Rejection...?

[Psychosis]

Hello everyone. There's something that keeps puzzling me and I thought I should get some opinions regarding this type of situation. I hope there aren't similar threads around here.

It's more about dating rather than new relationships, actually )
Let's say that a guy goes out on a date with a quite attarctive girl or woman. He seems like the type of liar who is only looking for sex, so normally he should want to get into her pants. But after a date or two, he keeps telling her that they'll meet again, that he likes her etc, and ends up not talking to her at all.

Why did he change his mind? Or what did he want in the first place?

Is there something appaling about her attitude that simply makes him give up? Because she seems needy, or possesive, or too hard/too easy to seduce? It happened to me and it also happend to my mother... twice.

Of course, in such situations, a woman should feel rejected and unattractive, if she is low on self-confidence. How can we handle these feelings and not let them ruin our confidence for good? Please help.

[oedipussy]

So, are we talking about you here or what? This post was a little confusing...

If it was just two dates and you didn't even like the guy to begin with, why do you even care? Sometimes things just end. It happens. No reason to worry about why or feel bad about it. Needy and possesive? Yep, that'll make people run away from you. FAST. Try changing your goals from chasing after a relationship to just having fun and meeting new people. You might actually find yourself a lot happier for it. And you'll scare away fewer people...

If you were truly confident you wouldn't feel any less confident for being rejected. Your confidence should come from you alone, not from whether people like you or not.

[Psychosis]

Originally Posted by oedipussy

If you were truly confident you wouldn't feel any less confident for being rejected.

I know that :| In fact, that's exactly what I said.

It's about both myself and my mother. We actually liked the guys. It happened to her twice. I don't know what she said to those guys, but they didn't seem to want a serious relationship to me, so I don't understand why they couldn't lie a little more, get what they wanted and then simply get away.

As for me.. I had no pretentions. This guy and I have known each other for a long time and I was sure that it was only my virginity that he was after. Why in the world would someone be possesive with a guy she doesn't even have a relationship with is beyond me. I never did that. :P

So these guys were the kind that said to be decent, looking for love, and so on. They only want sex with most women but what would make them give up? My mother at least seemed desperate enough to accept having sex without too much effort. I just find the fact that they didn't want to have her anymore vrey strange. And I don't understand why.

[oedipussy]

OK, let's try this again... How old are you?

You're both going about this all wrong... You seem to be stuck with the highschool mentality that everything needs to be a serious relationship. Just because someone agrees to go on a date with you, they're supposed to commit the rest of their lives to you? No. Dating is a trial process - just like going to a store and trying on a pair of pants. You're not obligated to buy them if you don't want to. If you're looking to get into a serious relationship with the first person that comes along, chances are you're going to be disappointed, even if they do agree to it. Dating should be about meeting new people, learning about them, enjoying their companionship, and having fun. The journey is what's important, not the destination.

And stop dating one person at a time and putting all of your expectations on them. You're wasting your time with this approach. Need a metaphor? OK - Why are you bothering with a pistol when you could use a shotgun? The more "bullets" you fire the more likely it is that some will hit...

You're here asking us why someone didn't want to continue dating you. A better question would be: Why does it matter? Would it change anything if you knew why? No, it wouldn't. Perhaps (most likely), they just didn't think you were a compatible match.

Or perhaps it has to do with you thinking stuff like this:

Originally Posted by Psychosis

He seems like the type of liar who is only looking for sex, so normally he should want to get into her pants.

Originally Posted by Psychosis

They only want sex with most women but what would make them give up?

Being single means you can do whatever you want with whoever you want. So why are you sitting in the corner moping and doing nothing?

[Psychosis]

I was asking out of pure curiosity. And I am 18. And I AM in highschool.

The thing is, everything you said applies to my mother. She is the one that dates one person at a time and the one who wants a serious relationship with the first guy she goes out with, not me. Unfortunately, there's not much to choose from and there are very few guys that she would even consider having a relationship with. The best are usually taken. :P

I have other things on my mind right now, like taking my exams and going to college, that's why I don't date too much. Hopefully, that will change. And no, it doesn't matter that we liked those guys, what matters is their behavior and the signals they are giving us.

[sera300]

[quote=Psychosis;201799]I was asking out of pure curiosity. And I am 18. And I AM in highschool.

The thing is, everything you said applies to my mother. She is the one that dates one person at a time and the one who wants a serious relationship with the first guy she goes out with, not me. Unfortunately, there's not much to choose from and there are very few guys that she would even consider having a relationship with. The best are usually taken. :P First stop concerning yourself over your moms dating techniques, focus on your own. At 18?? There are plenty of men...date many, do not be serious, get your education, and play. Date exclusively when you found the one--rather let me say it differently; WHEN HE FINDS YOU.

[Ducy]

Let me ask you why does the guy have to be a liar who just wants to get into someones pants? You assume and ask why they just dont lie more so that they can get some.

Just because a man seems a little shady or tells your mother that they will meet again and never does doesnt mean he just wanted some. They may not get along that well, he may not be interested, he may NOT be looking for a serious relationship. And believe me at that age, (mothers age, assuming probabl 40 or so unless she had you at 10) guys aren't just about sex. (Or the ones I know of) They are actually looking for someone to date have fun with (non sexually) or somebody they are compatible with.

[Psychosis]

Well I'm not assuming they were liars that only wanted sex because they said they would meet and never kept their word. I'm assuming they're liars because of the way they talked to her (stuff like I love you, I'm going to take care of you and your daughter forever and so on - before they had even seen each other face-to-face) AND because they had too many excuses and stories which simply started to seem pretty unnatural.:P

I know I wasn't supposed to look at her emails and message archive, but I was and still am concerned. The only man she has ever had in her life so far is my father, so she is not experienced when it comes to men. Plus, the desperate need of affection that she has after her marriage ended (quite traumatic, actually) doesn't let her see things rightly. I know I should have respected her privacy, but since I wasn't involved, I could see things more clearly.

So assuming that those guys only wanted sex.. what could have caused them to change their minds?

[sera300]

The interactions of relationships of those who are older---(yes, a few here) are are quite complicated. Your Mom should be talking to someone about how to choose well, and how to be independent...setting an example for you to follow. Many have had Horrific divorces...we hopefully learn from our mistakes. If not, she will repeat it again...hee choice & you can point this out to her.

Now you, you were not part of the marriage, you were part of the family. See the negative & the positives; when the time come choose your man wisely. Set a high standard...

The dating at an older age is MUCH different then when younger...many come with severe baggage.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay, unless you went on the date with your Mom there is no way to tell what she did or didn't do.

That being said - here are "red flags" that will turn a man off whether he just wants sex or a relationship:
1. bitterness - if she said anything negative about her past relationships
2. mindset of sex = love = lifelong commitment from the start -clingy/needy
3. negative about men in general
4. talks about her problems - they do not want to know - desperate
5. has medical/emotional problems - he is not your shrink.

Her need to be exclusive, one man at a time, also sends the wrong signal.

She should be out to have fun. In order to do that, she has to BE fun.
Laugh, smile, dance - fill the room with JOY!
Got it?
Now pass it along to your mom from one who is very successful with men.
I have two books that might help The Polyamorist and Men which is a primer for women. Contact me to find how to get them.