Not as affectionate now - not sure if I should be concerned or not...

[kisstherain379]

In the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend used to be really affectionate and tender, so to speak. He also used to seem as though he appreciated it when I was affectionate towards him, but now that's not so much the case. Now that we've been together for about 4 months, he's not nearly as affectionate--nor is he as affectionate as often. Also, he doesn't quite seem to have the same appreciation for my affection towards him. Is this because he's gotten comfortable in the relationship, and doesn't feel as though he has to shower me in tenderness all the time to "keep me around" because he's knows I love him. Does he not seem to appreciate it as much because it's expected behavior out of me that he's used to? Or could it be something else that I should be concerned about?

[dancingdoc2]

> Now that we've been together for about 4 months, he's not nearly as affectionate--nor is he as affectionate as often. Also, he doesn't quite seem to have the same appreciation for my affection towards him. Is this because he's gotten comfortable in the relationship, and doesn't feel as though he has to shower me in tenderness all the time to "keep me around" because he's knows I love him.

That's it in a nutshell.

He's pursued you, romanced you, won you, and now he's off to other things.

[LoveGems]

If you are unhappy with the fact he isn't as affectionate towards you anymore, then ask him to do it more.

It is exactly as you said, he has probably just became comfortable and thinks that he doesn't have to carry on trying to win you over, because he has already done it.

Just make sure that you both have 'together' time and that there is still affection, other than that you should have nothing to worry about.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

> Now that we've been together for about 4 months, he's not nearly as affectionate--nor is he as affectionate as often. Also, he doesn't quite seem to have the same appreciation for my affection towards him. Is this because he's gotten comfortable in the relationship, and doesn't feel as though he has to shower me in tenderness all the time to "keep me around" because he's knows I love him.

That's it in a nutshell.

He's pursued you, romanced you, won you, and now he's off to other things.

I agree and if this is his behavior after only 4 months; what will it be in 4 years? Honestly, re-evaluate the relationship.

[EvilEvilKitten]

He THINKS he's won you but because you are here asking - he hasn't.

Now is the time, and it will be difficult, to back away from him. Think about precisely what you need from him to continue the relationship. You need to be able to clearly tell him what you want from him in a way that he can understand and accept it. So take this time to seriously think about where you want this relationship with this male to go.

When he asks "what's up?" tell him and then LISTEN to him. Do not let him get away with "I don't know" or similar weasels. Gently and without "blaming" anyone help him open up and be honest with you. Practice learning to communicate effectively and to building/fostering/maintaining relationships.

Then see where it goes.

[kisstherain379]

He just doesn't seem too excited about me in general anymore. We don't get to see each other but maybe a couple times a week. It's not like I'm stuck to his hip 24/7. He used to at least act happy to see me or to get a phone call from me. Now he just seems to have a "if you're here, great. if you're not, same difference" kind of attitude towards me. He claims to feel things for me that he's never felt for any other girl he's been with, and that it scares him to get close to me. If that's the case, then I don't understand why he was so close to me in the beginning. I've never cheated on him. I've never lied to him. I've never given him any reason to feel like he can't trust me, and I can honestly say that. He was in jail for about a year, and they say that doing time makes you emotionally hard. I believe that because sometimes he's as cold and hard as steel. He says that he feels all this stuff for me, but he doesn't show it--at all. He says that since he's been in jail, which he's only been out of since april, it's hard for him to display any emotion besides anger [at least on the outside, anyway]. While that's all understandable, I don't understand why, if that is in fact the case, he was so affectionate and loving towards me in the beginning. Actually, in the first 2.5-3 months. This mess started about a month ago. We've tried taking breaks, but they don't last. We can't stay away from each other that long. He always calls me first, or we run into each other somewhere in town or whatever and end up talking and hanging out. He's not using me for sex because, quite frankly, I'm inexperienced and still new at it. It's not like it's so mindblowingly great that he can't get enough of it. I try really hard to be good to him. I never get in pissy moods or get upset and pout about things around him. I don't fuss at him hardly at all. I do stuff for him and help him when he needs it. He's stressed out about his job and trying to find a place to live in the next few months. I try to keep his stress levels down as much as possible. It seems like no matter what I do, it's just not enough. I wish that he would just let me go and tell me if he's ready for it to be over. I've taken a lot, and I feel like he's trying to push me until I break. I'm coming close to it. I feel like he might be testing me sometimes because he's got trust issues, and he's wondering how long I'll really be around or how much I can take. I feel too naive believing that, though. I just don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay - stop right there.

With some men, the closer they get, they more fearful they become. They fear being hurt. So then they hedge and back off.

My question to you is: why do you want a man who is an emotional coward?

When a mature man finds "she for whom he has been looking" - he has no doubts and no fears. He steps up and delivers the goods. If he cannot do this - what good is he?

It is your call but I'd be gone. I have no time to waste on timid men.

[kisstherain379]

I honestly don't know why I'm stick around somtimes. I care about him a lot, and I do love him. I just don't feel right with just dropping things, and I can't do something I don't feel right about. I don't want that "what-if" feeling on my conscience at all. I can't do this very much longer, though. I'm not going to stay where I don't feel as though I'm wanted waiting around for him to start treating me right or decide that I'm worth treating right. Words are one thing, actions are another. I'm tired of feeling hurt, tired of feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough, and tired of feeling like there's something wrong with me in this relationship. I wish I had the strength to walk away, but I don't think I do. I know how I'll feel after it's over, and I can't handle that right now.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by kisstherain379

I honestly don't know why I'm stick around somtimes. I care about him a lot, and I do love him. I just don't feel right with just dropping things, and I can't do something I don't feel right about. I don't want that "what-if" feeling on my conscience at all. I can't do this very much longer, though. I'm not going to stay where I don't feel as though I'm wanted waiting around for him to start treating me right or decide that I'm worth treating right. Words are one thing, actions are another. I'm tired of feeling hurt, tired of feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough, and tired of feeling like there's something wrong with me in this relationship. I wish I had the strength to walk away, but I don't think I do. I know how I'll feel after it's over, and I can't handle that right now.

Think do you wish to continue a life with a man who is emotionally vacant? Many times, women put the full blame on themselves as being the cause yet he just can not be there 100% & never will. Splits get worse with time--do what you choose but make a choice before the holidays...

[browneyedgirl]

I'd say leave the relationship immediately. You say that sometimes you don't know why you are even in this relationship, he's not affectionate towards you, he doesn't appreciate your affection, and he seems to have a if you're there great, if not whatever attitude. Wow, what a catch. Oh yeah, he was also in jail for a year. I'm not saying that makes him a bad guy, but it is something to think about. You've taken breaks already. The bottom line is: 4 months is a very short time to have been in a relationship, and you are already having big problems. These should be a major red flag. At 4 months you shouldn't even have begun the honey-moon stage. Things should be wonderful and fun and stress free between you. You should be getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see each other. If you were having these issues after a couple years together, then I'd say stick it out, it may just be a rough patch. But this is way too early on to be having these problems, and if you stay in the relationship they will only continue to get worse and eat away at your self esteem, because it doesn't have to do with you, it has to do with him. He may have had a very difficult childhood, a horrible time in jail for a crime that he didn't commit, whatever. Those may be valid concerns, but don't stay with him because you feel sorry for him or because you want to be the one to turn around his life. That is not your job. You can be his friend, but relationships need an equal give and take to be healthy, and right now you aren't getting that.