horrible to me in many ways and was just stringing me along for her amusement. This put me off for awhile but when I found the resolve to approach another girl I was interested in, I was shot down instantly. Now this was not just some random girl but a person I had spent a little bit of time with and whom I had thought had an interest in me. This sort of thing has happened constantly over the past few years and I'm not going to lie, it hurts pretty bad. Now it seems like I am afraid to so much as look a woman in the eye for fear of being rejected yet again. I think that I have improved in several areas since the first time, both with my looks and in being more assertive yet I continue to get shot down.

Now to my present scenario. There is a girl that I work with whom I know although not particularly well. We have spoken a few times and she seems like the kind of person I would love to spend more time with. However any time I think I have the nerve worked up, I seems to choke on a lump in my throat. I hate being rejected and she seems like such a great person, I think it would hurt even more coming from her. But I have also let this sort of thing happen before and would hate to have to wonder "what-if" yet again. Well, that's my story, hope it didn't bore you but I would really appreciate any advise for this.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Yes, rejection is tough. Women don't enjoy it either. We do get rejected too.

To begin:

1. Know what sells - that would be confidence and the promise of fun.

Practice by talking to women - any and all women about anything other than sex, dating and relationships. Do not try to pick them up. We're just talking here.

Show some self-respect by dressing apropriately for where you're at and what you're doing and by being clean. Try to look decent. Stand up straight.
Smile and relax. Look around you. Nod or say hello I'm so-and-so to people.

2. Do not set yourself up for rejection. Offer only to those women who show definite signs of being interested in you. Look for open body language.

If she looks you in the eye for 20 seconds - you're in with a chance and she's esp interested if she also smiles, nods, or does that finger twisting a lock of hair thing.

Practice this by visiting your local bars and look at women. See if you can see any of the signs.

3. Do not rush but go to her, introduce yourself ask if you can sit down "is this seat taken?" and then begin talking - just talking. No pressure. Give it 15 mintues. Then before you leave - ask for her phone number. Do NOT ask her out on a date.

4. Wait two days, then call her and ask her out for COFFEE at a specific date, time and place. If she says yes, say Great! I'll meet you there then and then say goodbye an hang up. If she says no and doesn't give you a reason ask her if there's somehting else she'd prefer to do. IF not then she's notreally interested and you can move on. If she wants to but cannot, ask her to specify a date, time when she can. Coordinate your schedules. This phone call should last no more than 15 mintues.

(As for the girl at work - begin at Step 4 only ask her about going out for coffee later, in person, some time during the afternoon.)

5. At Coffee: talk, just talk. Give it 30 minutes or so. Then ask her out on a date.

Do your best to make it sound as if you have never been rejected.

[dancingdoc2]

Beginning at around age 16 and for the next decade, young people should be dating and not attempting to initiate an exclusive relationship.

The whole reason for dating is to learn what humanity has to offer so that when the time comes to zero in on a particular individual, we will be better able to recognize and assess his/her suitability as a life partner. By dating lots of people over time, we learn about character, likes, dislikes, goals, objectives, quirks, and a myriad of other traits that help us determine Ms. or Mr. Right.

Going right out the gate looking for a relationship is problematical at best. The younger a couple is, the more probability there is for angst, heartache, and drama. By dating more than one person at a time, none exclusively, you have more chances for fun, and more opportunities for exploration.

EEK's recommended steps are spot on. Quite often, guys are tongue-tied and do not know how to carry on a conversation. Not to worry. Most women are chatty creatures and given an opening, will carry a conversation with only slight inputs and directional control from the other party. All we have to do is to ask a question and stand back and listen. Then, from time to time, ask additional questions or for a clarification based upon what has been said. Before you know it, 15 minutes to half an hour has elapsed!

On the other hand, a guy shouldn't be in a rush to spill the beans and tell all at one sitting. Play it cool. Reveal enough to make the conversation interesting, and for her to learn more, yet not necessarily all at one time. This strategy does not mean that you hide facts, only that you meter the information over time. Keep her coming back for more....

Key to what is mentioned above is to become a great listener. Understand that many times women simply want to be "heard"--no fixing, no recommendations. You may very well discover that by being recognized as a good listener, you are perceived as a worthwhile friend. Friendships can and do lead to more complex relationships.

So, what to do? While I personally do not like the bar scene, I do understand that it is a place and way to practice human interactions. I'm not sure I'd ask a person to coffee, in the future. This is just me. Another place another person, sure.

Engage your friend in conversation if you find her during a break or at lunch. Join with other coworkers and practice listening and prompting. Let your coworkers, friends, and family know that you are interested in dating and see if they can help you in your search. It's called networking. If you do date this person, date others as well, all non exclusively. It used to be known as "playing the field" and is a very important social and growth oriented activity that seems to be overlooked or discounted nowadays.

Other avenues that will place you with others is to join a social club or sporting activity in which women also participate. If no one seems to suit you, cultivate friendships, at least--AND NETWORK. Your exposure and the help of friends will expand your possibilities making it much easier to find people to date.

Dating today, seems to hinge on finding the first warm body who expresses an interest in us to the exclusion of everyone else. This may afford some sense of security and belonging, yet it severely limits our personal growth and development, not to mention the ability to actually find the best person for us when the time does come to think about settling down.

[machine_rat]

It's all about practice.

Let's say you don't feel comfortable driving around a new part of town, you aren't going to simply one out of the blue day lose that fear, but only after you have toured the area several times.