History problem - my fiance

[Allene]

okay, so here it goes. I am engaged to a wonderful man, so there shouldn't be any problems, but...
we both share a similar history... a family "friend" raped and molested me from the time I was 5 until I was around 15... and one time after a hockey game when my fiance was around 10, a man raped him.
Now we've both known this about each other for a while now, but just last night he told me that when he was younger, he was confused about what he was. He would listen to the spice girls and do a bunch of other girly things until he met me (which was when we were 16). Now, he told me that he never acted on anything with anyone, but still... It grosses me out. I know that I should understand him or comfort him. but I can't. I never thought lesbian thoughts. never. And I know that during sex now, that is all that I'll be thinking about... him doing this with another man.
I don't want to feel these things about him. I love him. But his touch just isn't the same now. Help me. Help me understand him.

[curious_woman]

Pretty much everyone goes through times questioning their sexual orientation. Just because he liked spice girls or "girly" stuff does not make him gay though, what makes someone gay or bi is wanting to have a ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP with the same sex.

Just let what he said go, he's with you now thats all that matters. Has he said hes not going to marry you because he thinks he's gay? No, I doubt that since you sure didn't mention it. He was just opening his heart to you and telling you his past, nothing more or less.

LET IT GO AND ENJOY IT!

[Ephemera]

If you love him enough to marry him then you should be able to let it go.

If it bothers you that much, then you might want to reconsider your future.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Look it is simple - if you love him then you accept ALL of him - the good, the bad, and the indifferent. You also accept his past and his future. There is no other option.

Based upon what you wrote - you love yourself more than you love him. His touch is no different now than it was before you knew of his past. The only thing that has changed is your perception - which makes this post "all about you" i.e. SELFISH.

If you do not want to feel this way - then stop feeling this way. Only you can control your emotions. Change your mindset. There is nothing at wrong with him being indecisive in the past. It is a normal stage of development and you went through it yourself even if you choose not to acknowledge it.

[sera300]

Based on what he said...do not judge him--which you are. Let it go. Move forward & not backwards.

[Brandye]

You have had analogous experience. If anyone should have empathy with either of you, it is the other. Your abuse seems to have been heterosexual; his homosexual. It does not appear to have made a permanent change in his orientation. Looked at it in a disembodied way, he had done to him what you had done to you. You were each forced into female roles. You had the convenience of being female and he had the inconvenience of being male.

What grosses you out? His receiving a man's semen or his liking some feminine things. I wish more of my (male) lovers had a greater appreciation for the feminine. Or are you still grossed out by what happened to you?

[machine_rat]

Instead of basing everything on a small phase he went through while growing up, focus on how he behaves today. Is there anything that he does that leads you to belive that he has any kind of homosexual tendencies?

Not that I'm jumping on the 'claiming-you-are-selfish' bandwagon, but I wonder why you felt the need to bring up the fact that you were assaulted as well. It sounded as if you don't feel he deserved to be traumatized by his lone encouter simply because you had an ongoing abuse.

[Allene]

I'm sorry if I sound selfish and perhaps I am, but I thought that our similar past would allow me to understand him a little better... but when he makes homosexual jokes or acts gay, I have no clue what to do. I can't understand how he jokes about such things (his past), And my up most fear is that some day he may decide to leave me for a man.

I love him so unbelievably much, but I can't figure him out. And If I can't even comprehend why he makes such jokes then how am I to know for sure that he will not wake up someday and realize that he shouldn't be with a woman?

And yes, Machine_Rat, I am completely confused as to how he can be so traumatized over one experience when I'm not.

[EvilEvilKitten]

OH lord, girl - if you haven't figured out that men make light of issues in order to more effectively deal with them - you have a LONG way to go to understanding any of them, let alone him! It is called "morbid humor" and you deal with it by mildly joining in the joke as in "Yes, dear, we'll work on your makeup next week." then pat his hand and move on.

[dancingdoc2]

> And my up most fear is that some day he may decide to leave me for a man.

> how am I to know for sure that he will not wake up someday and realize that he shouldn't be with a woman?

As people age, each evolves. We are often different today than yesterday, a year ago, or decades past. When a couple divorces, it is not always about abuse or irreconcilable differences. People sometimes grow apart and go in different directions as a natural process of maturing and evolving and experiencing new and different things.

When push comes to shove, what difference would it make if he left you for another woman, a man--or to live with a dog? If such a situation should ever happen, it is not about what or whom he is moving toward; rather, what or whom he is moving away from.