Her controlling father - Help please

[rascals]

I have a girl that i have been dating for a while, and before we started going out, we had been crushing on eachother for litterally two years. i love her to death and i enjoy every second i spend with her, but the problem isn't her, its her dad.
He is not her real father but he thinks that he is. his family name is one of the biggest in california, and he thinks that he knows everything, if he is wrong about anything that he says, he will twist the truth in order to make him right. he is way too controlling over her, like she can have a cell phone, but litterally the only person she can call is her dad, also, she is not aloud at my house, to see my mom or dad, or even drive down the street that i live on.
he thinks that he can control my life like he does to her and it pisses me off so much, i try to give him all that he wants cause thats the only way that i will be aloud to see her. if i dont give him what he wants, he has banned me from their house, driving her around, calling her, and walking with her for 2 months i have to kiss his ass constantly in order to see her. and this is never letting up. he also has to buy her love, sence he doesn't have a job, because he gets a check from daddy every once and a while, he thinks that he has to be the most respected person in the world, from that money that he gets from his dad instead of paying off the house morgage or anything responable, he goes and spends it all on new plasma tv's all these little gadgets that he sees on the internet, and his beloved coin collection.
she means soo much to me that i cant even explain, i don't want to loose her for anything, and it seems that the only way to stop this maddness is for her to move in with me, but she is too afraid to leave because of her dad, i have no idea what i should do about this,

help please!

[Brandye]

There is nothing you can or should do. He will take it out on you or he will take it out on her. He will do his best to maintain control.

Perhaps, she could take a stand with her Mum's support. No one knows except those two. Even that sounds like risk - for each and both of them.

To preserve your sanity you can only keep your distance. When she leaves the nest and/or his control is up to her and you really do not really be involved.

[dancingdoc2]

Hello, and welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating.

Your post is one of the most important to appear in quite a while. I do not mean that other questions and concerns on a personal level or immediate need are not, only that in the grand scheme of social interaction your story impacts a greater number of people. Here is my view on the situation:

Originally Posted by rascals

I have a girl that i have been dating for a while, and before we started going out, we had been crushing on each other for literally two years. i love her to death and i enjoy every second i spend with her, but the problem isn't her, its her dad. He is not her real father but he thinks that he is.

Nowadays, the generally accepted definition of a father is the person who steps up to the plate walks the walk, talks the talk, and more importantly, takes on the responsibility--not the person who donated the sperm. The person can be the step parent, the person who adopted the child, and in a few cases, an individual who over a long period of time, has been involved by taking on both the care and the financial responsibilities.

his family name is one of the biggest in california, and he thinks that he knows everything, if he is wrong about anything that he says, he will twist the truth in order to make him right. he is way too controlling over her,

Freud identified this behavior years ago yet as far as I know no fancy psychological name has been associated with the condition. We simply refer to such individuals as "Anal Retentive". The behavior has two characteristics:
First, is that s/he must be in control of and to micro-manage all aspects of their private, professional, and social life.
Second, includes obsessive compulsive behavior.

like she can have a cell phone, but litterally the only person she can call is her dad, also, she is not aloud at my house, to see my mom or dad, or even drive down the street that i live on.
he thinks that he can control my life like he does to her and it pisses me off so much,

Below, you state that one possible solution is for her to move in with you. I gather from this that you are on your own, how old are each of you?

My next questions are how do you spend time together? Where and when? With so many restrictions, how are you able to actually date and have a social life?

i try to give him all that he wants cause thats the only way that i will be aloud to see her.

He is into power and control of things, people and events. There is no real way you or anybody else can deal with him except on his terms. It is either this or for the two of you to be completely autonomous and on your own. More on this, below.

if i dont give him what he wants, he has banned me from their house, driving her around, calling her, and walking with her for 2 months

Is this ban in effect now, or something that he imposed in the past?

i have to kiss his ass constantly in order to see her.

What does he generally want from you?

and this is never letting up. he also has to buy her love, sence he doesn't have a job, because he gets a check from daddy every once and a while, he thinks that he has to be the most respected person in the world, from that money that he gets from his dad instead of paying off the house morgage or anything responable, he goes and spends it all on new plasma tv's all these little gadgets that he sees on the internet, and his beloved coin collection.

Can you tell us what her family structure is? Is this man married, are there other children in the family? What part does your girlfriend's mother play? Is "daddy" her "grand father" and is he involved in her life?

she means soo much to me that i cant even explain,

You do not have to. All of us who are older know your feelings.

i don't want to loose her for anything, and it seems that the only way to stop this maddness is for her to move in with me, but she is too afraid to leave because of her dad, i have no idea what i should do about this,

Please understand that the two of you do have options, although, not many until you decide and are prepared to be your own people, individually. Inviting her to move in with you is one approach, however, I do not believe it is the best move near or long term. Why? Because she needs to find herself and her place in the world as a single adult. This is much more difficult when she is living with a guy.

My recommendation, when she is ready to take charge of her life, and depending upon her immediate goals, be it college or whatever, is to make this happen first. She should begin preparing herself for this eventuality. If she needs to get a (better) job, (female) roommate, bank account, etc., then she should work on these. You can continue to date, yet allow her the time and space she needs to develop an independent life. If you need to find a better job, finish school, or whatever, things you need to do is to offer support on her journey, establish a flush bank account, and have other things in place before getting terribly serious with her or anyone else.

If as part of establishing her independence she requires some financial assistance from her father for school or securing an apartment then these are the breaks for the time being.

This brings up the next scenario. What if any financial benefits will she be giving up if she just totally separates herself from the family? More on point is is she willing to give up any and all future financial ties, like trusts and inheritance? And, having said this, what about continuing social involvements with her mother and other family members? These are all things that she must weigh and consider.

Age and maturity will also benefit her in the future. About all I see you being able to do is to lend her your support, give her this information, and let her deal with it on her terms. At some point she has to stand up and take charge of her life.
When this happens depends upon her age and maturity plus her capabilities and resources now and in the foreseeable future.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You must remember that those who seek control over another in this way are VERY INSECURE persons. They will see even the smallest of infractions as TREASON and react intemperately. The ONLY person who can change this situation is HER and it will be hell and it might expose her to danger - ala O. J. Simpson. Get with her girlfriends and form a team to standby in case of need. That is ALL you can do - standby and wait. Then whisk her off to the nearest woman's shelter.

Goodluck to you both!

[dancingdoc2]

I would agree with you, EEK, if this is an abusive household and not just one of the guy being an Ass, which is another way of describing the AR personality. I've been on the sidelines of two such family dynamics and the men were not physically or verbally abusive, just control freaks. Both families also live in California. One man is extremely wealthy and has founded several start up companies. When things don't go his way, he picks up his toys and leaves the day to day operations to the Boards of Directors. He will fight city hall, family wills, Board Members, and anything else that gets in the way of what he justifies as right. Even though this character hires lawyers he is a fool of a client because he tries to tell them how to do their jobs. I once thought he got off on making the people around him miserable; now I believe he is oblivious to how others are affected by his will, nor does he seem empathetic enough to even care. Is he dangerous, not physically; ruthless, yes where the acquisition of money is concerned.

So, Rascles, evaluate the situation, and if it is as EEK suggests, help get her out; otherwise, just work with her and do what you can to appease him without loosing any self esteem or giving up your sense of what is right and fair.

[demonbuttercup]

And per your previous thread.... DO NOT do anything that could risk getting her pregnant... or you'll really be sorry!

[Ducy]

OH MY GOD....

This sounds like my last relationship lol. Yea the dad is a jackass...there is nothing you can do....just try to grit your teeth through it, I mean it should let up once he realizes you arent going anywhere. I mean it took me almost 6 months till my exes mom let her hang out at my house.

[rascals]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

You must remember that those who seek control over another in this way are VERY INSECURE persons. They will see even the smallest of infractions as TREASON and react intemperately. The ONLY person who can change this situation is HER and it will be hell and it might expose her to danger - ala O. J. Simpson. Get with her girlfriends and form a team to standby in case of need. That is ALL you can do - standby and wait. Then whisk her off to the nearest woman's shelter.

Goodluck to you both!

when you say get with her girlfriends, that sounds like a really good idea and that it would be really good to have somone i can talk to on hand. but the problem with that is that she is not allowed to have ANY friends, the last time she had a friend at her house was almost 10 months ago.

[rascals]

Originally Posted by demonbuttercup

And per your previous thread.... DO NOT do anything that could risk getting her pregnant... or you'll really be sorry!

o ya..... me and her have talked about that alot, we decided that we would never do anything like that in order for her to get out of that house. but the scary thing is that she flat out told me that she would almost be willing to get pregnant just because she knows that her dad will kick her out of the house. but we both know that is prolly one of the dumbest things we can do.

[rascals]

Originally Posted by Ducy

OH MY GOD....

This sounds like my last relationship lol. Yea the dad is a jackass...there is nothing you can do....just try to grit your teeth through it, I mean it should let up once he realizes you arent going anywhere. I mean it took me almost 6 months till my exes mom let her hang out at my house.

what happened that caused you to break up (if you dont mind me asking)