Strike while the iron's hot? Not sure what to do...

[Falcos]

Here's the lowdown:

A girl I met in one of my college's organizations has been on my mind lately. She's really a gorgeous woman (beautiful face, bit overweight like me but she wears it well, y'know?), and I think it's safe to say we enjoy spending time together - one time, after seeing a movie together (friends, not a date), I walked her to her car in the parking lot and we started chatting.

For three and a half hours.

I was surprised, too - even I'm not that chatty regularly.

Last week, her boyfriend (who from what I've heard is dealing with some personal stuff) decided he couldn't handle a relationship and his own stuff at the same time, so he broke it off with her. She was upset at first naturally, but she's starting to move on. Through our earlier conversations, I know she's much less uptight about sex and, for lack of a better phrase, 'strictly following protocol' than most people around here, and obviously she's not looking for something serious, which I'm not either.

Here's the catch (and there's several, actually):

1. I have, like, NO experience with women or relationships. I can initiate contact, and I can be friends with them easily, but going beyond just talking is something I've never really done, not to any kind of success. This almost means no sexual experience, and while I hold no special attachment to my virginity, it's a potential pothole both practically and emotionally speaking (the latter for her - I dunno how big a deal taking someone else's virginity in a non-serious relationship will be for her).

2. We've known each other for other a month, we've hung out twice already, and I think we've got a potential friendship in the works. So there's that nagging worry about that getting scrapped in the process of my advances. Personally, I'm cool with being friends and having sex with the same person, as I don't equate friendship, love, and sex as mutually exclusive or interchangable to each other - I feel how I feel, y'know, and to hell with preconceived notions. I just don't know her angle on the matter, and if I ask her, the jig's pretty much up anyway, so that's a sticky wicket.

3. Due either to what she's expecting and/or my own inexperience, I'm getting mixed signals off of her. We always lose track of time when we talk, so I'm willing to bite that she's interested in me too, and she's called and asked me to hang out with her and go to the gym with her, so she's initiated. But how much of that is just enjoying my company and how much is wanting more of that I can't tell.


I've screwed up on this judgement call twice before, once ruining a very good friendship almost instantly (this was recent too, like within the past two months). Granted, the girl in that case was more immature by far, but that only accounts for so much. And even if I don't want something serious right now, I do like her and I'm still meeting with her at the organization meetings, and I don't want to make things awkward.

So there it is. I like her, I'm trying to become a more assertive person, and I know neither of us wants anything serious. AND she's cool with sex. This is a borderline godsend for me, but I've got to swim in uncharted waters if I want to go for it and, well, here there be monsters.

So, what's the general consensus on her? Not interested, just friends, potential playmate, or am I just totally clueless? Should I take my time, even though it's not serious, or should I strike while the iron's hot? Let it evolve naturally or make a move?

[oedipussy]

Kiss her and find out. Stop being afraid to grab the bull by the horns and just get on with it. Life's too short to be wishy-washy...

[Falcos]

Uh...no offense, Oedi, but I don't share that view of life. I do agree with not being wishy-washy, but I'm not nearly that impulsive either. Did you not read the part about 'I don't want to make a poor judgement call' bit? 'cause your suggestion sounds exactly like that.

[sera300]

She will kick you to the curb...get some definitive action---aka get some balls, three hours of talking after a movie and you did not even touch her arm? Or think about kissing her? Be confident don't look like a pansy or your done w/her due to your insecurity.

[Falcos]

She still had a boyfriend when we did that talking thing, y'know. And if being insecure means not making a move on a girl that's taken, so be it.

Can I possibly get some advice that doesn't reek of stereotypical macho bull? Even if what these guys are saying is good advice, the way they're saying it makes me feel they don't know jack about the subject.

[curious_woman]

Ask her to come over to your house one night for a movie and a nice dinner. If she says yes with no second thoughts you could safely make a move on her (the cliche arm around her, a kiss, etc). If she says no, or tries to make an excuse then gives in I think she wants to be friends. After that night if it goes well, you'll have an ice breaker and you can be straight forward about wanting something casual. Thats my personal idea.

[katiebug]

You'll probably get advice that ranges from all perspectives on this website because you are dealing with people who have many different ideas about relationships and sex. Some people are more conservative, some are extremely liberal. So take everything you get with a grain of salt and apply only what you feel fits with your own personal beliefs.

I think that you should continue to spend time with her, getting to know her. I think that everyone gives you good advice to make a move - BUT - she has just gotten out of a relationship. How long was she was with her previous ex-BF, and how serious was that relationship? She's probably not looking to jump into anything again right now, unless they were just casually dating and were not very serious. Either way, until you find out how she is dealing with that break up, I would not make any serious moves. At best she may have sex with you as a rebound, at worst she may turn you down and make things awkward.

I'd take the time to get to know her. If you can talk to her, great, just keep taking her invitations to hang out and throw out a few of your own. If you can talk to her easily, talk to her about her relationship and see how's she's doing. If she isn't all broken up over it, then I'd say it's time to make a move. What move you make depends on the results that you want. If you want to start a relationship with her, I'd ask her out on a real date and I'd tell her that you'd like to date her. Why not just talk to her about it if you can talk to her about everything else. If you just want sex or friends w/benefits, then I'd make a physical move and ditch the idea of a date. You don't have to rip her clothes off, just move in and kiss her. I think the worst thing you could do, from MY perspective at least, is to make a move that is way beyond your comfort zone. I have been with a guy who obviously was not mentally ready to make a real move and that is not a turn on at all, to have someone who is obviously terrified groping at you because they think that's what they were supposed to do - probably under the advice of other males who also don't know what they are doing.

Either way, once you either ask her out on a date or make a physical move, you should just talk to her and establish what you want out with her, whether that's dating or friends w/benefits. I think your communication with her is going to count more than anything else. Don't act like you are begging her for her attention - you sound confident and like you know what you want, you just have to talk to her about and see if she's on the same page. If she is not, don't act crushed or embarassed. All you've done is put out there what you want and all she's done is answer you honestly. There is no reason why you can't be friends still, even if it can't be more. Keep the attitude of take-it-or-leave-it. Either she will share your feelings or she won't, but that doesn't have to turn into an awkward situation unless you let it happen.

It might sound stupid but I have been both the aggressor and the reciever when it comes to budding relationships/sex. When I am the aggressor I think of it this way, it might sound dumb but give it a chance: Say you are going to the store and want to buy something. You walk up to the clerk and ask for what you want, and they tell you they don't have it. What do you do - probably keep asking for something else, or move on and keep going about your shopping. You wouldn't run away embarassed, or never go back to that store ever again, just because they didn't have what you want, would you? Why does it have to be like that when you ask someone out or try to initiate sex and get rejected? I don't think it has to be that way at all, unless you let it happen that way.

Just my opinions.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by Falcos

She still had a boyfriend when we did that talking thing, y'know. And if being insecure means not making a move on a girl that's taken, so be it.

Can I possibly get some advice that doesn't reek of stereotypical macho bull? Even if what these guys are saying is good advice, the way they're saying it makes me feel they don't know jack about the subject.

Macho Bull? Guys are saying? I am a woman.

Ball is in her court since she has a b/f. So find another lady or date both...

As far as not knowing "Jack about the subject" that's why you are here...form your own thoughts but make one.

Sorry, I do not have time to write much...just finished a thesis now working on developing my dissertation...

[Falcos]

Sorry, but your post had that kind of attitude, and it didn't strike me as helpful.

The whole reason I'm asking for help is that I'm uncertain what my next move should be. If I thought it was as simple as 'shut up and go for it', I wouldn't be asking for help. If that's the right advice, that's fine, but I'm not convinced.

I'll admit I was a bit rude with my response, and I'm sorry for that. But I need more convincing that just an answer.


Oh, and good luck with the thesis. Though I fail to see what that has to do with this...

[EvilEvilKitten]

Falcos, sera does know whereof she speaks.

Women like confidence because it makes you seem reliable should she ever need you to back her up. So being all timid and "un-macho" will not do it.

This is what you do. Wait until she touches you, during one of your chats perhaps. Then begin touching her in return. Slowly move in closer. Then stop. If she wants you, sexually, she will move towards you, lean toward you, or just up and kiss you somewhere she can easily reach - and ear lobe or the side of your neck, perhaps. Let her make that first move. Then wrap her in your arms and kiss her for at least 20 seconds "one thousand, two thousand..."

Since both of you are somewhat bruised, relax and be happy to take it slowly.