Jealousy - checked her email

[ecstaticepiphany]

I've been seeing a girl for about 6 months now - we are both out of college, in our 20's. There have been some ups and downs in the relationship, but we love each other very much and have been very compatible on many levels.

Even though I count myself as lucky to be in this relationship, there have been some less-than-ideal things in it. To begin with, we started seeing each other when she was still in a relationship (she broke it off a few weeks later). I'm not proud of that, though I feel that our feelings that led to her cheating on her boyfriend were not superficial.

Also, we broke up very briefly about a month ago (she was under a lot of stress from her family and we were having a hard time connecting), but got back together right away.

Now recently what happened was that, on a whim, I checked her email. I honestly didn't expect her to have cheated on me, but I was curious about her past. What I found out was that she had been cheating on her ex-boyfriend (yes, the same boyfriend she left for me) with some one else over the course of a few months. As far as I know, she broke it off after we started seeing each other (they exchanged a few bland emails after the fact). But I was a little disappointed that she didn't mention this when I asked her about her past before - though I understand why.

I admitted to her that I checked her email and she was understandably angry, but I didn't ask her to explain anything about the situation, though I wanted to.

I know that it's wrong to violate some one's privacy - and I wish that I hadn't. I also now that I shouldn't feel jealous. But I want to know if I should ever try to discuss her past with her, and if so, how I should do it.

[sera300]

Yes, looking at ones e-mails, uninvited, is wrong. So don't expect surprises.

Now, here is the deal. Neither of you are married to anyone. Both are free. Therefore, let it go. There is no purpose suited unless you plan to marry her in the near future and are putting the ring on her hand ASAP.

Next, two single individuals can do as they wish...put the past behind and get to know her as a woman and what she is about. You just may find you really do not like her or her values/goals/morals do not align with yours.

Jealous of what? That is BS for being insecure. Jealousy is a song by the Gin Blossoms...

[Brandye]

This is already a tainted relationship. Establishing a new one would likely take less effort than repairing this one. Just learn from it.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Until you are SERIOUSLY considering marriage her past is hers alone and none of your business. NEVER pry into what is not your business EVER again. I suggest apologizing and then abiding by her decision whether to continue this relationship or to move on. The decision is HERS to make at this point, not yours.

[ecstaticepiphany]

Thanks for your input. Point taken: I will mind my own business and actually focus on the present.

I don't think the relationship is hopelessly tainted, but that's just my perspective (and hers).

[machine_rat]

Hey, at least she's only 'cheating' when times are bad.

[EvilEvilKitten]

If you're NOT married, it is not cheating.

Yegods, man. You act as if you have ring through her nose already! Jeez!

People, plese remember that until you are married, you have no right to dictate anything to or demand anything from her/him.

You only have the "rights" she/he gives you and those can be removed at any time.

[sera300]

Cheating implies extra-marital affairs; breaking the marital bond--it can be either physical or emotional; can only be "adultery" when the party married does anyone else (single or non-single). A single woman who's fooling around w/a married man is not an adulteress [same in reverse]...that is only the act [adultery] for married people themselves; therefore cheating among singles is not real. It's lack of honesty/lack of values/etc based upon what that person thinks of you which is significant while single....does he/she lie?

[EvilEvilKitten]

If he said he would and then doesn't, that's one thing. But if the promise was never made, then he's free and clear. Promises by implication do not count. So just calling him your boyfriend, and/or him calling you his girlfriend, is not enough to make a binding "we're exclusive" contract.

[LoveGems]

I would have to go against you on that one EvilEvilKitten, I think that when you are boyfriend/girlfriend, although there are no rules written, things go without saying. So in my opinion, I would never do anything with anyone other than my boyfriend, unless my boyfriend has stated that I could do so.

Thats my personal view, i'm not saying yours is wrong, but I wouldn't forgive myself with that excuse, let alone my partner!